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English
HOT HOT HOT
All I can say is WOW very good buildup to this and the photo shoot my gosh all the sexyness came thru the story as i was reading it. Please give us a Chapter 2 and more. You have the setup for a 3 way and more with those sexy sensual women all around him. Keep up the great writing !!!! 5 stars.
Fantastic!
Excellent start! I'm hooked. Can't wait for another dose!
Once more into the editing
I read this story first, then the story about the 1BR apartment. Your stories are delightful, but they still need closer attention to detail. Here is one paragraph from the first page:
I hit the shower, shaved [add a comma] and dressed in my jeans and a button down shirt. The room phone rang just as I finished, and I answered it. Paula said that my party had arrived to pick me up. The sound in her voice led [add me] to believe that [add I was] in for something special. I headed down the stairs, my jacket over my shoulder. She [who? Paula? Paige] turned towards the stairs with a killer smile. I stopped dead in my tracks as the reality hit me. Paige stood there in knee high black suede boots as my eyes scanned upwards to the lovely pale skin of her legs, quickly hidden by the denim skirt with it's [no apostrophe: its] little white cotton ruffle [could be ruffled] edge. She was wearing [verb forms should be parallel--She wore] a pink blouse and had a black suede jacket on. It seemed to take forever to take in what I saw, and in that time the smile on her face broadened. Her eyes sparkled. "Hi Pete," [Would be better as "Hi, Pete,"] was all she said.
I wish we could work together on your stories.
Couple of things...
You definitely need an editor not only to correct your grammar and remove the spelling mistakes but also to aid the flow of the story and character development.
This is a flawed first chapter but it has great potential and I shall keep reading your stories.
Small Troubles
It's a lovely story. It makes me want to go on. That's what a continued story should do. Those who criticize are trying to show off - they paid more attention to what's wrong than to all the things that are right. There are mistakes here and there, but in this story, who cares? By the way, some of the suggested "corrections" are mistaken. GT
don'tlisten to the ultracrepadarians
M3, you've got your own voice and your own writing style. Ignore the dullard conformists worshiping at the tombstone altar of the dead language of academic english.
As to how sexy a woman is getting dressed...Umpteen years ago, when I was a kid working on the Seattle docks...On payday, a bunch of us hit the bars.
At one strip joint, the girl appeared stark naked. As some jazzy tune played, she danced around while getting dressed. We about tore the place apart yelling our appreciation.
To the critics and argumentative grammarians
I appreciate your fine attention to detail. I noticed a mistake within the very first paragraph. I apologize profusely. I would like to point out that I don't mind constructive criticism, but I hasten to add that I do my best without saddling another with the burden of my editing. That being said I occasionally miss a comma, but my focus is on the story, the plot, the continuity and the characters. I'm sorry that you've missed the forest for the trees.
some constructive criticism (hopefully)
I'm a big fan of your other work on this site, but I did have a few thoughts about this opening chapter. I feel that I could have used a bit more details on the characters. There is nothing about ages, or any physical description until deep into the chapter. A little detail on what the characters look like early would be helpful to the reader.
Great Story So Far
This is written very well with total immersion almost from the start. The characters are good people that it is a pleasure to be around. This is the first thing I have read of yours, and I am looking forward to catching up on all your submissions.
Unless you have already edited it, I don't know what people are complaining about. There was nothing blatant enough to throw me out of the story as can often happen with some of the other authors I really like.
Fun start
but I feel like I'm in the dark. For me to become engaged with the characters in a story I need to know at least a little about them. I hope Ch. 02 fills in a few of the gaps. About all we know is a rough geographic area and that they keep telling each other that they are attractive.
A very positive indication of the quality of a story is positive comments from other authors. And this one has them in spades.
thanks
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