All Comments on 'Blood Lust'

I love eve's sexuality.

Don't use words you don't understand.

Don't use a thesaurus to make your work less repetitive.

When you right click one of your repeated uses of "length" as a synonym for "penis", and change it to "distance", distance is not slang anywhere for "penis", nor "erection", it's a synonym for a different definition of length.

His mighty "stead" is a steed, and that is a cliche.

Sheer material you can see through. Shear material is a metal that snaps tranverse to it's length.

He "pressed" the bait into service, not "impressed". He could "impress upon them the need for bait"-AKA, to implore. He could have pressed them into service, the phrase you are referencing-AKA, he forced them to serve.

I know you felt clever picking up the phrase "in his cups" from ASOIAF, but that phrase has a specific meaning. It is not "deep into his cups", "into his cups" implies a specific number of "cups" (Which is not what people drink liquor from anymore), which he is deep into progress through, whereas "in his cups" implies that the subject is so innebriated that their wits and capacity for good judgement has left, that they are drunk, "[they are] THE LIQUOR". He, his wits, are in his cups.

It's also super anachronistic, so beware. Your story is meant to be a period piece, but it uses the term pub for what would be a tavern, an inn, or any other number of names, but a pub, no, not if you're going to borrow Martin's vernacular.

Don't tell us about his armour and how big he is if you're literally going to take the hunt entirely off the table inside of a paragraph. It makes it obvious the story is just padding for a poor JO story. Nobody believes he won't fuck the vampire, but you can at least pretend by giving us more than one paragraph from his POV before you do it. Don't simply go "Well, I wouldn't normally fuck a vamp but I totally want to" which doesn't so much convey "This is a tough manly vampire hunter being lured by her feminine wiles" as "I can't write and I think this looks like character conflict rather than me openly doing what I as a writer obviously want to do and hanging a really poor lampshade on it."

"No mortal had ever filled her with such blood lust and sexual desire." this is silly. The story is less than a page long and includes one paragraph that has some thoughts from him, one with thoughts from her. We don't believe it, it just reads as you pumping up your characters as "so sexy" without having to do anything.

And psst? The "Rath is the only one manly enough to be made hers" is so fucking weak. It's such a cop out that lets you make your hero still tough. Here's how it should end-we never hear from Eve's thoughts, we never hear her talking up how hot he is. Rath falls prey to her seductions, she turns the table on him, they screw, she bites him, either a) killing him-this is the best option, it's a short story with no potential for a sequel b) turning him and making him everything he hates, and also hers.

And "swarthy cock" is such an ugly turn of phrase.

Finally, what are your tags, like "begin" and "began" occurs where it shouldn't, and are included as tags of their own.