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Too easy.
Hypnosis can't make you do so etching against your moral code. For example you can't command them to rob a bank if they are morally opposed. Second, you can't hypnotize a person against their will. Who the fuck fights crime in high heels? You're going to break an ankle, then what? Lastly, they victims don't seem to be from a private detective agency after all, who was paying them and why not go to the cops? Private detectives aren't exactly known for making a shit ton of money...so why do it?
What Whackdoodle Said
I agree with most of what Whackdoodle said. Maybe you should make it a little clearer that these women are supposed to actually be Charlies Angels. Also the buildup was too quick and the payoff was very weak. It kind of seems more of a synopsis of a story rather than the story itself.
My suggestions would be 1) to list this (or at least tag this) as FanFic, 2) Possibly have the world (Charlie etc.) think they died in some way that won't have people looking for them. 3) And wright each of these characters up in their own chapter detailing their breakdown and be descriptive. It is more believable if their breakdowns take place over days, weeks or even months. 4) And most importantly include some descriptive sex scenes.
Just some thoughts
just a tip, overall a good read.
all of the victims broke too quickly and easily, I would add more detail and prolonged events for each victim's segment. it was a lot of build up for such quick submission. however that being said, great and unique format! good flow to the story, and very cute idea.
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