"pinning my thighs between he and I." is a bad error. Between requires an object pronoun, so it's "between him and me." The story was full of metaphors, but where was the plot?
This is a literary essay...a bad one but an essay nevertheless...The crows Caw, but also shit...They could have shit on the cheating lovers...2* for the expensive words used...
I liked the idea of incorporating the visual, as well as the audio aspect of the crows and their 'caw'; I even flashed in my mind Vincient van Gogh's last painting before he shot himself; it had crows in it, too.
Where you lost me was the reaction of hubby. I thought that a cum sucking scene was on its way, (flicking a finger load of semen onto the floor and then having intercourse before meandering off to bed just did not seem genuine); I felt like cutting off my own ear and sending it to the slut, because I could not accept his reaction.
Where are the old school, LW tales of emotional anger and retribution that would be at least be expected? Not that violence is an acceptable behavior pattern, but it does spice up the plot with reality, (not to say your plot could not be real). I gave it 5 stars because you pulled deeper from your soul than the straw bosses who slurp fermented semen from the puddle that squeaks in their wife's sneaker as she sneaks around.
Caw, caw, I hope we have not seen the birth of a new breed: "cum suckers" and "finger flickers." ...caw, caw
by
Anonymous07/20/15
Burned out
The cheating wife asks. What kind of life is this?
A woman wrote a book about the lack of romantic life feeling between the women and men after the young ages. She wrote an emotional burned out generation becomes 30 years old. But I think the problem is not too big at a lot of people the responsible to the kids at the men and the oxytocin after the birth at the women will fix a part of the burned out generation to find way to emotional life.
But I agree the cheating wife "What kind of life is this?"
The total nihil from the husband shows the burned out feeling well.
However the dear author why wrote the 10% of the story.....burned out burne out generation you author how you follow the life of this pair.
BTW A Marriage Strife hub could obledge the authors to write 100% long stories!
I found this story to be an intriguing mix of strong imagery and frustrating lack of explanation. I wasn't sure how to take it in.
However, it was an interesting first submission and I look forward to further stories.
There is an unfortunate lack of detail in your biographical notes. More information would let your reader know where you are coming from with your stories.
Considering this is your first time, I decided to give you a three, even though I had a lot of reservations about the story. I won't repeat them here since most of them are covered by other comments. You are to be commended for trying something new and I think your writing craft is fairly good for a newcomer. I hope you won't allow the negative comments to stop you from writing--instead let them make you determined to improve.
I often wonder why writers refuse to identify their sex on their Bio, since knowing who is writing helps the reader to understand where the author is coming from. GOOD LUCK AND KEEP WRITING
Good writing. It was short but good. I prefer to hear the fallout after the confession. I liked how you described your emotions and thoughts in your head. Five stars. Keep on writing
by
Anonymous07/21/15
Oh, boy! Big concepts from the one called Twentyseven
Heck! He must have a lot of poems, stories and essays on Literotica, yeah?
Let's go check out his profile, huh?
Gee. What a shock. He's been here since 2014 and not one line of work. Zip. Nada. Nothing.
He is a regular Mr Cypher, a hero in only his own mind.
Summerlilly, yours was a really great story.
Don't let the trolls put you off.
by
Anonymous07/24/15
Infidelity as prose.....hmm...
...I wonder what weather and sounds will accompany her realization that she's pregnant and her husband has taken a lover?
Will the cows low, the asses bray, the geese honk? What will she loathe when she realizes she's lost and stuck and has no way out of her dilemma?
English
PHYSICALLY HE REMAINS
meta-physically like the Cawing Crows, TK U MLJ LV NV
You write some flowery stuff, but
"pinning my thighs between he and I." is a bad error. Between requires an object pronoun, so it's "between him and me." The story was full of metaphors, but where was the plot?
This is a literary essay...but a bad one...
This is a literary essay...a bad one but an essay nevertheless...The crows Caw, but also shit...They could have shit on the cheating lovers...2* for the expensive words used...
Despite the flowery language, I gave you 5 stars.
You captured the guilt and shame of adultery and that us no easy job.
Well done.
next the crows feast upon her bones, taking the flesh, in the green fields
the man who defiled her and her marriage, drawn and quartered, scattered to the four winds
Murder of the crows
I liked the idea of incorporating the visual, as well as the audio aspect of the crows and their 'caw'; I even flashed in my mind Vincient van Gogh's last painting before he shot himself; it had crows in it, too.
Where you lost me was the reaction of hubby. I thought that a cum sucking scene was on its way, (flicking a finger load of semen onto the floor and then having intercourse before meandering off to bed just did not seem genuine); I felt like cutting off my own ear and sending it to the slut, because I could not accept his reaction.
Where are the old school, LW tales of emotional anger and retribution that would be at least be expected? Not that violence is an acceptable behavior pattern, but it does spice up the plot with reality, (not to say your plot could not be real). I gave it 5 stars because you pulled deeper from your soul than the straw bosses who slurp fermented semen from the puddle that squeaks in their wife's sneaker as she sneaks around.
Caw, caw, I hope we have not seen the birth of a new breed: "cum suckers" and "finger flickers." ...caw, caw
Burned out
The cheating wife asks. What kind of life is this?
A woman wrote a book about the lack of romantic life feeling between the women and men after the young ages. She wrote an emotional burned out generation becomes 30 years old. But I think the problem is not too big at a lot of people the responsible to the kids at the men and the oxytocin after the birth at the women will fix a part of the burned out generation to find way to emotional life.
But I agree the cheating wife "What kind of life is this?"
The total nihil from the husband shows the burned out feeling well.
However the dear author why wrote the 10% of the story.....burned out burne out generation you author how you follow the life of this pair.
BTW A Marriage Strife hub could obledge the authors to write 100% long stories!
Unusual
I found this story to be an intriguing mix of strong imagery and frustrating lack of explanation. I wasn't sure how to take it in.
However, it was an interesting first submission and I look forward to further stories.
There is an unfortunate lack of detail in your biographical notes. More information would let your reader know where you are coming from with your stories.
L
Seriously
There are very few people who can write successfully in this style. They are called poets. Sadly, you are not one of them.
crows in the cornfield
Toys in the attic
3 STARS
Considering this is your first time, I decided to give you a three, even though I had a lot of reservations about the story. I won't repeat them here since most of them are covered by other comments. You are to be commended for trying something new and I think your writing craft is fairly good for a newcomer. I hope you won't allow the negative comments to stop you from writing--instead let them make you determined to improve.
I often wonder why writers refuse to identify their sex on their Bio, since knowing who is writing helps the reader to understand where the author is coming from. GOOD LUCK AND KEEP WRITING
I liked your story
Good writing. It was short but good. I prefer to hear the fallout after the confession. I liked how you described your emotions and thoughts in your head. Five stars. Keep on writing
Oh, boy! Big concepts from the one called Twentyseven
Heck! He must have a lot of poems, stories and essays on Literotica, yeah?
Let's go check out his profile, huh?
Gee. What a shock. He's been here since 2014 and not one line of work. Zip. Nada. Nothing.
He is a regular Mr Cypher, a hero in only his own mind.
Summerlilly, yours was a really great story.
Don't let the trolls put you off.
Infidelity as prose.....hmm...
...I wonder what weather and sounds will accompany her realization that she's pregnant and her husband has taken a lover?
Will the cows low, the asses bray, the geese honk? What will she loathe when she realizes she's lost and stuck and has no way out of her dilemma?
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