Jake & Jessica Ch. 01

Get an editor before submiitting next chapter!

Ok story, although a bit too formulaic in spots.
But the spelling and grammar errors ruined any flow.
Worst offenders included using "were" when the contraction of "we are" is "we're".
Another was the repeated use of "to" when the word was "too".
There were too many other examples for me to elaborate here.
Get help with proofreading and editing. You need it.

Good feels

The type of romantic feels story i come here to read to help me through stuff

Needs Feeling, But Promising

'Needs quite a bit of editing, but a promising series. I did think the difficulty of Jessica and Jake admitting their feelings needed more attention, and while they may not be quite ready to go all the way yet, they must have had experience of some sort with others. This should have led them to at least a bit of making out, touching, and talking. The only thing they have done so far is say "I love you," and fairly chaste lip kisses. They must have had private times when they might experiment with taking things a little further, just to see how it feels. The main thing I see is this need for more feeling. The characters are somewhat standoffish. I hope future chapters overcome this, then come back and rewrite to give more feeling to this one.

Good story line ..

I enjoyed the story line and I appreciate the process; however, do yourself a favor and really work on the dialogue between characters. Read it out loud to yourself and see if it sounds like two people talking. Most of your dialogue is stilted - the intent is fine, the structure makes it awkward. If you can improve the quality of conversation, I believe that you'll have a winner.

For Fuck sake!! WTF! was that

Two pages,three quarters of which was no needed at all.You might know where your going but story needs an Editor #BAD

Got to say, "You need an editor!!"

Grammar is so bad I personally could not finish it. Found it hard to get interested or engrossed in the story because of it, which is a shame as what I did read showed promise.

A Very Good Start

I like that you want to give your characters depth. Stick with you plan to write a good story. The previous commentator doesn't know the difference between erotic literature, as in the name of the web site, and pornography, which is what he or she seems to want.

You really need an editor, as others have commented. My suggestion is to not hurry. Write the story, and then lay it aside for at least two or three weeks. Come back and read it carefully; correct all the typos and grammar problems you can find. You need to use software that has spelling and grammar checking features and you need to use them. Microsoft Word has pretty good spell checking but the grammar can be stilted. Dialog does not always follow grammar rules so don't let Word (or any other software) convince you to write sentences you and your characters will not use. Wait a few days and come back again.

Now read it to see if it is a story that flows well, has dialog that is believable for your characters, and will make sense to your readers. With whatever changes this reading brings, now it is ready for your editor. This needs to be someone who has a good command of grammar and some actually skill in editing.

Write to other authors and ask them to read your story and offer you writing advice from their experiences. You are looking for tricks of the trade, not story line. Even if they don't agree to help, read a generous sample of their stories to see what make great erotica. Beach Bum 1958 is a great example. So is Grand Teton if he is still around. Betweenthesheets is another who might help you understand the craft. You should take a look at the Justin Thyme series, you started out in a similar direction and it's a wonderful story. I really miss Callicious.

Thank you FeyGranddad95 Most of Chapter 1 was written while at work on a very slow day. I must admit that I half ass re-read it. I will be fixing the errors and re-posting it. I have written Chp. 2, 3, and working on 4. If you could pm me and suggest a excellent editor, Please do so.

Fine job

Pay no attention to critics you're doing a fine job let the critics write their own story and let you write yours.

Luke and Leia, fraternal twins also

I thought it ingenious that they went to the Halloween Dance as twins Luke and Leia. Made a statement of how powerful the twin bond is and how it can be a really strong influence over their life's. Very effective use there. The "art imitates real life" thing.

Edited version

Today, The edited version went live. Spelling and words that were missing have been added as well as a few lines were changed.

Thank you for those who have re-read it. I promise that Ch 2 will be up some time in the next week. Todger65 is currently helping me with editing and checking for mistakes. Ch. 3 is completed and awaiting a review as well. Ch. 4 is still being written and Ch. 5 will be a real tear jerker with a sad story in it.

Meh..

Poor character development regarding an in depth description of what they all looked like. I have no idea how hot Jessica is or Amy ....Jake needs a character profile as well. Sounds like your going to be writing dull love sex scenes, instead of hot lust sex scenes. Would be better if they just wanted to fuck each other all the time ...instead of love. Where do a cop and a elementary teacher have the money to buy 3 brand new cars ??? Just like that? Seems unrealistic. What does Amy look like as well?

Too much

Jim, Jake, Jack, Jessica... do you know any names that don't start with "J"? Confusing. "like a hotlanta day." "...(?) he could BY a pack of cigarettes..." Words like "mother" and "milkshake" shouldn't be capitalized. Really, I'm sorry to be harsh, but anyone who graduated third grade should know this. "11 minutes" "18" - those numbers should be written out. There are so many sloppy, uncaring errors like this I can't list them all, but they made me stop reading. If you don't give enough of a damn to read over your stories, why should anyone else?

like the characters but the numerous grammar errors distract me

I will keep reading because I like the characters and story but the writing is filled with serious grammar errors. Was the story translated from another language?