All Comments on 'The Deviant of the Dark Ages Ch. 07'

Great ending ... the way it had gone until now I had no hope for anything remotely resembling a happy ending, so I was really happy at the heroines' triumph!

Also very clever of you to hint at a possible sequel ... of course no pressure or anything but if you get around to writing one then I for one would love to read it.

This would have read better if it was posted in just a few multi-page blocs; as it is, it stutters along, and just as the sense of impending climax and tension start to rise; boom! end of chapter. It was an irritating way to post a not very long story, compared to some of the more well-crafted epics here, and I came away feeling curiously unchanged or unmoved by the whole epistle anyway. Sorry, but it's just not that good, and breaking it up into manageable chunks for pinheads made it no better, no does you any credit. I'm not going to 1-star you, that would be harsh and unfair, but I can't award you any stars either, as I don't believe the entire story has any real merit. Better luck with your next one

Some interesting concepts to be developed and an interesting twist at the end.

I enjoyed that you used multiple adjectives to describe 'red' but then found it to be a bit over-done (red, sanquine, crimson, scarlet). Perhaps that was intended for the red-head fetishist? Likewise I had to look up the definition of 'sanguine' which I found irritating - then appreciated. My usual criticism for new writers is that they limit themselves to very basic vocabulary where there are more effective words. (A result of our current educational system?)

I also appreciated the descriptive details such as:

* one of the slaves dialect to indicate the age of said slave and the length of the villains activities.

* description benefits? of using newly tanned leather in the restraining belts.

But overall, it would benefit from editing.

* The introduction of new characters by using new names seemed awkward. It took me awhile to figure out that it was intentional rather than a continuity error. Not that I have any suggestions as to 'how'.

* The description of the water torture was impossible for me to visualize.

* Continuity error? of the Iron Maiden description. I had to go back and re-read / read forward to figure out that the Iron Maiden's body and face plate were 2 separate pieces thus allowing the villain to manually stuff her mouth with - was it silk? I'm not sure stuffing mouths with 'silk' versus fabric, cloth or rag helped. I kept wondering how the stuffee / gag-ee could tell what kind of fabric the stuffer/ gag-ger was using. Then I wondered if a sadist wouldn't come up with something much more interesting than silk/cloth to use as a gag.

Feel free to consider or disregard my comments.

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

I agree it was probably unnecessary to break the story down into separate entries - next time I'll post a whole story at once (if it's of similar length); it just might take a bit longer. ;)

WaterTigress, my vocabularly does tend to run away with me sometimes. :P Though as you pointed out, for that particular example (red hair) I thought it more important to be creative since a large number of characters have red hair (by design) and it would have become repetitive otherwise.

The water torture scenario was pretty hard for me to visualise too - it's probably the part I rewrote the most, lol. But I wanted to keep it as a more extreme opening to the story than the subsequent narrative in Lumina.

The Iron Maiden was another thing I changed a few times, so it's possible I wasn't thorough in the last reworking. Maybe I should actually sketch these things to get an idea of how they'd work. ;)

And though the characters describe Griscard as a sadist, he sort of isn't. He's a heartless person - he feels no remorse for those he's killed or enslaved - but he doesn't really derive pleasure from pain itself, he derives pleasure from putting people out of their comfort zone. Which, more often than pain, means teasing or humiliating them in some way. I also based a lot of my vampire lore off the Buffy universe, including the idea that vampires have actually lost their conscience/soul entirely and thus can't really be held accountable for their actions (at least not to the same extent as a human).

...Which makes the prospect of a sequel rather inviting, seeing what the surviving vampires have gotten up to when left unchecked.

I'm working on other projects at the moment, but the supernatural always draws my interest, and I feel like the Dark Ages/Middle Ages is a ripe landscape for such stories. So who knows what the future holds for Annabeth...

Please finish the story

I loved your story, and I must say it has enchanted me from the start.

A little note is that you have the gift to make your male /villain?/ characters seem very likeable.

If you ever decide to continue with this story, please, consider meeting heroes and villains again in the modern era. :)

What you have here is far too complex a story to tell in the limited medium this site allows; it seems condensed and rushed because there just isn't enough time allotted to allow the story and the characters to organically grow and develop; I like the whole concept very much indeed, I believe you have here the bare bones of what could be a fine and classic erotic horror novel, it's just the essential meat that is missing, the wealth and complexity of detail that lifts a story from the mundane to the level of an unforgettable experience.

I would humbly suggest you seriously consider taking this whole series down and using each chapter you've published here as a framework for a fuller, more developed, more detailed exposition, with a better, slower pace to allow for story threads to weave together that much more seamlessly; I believe the old saw is particularly apposite in this instance; 'the devil is in the detail', and with the detail revealed, I believe this story could easily outstrip the 'Twilight' garbage and set a new benchmark in the erotic horror genre.

Wow, that's high praise and valuable feedback. Thanks. :)

I would love more character development, I want to learn more about the major characters.