All of the above comments are valid. You need someone to proof read. You use incorrect spelling, eg. Beat red. Instead of Beet red.
Also you changed tense as the story progressed.
Having said this, you do have the makings of a very good story. It needed more work.
English
what?
thats it i expected to be a little longer and more erotic!
Please
proof read before you post the next story.
Job
Don't quit your day job.
Why was this placed in "Mature"?
I noticed no mention of the ages of any of the characters.
could have done so much more
All of the above comments are valid. You need someone to proof read. You use incorrect spelling, eg. Beat red. Instead of Beet red.
Also you changed tense as the story progressed.
Having said this, you do have the makings of a very good story. It needed more work.
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