The 'her' and 'me' made it very awkward to read. A rewrite could be in order. I think the story would flow better..
by
Anonymous07/09/15
Another suggestion
It seems to me that the story didn't have a conclusion, so if you do decide to do a rewrite, have them live happily ever after ( or something), just don't stop.
by
Anonymous07/09/15
4
Good story. Proper grammar and a real conclusion will make a great rewrite.
by
Anonymous07/09/15
Dialog
Loose the HER: and ME: Use quotes. it was a great story until the dialog and then you lost me. the reading got choppy and rough. like the rapids.
As with everything, it could be expanded into a series of stories showing their gradual progression of relationships: with themselves and with others individually. I look forward to the developement of difficulties and great times. Thank you.
by
Anonymous07/10/15
Great!
And then she pushed a Mack truck into her hymen to bust it. Then fifteen elves ate her out.
by
Anonymous07/10/15
Good intentions
Your story has good intentions, and could be improved with names and dialogue. I would also give a few more details -- she mentioned that she had to use the dildo every time she saw him shirtless in the house. Have her strip his shirt here, and then tell us what she sees on that chest. If he's 21, is there a dusting of chest hair there? Is he muscular and developed? Sexy stubble? Does he have a treasure trail and lush pubes? He can be made to be very sexy and attractive to her.
Waiting for another chapter!
by
Anonymous07/10/15
Total Piss
Sorry cobber but you have no fucking idea what day of the week it is! Dont ever try writing another!
by
Anonymous07/11/15
Krapp
Pretty lame. I didn't even get a chubby. Thank God it was only one page.
by
Anonymous07/17/15
Good!
loved it!
by
Anonymous08/08/15
Terrible
Seriously, with the dialogue and crap actions. Get A Life
by
Anonymous09/25/15
Point of view.
With a pen name of SisterWife I think that you should write more from the woman's point of view. There are lots of stories told from the man point of view so yours would be different that way.
by
Anonymous09/25/15
Recommendation
I liked your story, and can say the bad comments you've received are trash not worth reading. However, the "Her" / "Me" usage was very disconcerting. Just go with the dialog like you did in the rest of the story, relating what's happening and who is doing what, but leave out the "Her" / "Me" phrasing.
by
Anonymous01/30/17
A shame maybe
It seems you let the naysayers get the best of you. You should have kept writing. There were some good comments trying to help you. Don't ever let the assholes of the world get the best of you. Granted your first efforts were a little jerky and didn't follow the norm in writing a story, but use the helpful comments to improve your storytelling abilities. Your story wasn't all that bad. It was a little difficult to read, but so what. Everyone has to start somewhere. When a horse throws you, if you want to ride you have to get back on and just do it. Good luck.
The old fart
English
Suggestion
The 'her' and 'me' made it very awkward to read. A rewrite could be in order. I think the story would flow better..
Another suggestion
It seems to me that the story didn't have a conclusion, so if you do decide to do a rewrite, have them live happily ever after ( or something), just don't stop.
4
Good story. Proper grammar and a real conclusion will make a great rewrite.
Dialog
Loose the HER: and ME: Use quotes. it was a great story until the dialog and then you lost me. the reading got choppy and rough. like the rapids.
Nice begining....
As with everything, it could be expanded into a series of stories showing their gradual progression of relationships: with themselves and with others individually. I look forward to the developement of difficulties and great times. Thank you.
Great!
And then she pushed a Mack truck into her hymen to bust it. Then fifteen elves ate her out.
Good intentions
Your story has good intentions, and could be improved with names and dialogue. I would also give a few more details -- she mentioned that she had to use the dildo every time she saw him shirtless in the house. Have her strip his shirt here, and then tell us what she sees on that chest. If he's 21, is there a dusting of chest hair there? Is he muscular and developed? Sexy stubble? Does he have a treasure trail and lush pubes? He can be made to be very sexy and attractive to her.
Waiting for another chapter!
Total Piss
Sorry cobber but you have no fucking idea what day of the week it is! Dont ever try writing another!
Krapp
Pretty lame. I didn't even get a chubby. Thank God it was only one page.
Good!
loved it!
Terrible
Seriously, with the dialogue and crap actions. Get A Life
Point of view.
With a pen name of SisterWife I think that you should write more from the woman's point of view. There are lots of stories told from the man point of view so yours would be different that way.
Recommendation
I liked your story, and can say the bad comments you've received are trash not worth reading. However, the "Her" / "Me" usage was very disconcerting. Just go with the dialog like you did in the rest of the story, relating what's happening and who is doing what, but leave out the "Her" / "Me" phrasing.
A shame maybe
It seems you let the naysayers get the best of you. You should have kept writing. There were some good comments trying to help you. Don't ever let the assholes of the world get the best of you. Granted your first efforts were a little jerky and didn't follow the norm in writing a story, but use the helpful comments to improve your storytelling abilities. Your story wasn't all that bad. It was a little difficult to read, but so what. Everyone has to start somewhere. When a horse throws you, if you want to ride you have to get back on and just do it. Good luck.
The old fart
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