All Comments on 'A Stumbling Marriage Pt. 01'

It would have manifested itself a to earlier than now.

1*

NO COMMENT; NO CRITICISM; NO INSULT. JUST PURE O N E S T A R !

YOU EARNED IT, BE PROUD !

LOOKING FOR YOUR NEXT DRIBBLE

And Jordan is not much despite saving Shona - who is just dumb. God help us - is there any redeemable ppl in this story???

You have a good start. Please keep going.

Ignore the bystanders. They lack understanding of writing, creating, growing. Few can write. Even fewer how to help, teach, or critique. I rarely see anyone offering more than negative subjective opinion.

Attention seeking bystanders of free art are out of place heckling a creator. Our passive aggressive society has formed a new type of audience that covets the stage over the performer. Not good enough or afraid of the spotlight, instead cowering with resentment in the shadows distracting with their ignorant narcissism. Hence the heckling.

I enjoyed your first chapter. You did a nice job setting up the story. Looking forward to the next parts.

Interesting start. I hope your story avoid the nowdays willing cuck plots in LW.

shit. short and not telling anything.

I am curiouse which author will use the new invent the sperm detector kits in a story.

but most spouses would slap or punch anyone if they were bragging about sleeping with their spouse even if they were not in the honey moon stage and i too hope this is not one of those stories that seem to dominate this site to me there must have been a sale on computers for sick fucks.

Nothing to recommend it.

Decent 1st chapter with plenty of room to develop the mind games of Jordan and how it will effect the couple. One criticism would be you need to introduce other charters better, for instance "Paul, Robert and Jamal" just appeared, I was wondering who are these guys? That said looking forward to reading the next part!

Best of luck

and boring.

1. So Jordan has time to tell Andrew about seeing his wife and her messed dress, but Andrew doesn't immediately insist that Jordan explain what he is talking about? Being called into the boss's office just coincidentally happens at the exact moment Jordan finishes hinting about Shona, before Andrew can ask Jordan to explain? And when Andrew leaves his boss's office Jordan just coincidentally is unavailable for Andrew to question, for the entire day?

2. So Andrew doesn't call Shona from work, tell her Jordan is insinuating improper behavior with her, and ask her what is going on? But yet he is so convinced that something is going on that he opens his eventual conversation with Shona by calling her a slut? Oh, and if you read the exact words, it appears it would have been OK with Andrew if Shona had fucked someone, "anyone else", just not Jordan. WTF?

3. Shona, supposedly an adult, gets so drunk she can't even remember how her dress got soiled, or who was involved? And this when her husband is out of town?

4. So Shona thinks Andrew is a fool because a coworker is insinuating that he fucked his wife? And rather than become angry and incensed with Jordan, and also now understand why her husband is so distraught, Shona scorns Andrew's concern, forgetting that while Shona knows nothing happened, Andrew has plausible evidence that Shona had some interaction with Jordan, but did not tell her husband about it.

5. Shone invites Andrew to call Katie for clarification and corroboration, but apparently neither Andrew nor Shona made that phone call?

As I write these examples the characters' actions just become stupider and stupider.

6. So Jordan claims he will reimburse Shona for the damage to her dress, rides home with her in a cab, but he does not giver her his name and phone number, and neither she nor Katie ask for it? And now Shona can't even remember it happened?

And Andrew is not supposed to wonder if Shona is hiding something?

Because it is fiction does not mean it can be stupid. Might as well be a Monty Python skit.

@ Anon You wrote a very good critic.

You will need to look over your work more critically and maybe use the volunteer editor program. I think I few times you mixed up Amy and Shona's names. Early on you write Amy is not married then at the bar the two guys talk about her being married.

The writing just doesn't flow and it makes it hard to plough through.

Maybe an editor could help? This feels like a long winded paragraph. There simply wasn't enough here to justify calling this even a first chapter. More like an introduction IF you had done a better job with the writing. As it sits it was neither clever or interesting. Try again.

If you can't see yourself doing what the people in your story are doing, then throw it out. There isn't a single person in your story that is likeable, or even remotely realistic.

2* for now....Let's wait for the ending...Jordan was so gentleman, saving the two women from a bad night, and then he became a SOB suggesting he had fucked her to her husband? Doesn't seem plausible...2* for now

The engaged slut needs to be finished

Since you haven't even gotten to Part 2 of the story that you started a month or so ago. I don't want to be left hanging.

If you say you have concluded it with a future chapter, perhaps I'll try it.

are forever going to accrue doubts. TK U MLJ LV NV

Who cares what they do.

She didn't care what you did as long as she was rid of your dumbass and took you to the cleaners!!

a hole 1/2 page,,,,,,yehhh

one half star

Shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to hear your bullshit. It's getting old. Same shit different day. Give it a rest bitch. Go blow somebody if you have nothing to do.

i gave it 4 and hope for more

....marriages of this type most often fail within a year of an event like this. Foolish married women, tempt fate by going out like they did when single and sooner or later overdo it and end up fucking a "hook up". Decidedly uncommitted behavior.

So take your salt and stop whining when it comes. When you had the choice to make,Chou took the wrong option, became a slut and lost what you will miss and lament for the rest of your miserable life.

Marriage is tough enough without fucking it up with stupid behavior. Sadly this story seems to suggest that we can do so, without consequence. WRONG!!

All acts bear consequences. All choices lead to acts, overt, covert, or inert. But each type bears a consequence.....perhaps not immediate, but inevitable.

Why don't some of you "I want the fun, but not the bills", types write about that part? Is it that it kills the illicit buzz that goes with wanton, selfish behavior? Oh, well!

Oh, and please, don't take this a preaching or moralizing. It is pure pragmatism. I lived a situation like this. Only my wife was not as "fortunate". She ended up knocked up and a gang-bang whore. She lost her children, her life and her self respect. Yup, her choice, and those that followed that same direction, killed her not long after I found out and put her out. If you find my choice in the face of that disloyal to her, then fuck you!

She chose out, she chose danger and excitement over her family, her children her husband. I chose to protect our children.

5 years on, I am happily remarried with three more children and this gal....well, I don't know what it is, but she makes me hard every time she walks in the room.

watch you names. You've got everybody confused.

or each other.

but we are supposed to like the story?

What there is of it?

Perhaps if Andrew decided to stay at home with his wife instead of leaving the country to go play games with the boys he wouldn't have to worry so much. Jordan is single and goes out to the clubs to play, Andrew is married and leaves his wife alone to be seduced by predators. Andrew is in for a lot of misery if he can't be a husband at home with his wife instead of going out with the boys for fun and games.

Did she?

The wife correctly deduced that Jordan was screwing with her husband's head and intentionally trying to wind him up. But why isn't the wife upset that Jordan is calling or implying she is a slut?

Prejudice motherfucker...why would it matter if you go out with someone who is not white.

Ignorant and biggotry from a small man.