Nice beginning of a story, but it's merely an introduction. Where's the rest?
It's like telling a story about going to a fantastic restaurant, but ending it when you're about to be seated. To be taken seriously, you'll need to submit a minimum of a couple pages (and three pages is better) at a time. And while this served it's function of introducing the premise of your story, there wasn't much "story". It was almost all set-up. Aside from the final 5 paragraphs (or rather 2 paragraphs and 3 single sentences), there wasn't anything remotely literotic about it. You'll need to work on that.
by
Anonymous08/06/15
Good ideas, and you badly need an editor.
It's a good start, conceptually. I could believe the scenario. But your grammar is, while not atrocious, also not wonderful, and it's enough to pop me out of enjoyment mode and get caught up in bad writing.
"Me and my sister had spent" is incredibly poor English. Instead, "My sister and I had spent" is the right way to write that. But this is not the only example; you really need to have an editor review and modify your story before you post here (if you want good reviews).
And the other comments are also accurate: this was way too short.
by
Anonymous08/06/15
Crap
Did you just wake up one morning a say "hmm... Maybe I'll right an erotic story today", only to get tired and post this little bit of dribble before your afternoon nap?
Think before you write; think before you post.
"My sister was blond too but I didn't know if you was a natural blond because she was completely shaven."
First, get an editor to notice dumb grammar errors; second, she is your sister and you don't know what her natural hair color is? Even though you grew up together? Moron...
by
Anonymous08/06/15
Engrish
Get an editor and quit trusting spill cheque. Just cause spill cheque says it's spelt write doesn't mean it's the write word for where you're using it.
Might have been something here but it was to damn hard to read.
by
Anonymous08/06/15
just fine.
Get a life folks if all you have to do is pick on an author for typos and punctuation. You really need to only read the masters! There was nothing wrong with the story line it is a good base and just needs developed. If these Pulitzer winners have issues then they need to not be anonymous and where are their masterpieces?
Mistress Carrie
by
Anonymous08/06/15
1
Take a writing class at your local community college. Before you submit another story.
I don't think a person should graduate from the 6th grade if they spell and punctuate like you do. Here in "America" we don't spell it programme !! "an shower"? you can't describe your college education with spelling and grammar like your's, it just doesn't work.
At the very least use the Editors here @ Lit.. I would never tell you to stop writing, but I highly recommend you make a huge effort to submit more worthy stories.
The only comment I can make is about the length. Not even half a page; too short even to really set up the next installment.
Regarding the story line, short as it is, this is far better than a lot of stories I have read (or TRIED to read) here. Folks, this is not Great Literature. It's AMATEUR porn, with emphasis on the AMATEUR. Yes, construction, punctuation and usage often get in the way of the story, but every author, regardless of skill level, puts him-or her-self out there to tell a story. Before complaining too loudly, just try writing one of these yourself and see just how hard it is. For every story that is published, my bet is that there are 100 that are never submitted. I have published just ONE but have written five others that I did not feel were good enough. But I have very high standards for my writing both from a story line and a construction standpoint. Every one of the authors who post here have given their best effort and we should not beat them over the head with their shortcomings. Like my Mother always told me: If you don't have anything good to say, DON'T SAY IT.
English
Awfully short. I hope future chapters will be longer.
Was that posted in error?
For that resembled a crumb of food that isn't worth talking about.
Nice beginning of a story, but it's merely an introduction. Where's the rest?
It's like telling a story about going to a fantastic restaurant, but ending it when you're about to be seated. To be taken seriously, you'll need to submit a minimum of a couple pages (and three pages is better) at a time. And while this served it's function of introducing the premise of your story, there wasn't much "story". It was almost all set-up. Aside from the final 5 paragraphs (or rather 2 paragraphs and 3 single sentences), there wasn't anything remotely literotic about it. You'll need to work on that.
Good ideas, and you badly need an editor.
It's a good start, conceptually. I could believe the scenario. But your grammar is, while not atrocious, also not wonderful, and it's enough to pop me out of enjoyment mode and get caught up in bad writing.
"Me and my sister had spent" is incredibly poor English. Instead, "My sister and I had spent" is the right way to write that. But this is not the only example; you really need to have an editor review and modify your story before you post here (if you want good reviews).
And the other comments are also accurate: this was way too short.
Crap
Did you just wake up one morning a say "hmm... Maybe I'll right an erotic story today", only to get tired and post this little bit of dribble before your afternoon nap?
Think before you write; think before you post.
"My sister was blond too but I didn't know if you was a natural blond because she was completely shaven."
First, get an editor to notice dumb grammar errors; second, she is your sister and you don't know what her natural hair color is? Even though you grew up together? Moron...
Engrish
Get an editor and quit trusting spill cheque. Just cause spill cheque says it's spelt write doesn't mean it's the write word for where you're using it.
Might have been something here but it was to damn hard to read.
just fine.
Get a life folks if all you have to do is pick on an author for typos and punctuation. You really need to only read the masters! There was nothing wrong with the story line it is a good base and just needs developed. If these Pulitzer winners have issues then they need to not be anonymous and where are their masterpieces?
Mistress Carrie
1
Take a writing class at your local community college. Before you submit another story.
Loved the story Great one Gave you a 5
for effort and content
Learn to write propper
I don't think a person should graduate from the 6th grade if they spell and punctuate like you do. Here in "America" we don't spell it programme !! "an shower"? you can't describe your college education with spelling and grammar like your's, it just doesn't work.
At the very least use the Editors here @ Lit.. I would never tell you to stop writing, but I highly recommend you make a huge effort to submit more worthy stories.
Surprisingly Short
The only comment I can make is about the length. Not even half a page; too short even to really set up the next installment.
Regarding the story line, short as it is, this is far better than a lot of stories I have read (or TRIED to read) here. Folks, this is not Great Literature. It's AMATEUR porn, with emphasis on the AMATEUR. Yes, construction, punctuation and usage often get in the way of the story, but every author, regardless of skill level, puts him-or her-self out there to tell a story. Before complaining too loudly, just try writing one of these yourself and see just how hard it is. For every story that is published, my bet is that there are 100 that are never submitted. I have published just ONE but have written five others that I did not feel were good enough. But I have very high standards for my writing both from a story line and a construction standpoint. Every one of the authors who post here have given their best effort and we should not beat them over the head with their shortcomings. Like my Mother always told me: If you don't have anything good to say, DON'T SAY IT.
Horrible!! do not continue!!!
This sucked
yes short & sweet . but no action
comimg home pt.01
needs to have some sex
Wrong Section
This story has its merits but it belongs in the nonerotic category.
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