I CAN NOT understand why people write in 2nd person time after time when they know it's going to lower their score significantly. I absolutely could not get into this because you continually are trying to pull me into the story as your wife and I am a man. I CAN NOT RELATE.
I made it about a third of the way through and couldn't take it anymore. I gave you 1 star for writing a story where you kept calling "me" your wife.
He is telling her what happened...But she was there with him, why telling her what she had felt? And another thing: When he says: "You tickle my ass with the tip of your finger. You've never done that before..." She must have learnt it with someone else...Maybe instead of mad you should be more watchful...1*
by
Anonymous07/08/15
Another utterly stupid "YOU, YOU, YOU' story
"YOU went here, and YOU did this, and YOU come for sure and YOU YOU YOU....ad infinitum, ad nauseum. There is a name for this idiot style of writing
but I forget what it is. Any other commenters know what it is?
There is nothing worse than authors that ignore category descriptions. This could have gone in erotic couplings, romantic or even non-consent reluctance. 1* for wrong category!
That bonnie liked it had nothing to do with the rating.
But it does show her lack of taste.
Or is it an agenda?
by
Anonymous07/09/15
Thanks for trying, but it was too brusque and a bit mean.
Just cause she had an orgasm doesn't mean she likes being treated like his cum dumpster. They fuck, but do they love each other, even like each other? Can't be sure from what little you wrote on that point. So kind of empty and confusing.
Agree with many of the comments to date, i.e. use of second person; category; choppiness. The mid-story run-on dialog is a cluster-fuck of 'Who Said What?'
My contribution is that there is a difference between
1) "ABC." Say I. "CDF." You say. and
2) "ABC," Say I. "CDF," you say.
Too subtle?
3) I say "ABC." "CDF," you say.
First, each change of speaker SHOULD start a new line.
Second, look at the commas and the periods
(and, in #3 - a place where there is NO punctuation.)
English
I'm a man, not your wife!
I CAN NOT understand why people write in 2nd person time after time when they know it's going to lower their score significantly. I absolutely could not get into this because you continually are trying to pull me into the story as your wife and I am a man. I CAN NOT RELATE.
I made it about a third of the way through and couldn't take it anymore. I gave you 1 star for writing a story where you kept calling "me" your wife.
PLAYTIME SHOULD BE WE TIME
not a free for all. TK U MLJ LV NV
He is telling her what happened...
He is telling her what happened...But she was there with him, why telling her what she had felt? And another thing: When he says: "You tickle my ass with the tip of your finger. You've never done that before..." She must have learnt it with someone else...Maybe instead of mad you should be more watchful...1*
Another utterly stupid "YOU, YOU, YOU' story
"YOU went here, and YOU did this, and YOU come for sure and YOU YOU YOU....ad infinitum, ad nauseum. There is a name for this idiot style of writing
but I forget what it is. Any other commenters know what it is?
gave you a 5 for effort and content
fuck you dear annony
at least he is not sucking some guys dick.
Give you 4 for not being a gay cuck.
Why is this in LW?
LW = "Married extra-marital fun: swinging, sharing & more."
There is nothing worse than authors that ignore category descriptions. This could have gone in erotic couplings, romantic or even non-consent reluctance. 1* for wrong category!
There is no relationship here
just two people sharing space
Don't quite your day job.
Don't quite your day job.
No, fuck you dear bonnie
If you got nothing better to say, don't say it. Didn't care for the style of writing. Stilted with very short one liners. Ugh.
why a 1* ?
Second person sucks shitty swamp water.
That bonnie liked it had nothing to do with the rating.
But it does show her lack of taste.
Or is it an agenda?
Thanks for trying, but it was too brusque and a bit mean.
Just cause she had an orgasm doesn't mean she likes being treated like his cum dumpster. They fuck, but do they love each other, even like each other? Can't be sure from what little you wrote on that point. So kind of empty and confusing.
Periods and Commas
Agree with many of the comments to date, i.e. use of second person; category; choppiness. The mid-story run-on dialog is a cluster-fuck of 'Who Said What?'
My contribution is that there is a difference between
1) "ABC." Say I. "CDF." You say. and
2) "ABC," Say I. "CDF," you say.
Too subtle?
3) I say "ABC." "CDF," you say.
First, each change of speaker SHOULD start a new line.
Second, look at the commas and the periods
(and, in #3 - a place where there is NO punctuation.)
No rating - wrong category.
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