Alice's Submission Pt. 01

Good Story But ...

This is a good story but it could have been better if taken further. Your story is destroyed by bad grammar and shocking punctuation. The use of the asterisk *** can be used for missing letters but both the Chicago Manual of 1993 and Harts Rules vigorously discourage its use. If you have to suggest missing words then use the ellipses like this d ... k. But please, writing like this only detracts from your story. Also writing ... she said,

" I am etc. ..."

is appalling grammar. You have a comma so simply continue your sentence as spoken. When another person answers then you need to drop down to another paragraph.

I have given your story 4 stars

Anon:...are we reading the same story or did you comment on the wrong one?

Interesting concept

An interesting initial post however either you need to proof your work better or find someone to proof for you. Numerous typos detract from your work.
A few examples:
Leaving the warm leather seat he had been 'residing' in (do you mean 'sitting in' or 'resting on'?)
Vampires could last years without 'and' nourishment (don't you mean 'any'?)
She twisted her head to' burry' her head ('bury'?)
The tightness around his 'figures' made him ('fingers'?)
'Alice' just chuckled and watched her squirm, (Don't you mean 'Adan'?)
There were more, but you get the idea.