I really like the structure and story direction; however, a couple of points that might be helpful. In my writing I constantly struggle with the problem of realistic dialogue. To help me with that problem I rely on Elmore Leonard's advice, "Once you write some dialogue, pause and read it out loud. If it don't sound real, start over." Sadly, much of your dialogue is stilted and more wordy that conversation is in the real world. Second point, as a reader I would appreciate a bit more background on your characters so that I could better understand their relationships - in some respects it felt like you were rushing to get to the next plot point. Of course, none of this means this isn't a good story. Keep working and writing, I'm tuned in for the next chapter.
Thanks for your comments. First, about the conversations: I understand where you're coming from, but if I tried to put "real" conversations, the chapters would be 25 pages long instead of 3-5 pages long. I also use economy of means to pack as much info into as little conversation as possible, so no, it's not realisitic-sounding.. but then again it's not realistic that anyone can go around beating up people with crowbars either. (However, Bowser is modeled upon a real and excellent dog.)
Second, to the character development: it is absolutely impossible to re-develop characters that have been developed in over 100 stories. We're at the point that one will have to read previous stories to really know what's going on with these characters and their by-now complex relationships. New characters do need development, of course.
Thanks again for the comments, as constructive comments are always welcome.
I liked this story. I very well may have to go back to some of your other stories to get caught up on who these people are; however I hope I won't have to read all of them. But this seems like a very good start to a new series.
Meanwhile, as a fledgling writer myself, I appreciated Anonymous' tip and Elmore Leonard quote about dialogue. Perhaps I should try reading my unedited stories aloud before submitting them for editing. I do want, even at age 71, to learn to write better.
English
Good story ...
I really like the structure and story direction; however, a couple of points that might be helpful. In my writing I constantly struggle with the problem of realistic dialogue. To help me with that problem I rely on Elmore Leonard's advice, "Once you write some dialogue, pause and read it out loud. If it don't sound real, start over." Sadly, much of your dialogue is stilted and more wordy that conversation is in the real world. Second point, as a reader I would appreciate a bit more background on your characters so that I could better understand their relationships - in some respects it felt like you were rushing to get to the next plot point. Of course, none of this means this isn't a good story. Keep working and writing, I'm tuned in for the next chapter.
Character development and conversations
Thanks for your comments. First, about the conversations: I understand where you're coming from, but if I tried to put "real" conversations, the chapters would be 25 pages long instead of 3-5 pages long. I also use economy of means to pack as much info into as little conversation as possible, so no, it's not realisitic-sounding.. but then again it's not realistic that anyone can go around beating up people with crowbars either. (However, Bowser is modeled upon a real and excellent dog.)
Second, to the character development: it is absolutely impossible to re-develop characters that have been developed in over 100 stories. We're at the point that one will have to read previous stories to really know what's going on with these characters and their by-now complex relationships. New characters do need development, of course.
Thanks again for the comments, as constructive comments are always welcome.
A Good Start
I liked this story. I very well may have to go back to some of your other stories to get caught up on who these people are; however I hope I won't have to read all of them. But this seems like a very good start to a new series.
Meanwhile, as a fledgling writer myself, I appreciated Anonymous' tip and Elmore Leonard quote about dialogue. Perhaps I should try reading my unedited stories aloud before submitting them for editing. I do want, even at age 71, to learn to write better.
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