All Comments on 'Sex Genie Enslaved'

either in therapy or with an editor.. one or the other...

Don't be discouraged by your score. People are prone to voting down material that they find offensive, rather than judging a story on its merits. This is a good start.

One thing I'd suggest is not every girl be so slavishly devoted to him. Games of cat and mouse are fun.

I liked it

needs work but good start for writings like this ( you have probably done others) as a expert at fanfiction ask experienced people to help

I'm an aspiring author and I've written 53,000 words on the first draft of my novel. I've also read around 200-300 stories on this site, so here's my $.02.

I like your story but I don't like Megan Fox. If you're going to write about celebrities, put this in that index where it belongs. That and that "model" whose name I didn't recognize. I assume she's real in some respect, though. My advice is to describe someone's appearance, like you do for yourself. Am I correct in assuming you as the author are also the main character here? Instead of using real people's name, try to be a little more vague with personal details and describe their attitude, their posture, their appearance. "A girl with curly blonde tresses hanging down past her shoulders, wide hips, and toned legs. He couldn't take his eyes off the full breasts that seemed to defy gravity, the nipples pert and as red as lipstick. Baby blue eyes gazed serenely at him from the floor where she knelt, ready to serve his every desire."

You get a complete picture of her without actually naming her. It also shows where she is in relation to him, and the "dumb blonde bimbo" stereotype is in full force. The readers are left to fill in the blanks. Obviously, the more vague you are with you description the sharper our picture is of her, because she can appeal directly to the reader. "The genie wore the mask of a young woman, perhaps mid-twenties at the most. She cocked her head thoughtfully while staring at him, the silk from her outfit rippling around her petite frame. <-- We know her age, outfit, stance, and body type. She could have any style of hair or eye color. Personally, when you said "pink smoke" I pictured Jeannie from the tv show I Dream of Jeannie.

Other than that, I'd recommend reading some how-to's on writing sex scenes. There's so much more to say than "she took him in her hot mouth." Instead, how about "she slowly slid her lips down his length, keeping her eyes on him the entire time. Her mouth was like a furnace, salivating over his cock like a starving dog over a slab of meat."

In the beginning you say your main character is a virgin, then say that the reason for that was just bad luck. But later in the story - after seeing how he treats women that come under his power - now we know why he's a virgin and it's because he's a despicable human being. Women aren't stupid, they can tell when a guy is someone who will mistreat them if they get close.

I quit reading when the jack ass started slapping and mistreating those lovely 'slaves'. I hope you wrote that he eventually learned his lesson, but I will not check for myself, bye!

The story's great. Keep going.

First of all, number dictated size of boobs not the alphabet. It tells me that you are a virgin male, who has never been with a women, also the writing couldn't really give that feel and you haven't left the room for interpretation.

But for a first story it was decent.