The Pool

too fast to the sex.no plot or tension

try again

I'm a volunteer editor and literotica offers the service for persons like yourself. I'd like to see you use that to clean up some of the styling. Yeah its a bit down n dirty with no character building which doesn't afford any believability or draw the reader in but the idea with a little work could be a nice piece. I would mostly suggest you start by reading your story out loud. Look for where your brain and mouth get crossed up or places where it puts words that don't exist. I will go along way toward smoothing the story out. Good luck

Typical

It's typical in that it's a first time and contains a lot of first time errors. I'm a volunteer editor as well and would recommend using one of us or a friend to clear up some of your mistakes. Be patient and let a story 'steep' before going back, rereading it and then posting it. You'll usually find some of the mistakes yourself.

Needs work

i AGREE you need to work on the flow. Thanks for posting

Loved it

Despite what others say here, I loved it. Thanks for the "manly hair" on Bobby's chest. His sister seems thrilled to kiss that chest and run her fingers through the matting of hair. More please!

Nice effort

Amazing how everyone that criticizes seems to be anonymous! Do they have stories that they are embarrassed for you to read? Have they even submitted any? If they had some constructive suggestions, wouldn't you like to hear them? They ought to be ashamed!

Stop It

I didn't mind the cliche plot, but for God's sake stop using Sis a day Bro! No one calls each other that. Only Hispanic street guys in bad TV shows call anyone bro. I have never called my sister sis. She has a name. I know you aren't the originator of this bad idea, but stop propagating the concept. Please everyone just stop doing it.

Thanks

Thanks to everyone who have commented ( positively and not so positively) All comments are appreciated and I hope after this - my very first attempt at writing- I can improve

just to...

add another perspective my sibling and i did in fact call each other bro and sis - when we were much younger of course

SHORT BUT SWEET

CONGRATULATIONS. You are an exceptionally gifted narrator for your opening try.
You might try pacing the sex to a slower build-up. Tension builds interest. Don't be discouraged by the anonymous critics. THANKS FOR SHARING.

listen to the complaints only

you know you fucked up royal when the editors complain. I wish the so called webmasters would demand that all stories go through editors BEFORE posting then this site would thrive instead of failing.