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English
I'm going to take a stab in the dark:
English is not your first language, right? The story was pretty bizarre and extremely short. Nothing really seemed to take place in a natural or plausible way. Everything just happened instantly with no rhyme or reason. Also, it seems like you are just placing commas randomly.
Everything Mello said.
And I'll add that writing in the 1st person, present tense, only added to how bad this story was. It's one of the most difficult styles in which to write and not fail badly. As you proved. Sorry, but 1 star for you.
Everything E_J and Mello said was completely true
This is just bloody awful; half the time I found myself re-punctuating it so it made sense, and after a while I gave up; that was your job, not mine, so a spectacular fail; if you want to share your thoughts in story form, at least make they're legible, not this confusing, incoherent gibberish. I know the schools in Britain are struggling to maintain standards these days, but based on this mess, I can't believe you ever went to one, and if you did, it was only for one day, and that was the day the teacher didn't show up. 1 star for this confused waste of time.
Ditto!
I reiterate the previous statements. It's incoherent. I know this is fantasy but there should be a touch of reality. It takes balls to put your work out on this website and have it critiqued, as you already know. Although, I particularly did not like the story, I gave you two stars for posting.
i liked it a little rushed and short but a nice read
thank you
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