All Comments on 'Harp Un-strung'

It started out pretty dismal, then it got kind of amusing, after that you put the proverbial "pedal to the Metal" and finished up beautifully. This was a wonderful story, I think that this one needs to be in the Hall of Fame.

awesome story, 5 stars, here's hoping they make it

I look forward to enjoying more of your writing.

Will u write another part of this story

More please!?

This was the best written story I've read on Literotica.

Certainly should put you in the running for the Summer Contest.

Looking forward to more.

I wish I was the guy in that awsm story <3

This was a awesome story u should make more :D

The story seems to end rather abruptly when the two of them lose their virginity. Some of the build-up to that, earlier in the story is actually more erotic than the actual denouement. And when they finally have sex, it lacks some of the fumbling you would expect from a meeting of two virgins. In fact, the sex seems a bit boilerplate-ish. However, this is not strictly speaking an erotic story. It's a teenage love story that culminates in sex. I found that the story did sustain my interest for all 9 pages, although I was hoping for an ending that packed a bit more of a punch. I was also left wondering what all the anticipation about the Special Armed Force was for, since that sub-plot was simply left hanging at the end of the story. However, the characters were engaging and well-developed.

First of all, thank you for your insightful comment. I don't excel in writing sex scenes, but I guess that'll improve with some more practice.

Although this a standalone story, meaning you can read this entirely as a separate part, I've written this piece keeping the future story arc in mind.

This is, as you've guessed, not the end of their story.

Mike is going to join the armed force and his story is going to collide with another character from another story of mine. I don't wish to confuse the readers with that complex development with this part.

For now, it's just a story about how two imperfect people, with not so shiny pasts, fall for each other.

Thanks again for your comment.

Bard

Bard, this was an amazing piece of writting. The characters were believable in themselves. I hope there will be more. I would say the only part I celt lacking was the afterwards. Otherwise it was enjoyable.

Great, sensual build up and well written with literary qualities. I much prefer a story with good character development and sexual tension than rushed tales. My only disappointment was going to author page and not finding other stories. More ... please!

But is certainly wanting a follow on story arc.

I really liked the 2 broken souls joining and becoming one pair in happiness.

Don't think I'll like him going in the service. Been there, done that, wore out a lot of T-shirts. And take it from a Retired E-7, Military life is hell on the families as well as the military member. It cost me my first 2 marriages. Thank God I found one that could take the stress for the last 10 years of my career. Those 10 years were actually the worst part. Desert Storm, Provide Comfort and Southern Watch were hell for all involved.

That story was amazing. Thank you very much.

going to the Naval Academy.

Thats if he's a yank. Which I'm not to sure of; But there is Sandhurst, but I don't think they call that an Academy. If he is a Brit he would have said Royal Academy. So he is a yank. I haven't checked his bio as yet I wanted to play with it a bit.

So does she accept the Academy after all it is a college degree on top of a Commission.

So lets see this (not worthy of 2nd, but a !st!) mastery bit of writing takes us. Led on

and shakes it oh BARD!

Thank you

(for those who know!

" "

for those who don't two TALONS up!)

That was a great story. Please write more "first time" stories. You are incredibly gifted.

Best story I've read here so far. The pace was perfect and I love how the author slowly molded the two to be lovers. Was hoping he'd written more!

Intense romance with just the right amount of personal history and pain to bring the characters to life. It leaves you hoping that these two find the forever togetherness that they deserve.

This is coming as from Anonymous, but only because I have been unable to persude the computer at Literotica to let me sign in. I have been variously known as H.H.Morant and as Witton.

I couldn’t give it five stars – three were all that it deserved.

I’ve read your pieces on Loving Wives and the comments found therein; I will try to explain my rating using – to the extent possible – the same sort of analysis you described there.

The theme is so far from new as to rate as hackneyed. Poor boy, rich girl, thrown together by fate into the same high school class, assigned by the teacher to work together on a project. I don’t know whether joint class projects happen outside erotic fiction. Teachers are very much aware of the hormonal level found in the typical eighteen year old; I am skeptical of the project trope. But – it is a handy way to force the protagonists to interact.

I couldn’t believe your protagonists – especially Mike. He is preternaturally insightful for an eighteen year old. So is Claire. They sound like thirty somethings to me.

The story takes place in the United States so far as I could tell from the language and spelling you employed. Mike’s ambitions are ....? Who knows? Eighteen year olds who plan to join the military may have further ambitions within that choice, i.e., an army recruit may want to go airborne/ranger/special forces. But he joins the army. It would have made more sense – to the reader - for Mike to try to gain admission to one of the military academies.

Claire has money and brains. She is a high school senior. Such girls obsess over college choices and acceptances. If Claire did that I missed it – and I know from experience with high school age daughters and previously baby sitters in the same cohort is that by senior year Claire would have been worrying a lot more about acceptances than social circles. In fact – and I observed this phenomenon – social circles dissolved and reformed around girls’ applications to colleges. The wannabe Ivy leaguers come together, as did applicants for major public universities known as party schools, and so on.

I’ve got to stop – I have other things that I need to get finished. I’d be happy to continue a dialog if such is your wish.

I posted a comment as anonymous a couple of hours ago because I couldn't get signed in.

I have one further point why the characters didn't seem real: the sex scene - okay, in fact it was better than a lot of the ones seen here, BUT ...

1. Mike didn't use a condom. Claire didn't ask him to use one.

2. Many authors - fewer now than ten years ago, though - just ignore the issue. Most nowadays - especially First Time stories - bring it up and the best make it an integral part of the story. A good example of that being done especially well was M-Y-Erotica's Nothing Between Us https://www.literotica.com/s/nothing-between-us where the protagonists have regarded themselves as just friends, and then ... But then they have to go out in the wee morning hours to find a condom. Realistic to say the least.

3. In this story the protagonists have been getting closer and closer for a period of days and weeks - and neither of these preternaturally insightful people thought of the possibility of wanting and having sex with the other?

4. So they didn't have a condom - didn't think of it, I guess - and the author makes a point of how thoroughly full of sperm Claire's vagina was filled. Didn't occur to either one that this could be a life altering omission - strange behavior for such bright and insightful kids.

5. I will credit the author for not locating Claire's hymen several inches within her vagina. This is a meme which resists extinction, unfortunately - and yes, the hymen/cherry/maidenhead is located at the entrance to the vagina. Look it up.

Awesome story #Sammael.

I really loved it.

I liked the idea of expressing emotions of them at the same time.

You just didn't describe appearances of Claire much. Otherwise one of the best I have read.

I have enjoyed this site for years. Best story on site. Thanks.

Some one give this man an award.

until I read the comments. At some point I was thinking Australia until there was a reference to the president, there's no president in Australia so it couldn't be. So Gunn, ha?

I have to say that I really liked your story. I seldom find characters I can actually relate to (here in literotica, that is). Mike was definitely the case. I found the story to be very believable and realistic and that is something I duly appreciate. Most stories around here, I get to the second paragraph, find it absurdly unrealistic and go back to search for another story.

If anything, I would say as the only negative feedback: it was too short.

Thank you for writing something real and not just some 3 page, lame ass porn story.

At first I was ready to skip to the good parts. This was so well written that i had to read every word. You made me care about both people. If you work at it this can this be the intro to a great romance novel. Thanks for an enjoyable read.

Fist de Yuma

wonderful story development laced with humor. loved it

Great story bro but what happens next? Did he leave her to join the army? What happened to Claire in her childhood? I would LOVE to read a sequel

Very well written and it indeed needs a sequel

There was a mention that he will join military after school but later-on nothing was mentioned about it which was confusing.Other then that,the story was fantastic and very well written.I just think you could have written it better than you already have.Still easily a five star story.And thankyou for writing such a nice piece.

Thank you for sharing such an honest tale.

Refreshing to read a tale that explores the difficulty of becoming vulnerable, especially when people are working so hard on building up the exterior to keep themselves safe

I thought it was fairly well written with interesting characters and a storyline that was entertaining enough to make me read its entirety. There are some editing problems (wrong word use; misspelled word or two; word duplication) that the author probably doesn't see because he has read it too many times but a friend could probably spot them for him. A couple of what I'd call poorly phrased sentences. However, don't think I don't like the story based on some criticism--I liked it well enough to give you five stars. Polish it a little more.

Brilliant! Amazing!

What most authors forget is that like great sex BUILD-UP is everything! To qoute Monty Python "you don't just stampede to the clitoris!" FOREPLAY! BABY! FOREPLAY!

Wonderful restraint in story development.

The shifting back and forth to character internal monologues

took some getting used to; however, when it was mostly

reduced to the two principal characters, it worked nicely.

Feel good. The headline is...You're a Writer!

The carefully developed characters were far beyond the typical story on this site and the plot had a lovely arc in its development. Even the cousin and friends were lightly but well sketched out.

There aren't very many stories that are completely original so I'd reject any criticism

based on that.

My only complaint is that you've only posted one story!

I have no words to express my joy of reading this story. wonderful amazing superb doesnt even scratch the surface, you are a gifted writer. I loved every bit , the smalest detail, everthing about this story.

...I should get a girlfriend

I enjoyed the story immensely. You need not worry about the length; the pacing is impeccable. One could quibble about the occasional misspelling or grammar/syntax error, but imho you nailed all the big-picture elements. I am especially struck by how artfully you juggled the first-person narratives of both protagonists; that took a great deal of effort and care.

I've also read the numerous comments and can appreciate your frustration. How can people find fault because the author did not write the story they would have written in the way they would have written it?! Equally distressing, imho, are criticisms based on realism. If the author is taking her/his authorial responsibilities seriously, they are creating a fictional universe that operates by its own set of rules. Internal inconsistencies can be pointed out, but it should be out of bounds to complain that details in a story don't match the complainer's experience of the "real" world.

I encourage you to continue to build the fictional universe Claire & Mike inhabit. You have insights that are worth sharing and the skill to make the sharing entertaining.

for a great story, I hope you continue to write more. The main characters were very convincing. I actually hoped it would have lasted longer, maybe flesh out some details, with the family/friends, and previous events or stuff that still could happen. I Thought the perspective change was handled well too.

As a fellow first time genre author, let me say that I hope you surpass my rankings. And I'm up there ;) 5* from me!

So well written! Thank you!

This story really surprised me. I've just recently found this site and have become accustumed to the normal fare. This author has talent and I will look forward to other submissions from him. Good job!

it's bloody sweet. ;-)

I really enjoyed it. The best stories are the ones that you get lost in for a time !

Five stars.

Hopefully you can give us an update to these two characters. I'd really like to see how they develop in relationship to their friends and her parents. Guess I'm hooked on their development. Thank you for a sweet story. Even without the sex it would have been a great read! :-)

A unique style. The change in perspective made for a really interesting story. Absolutely excellent. I hope there is at least one follow up.

I wasn't sure if I'd like the double narrator approach, but you handled it as a master!

I agree that Witton's criticism was over-the top!

The sex scene was good, however the segway from runaway passion to controlled lovemaking was a little bit unrealistic (in retrospect, that is - didn't stop me suspending disbelief and enjoying it!). Daniel's book was a nice touch - maybe at some point Claire can find out about it and give Daniel a surprise hug in thanks!

Three items of interest for future storyline -

1) "I can't get pregnant" - not an author error but your comment indicates this was due to time of month, which is a common fallacy. My mother claims to know from experience that a woman can get pregnant at any time of the menstrual cycle, and as I have four brothers I'm inclined to believe her! As I expect you'll have Claire go on the pill I doubt this will impact the storyline much, if at all.

2) Mike promises to never leave Claire, but wants a career that will require him to do so for significant periods of time. Even at this stage Mike knows how important it is to Claire that he never leave.

3) I hope to see you develop more of Claire's history, both with her parents and whatever caused her to keep having panic attacks during intimate scenes.

MOST IMPORTANTLY - I hope to see a lot more of your writing!

I'm confused about the blowjobs... So she gives blowjobs and is great at it but she got her first kiss from him? That seems a bit odd, otherwise Loved it!

I almost remember being young, I wasn't as good/lucky as Mike with Claire. I did manage to have some fun.

I have to say you telegraphed it, all Claire needed was a good hard fuck to sleep alnight.

Your storie was about more than sex butt I liked thinking that was me....

Thanks for a thoughtful storie.

Your last name reminded me of the movie Scent of a woman. A Baird man, what it means to be a baird man. Think I'll watch it again.

A very nice story. It was a storey most readers could relate to.

Most importantly it was realistic, no 12 year old boy with a10 inch penis or a 13 year old girl with 36C breasts. And yet it was also erotic and lead many of us back down memory lane.

Thank you

well done sammael bard, well done indeed! that was one of the most beautiful erotic stories ive read on here. more than the erotic, it was the characters at the heart of the story which got me. much love!

It needs to be turned into a novel. It needs an aftermath and epilogue. If you do a sequel, I hope you don't add a meaningless breakup and start giving the characters affairs. That is what ruined "Susie" by Susie_O, she went against her characters traits and characteristics, by giving an uncharacteristic and ultimately meaningless break-up only to bring them back together almost as if nothing happened.

I especially love the colloquial. There's a steady flow, easy to follow and allows for one to imagine the scene while still reading. Environmental descriptions are a strong point of yours.

Hats off.

Although... You mean to say the awkward moments with Nina and Sam were all over a bet? I'm not complaining but that was just... weird I guess.

Thanks for the read. Though. Diamonds like these aren't easy to find on this site

I loved the character build up, and also the high moral grounds that were developed in the story, leading her to forego glam for honest relationships.

However, I don't get how Mike can have such high grounds and then volunteer for army service with a hope to be used in a foreign country. This sounds very much like an invasion. I think that Mike could join the army to defend his own country, but his morality should not allow him to invade other countries. Given his background, I would find it more believable if he did some philosophical or investigative career.

I would also like to say that I found the sex scene at the end a bit too smooth for first time, it almost felt too quick with respect to the story development that happened earlier. It would also be interesting to get a bit more background why Claire is often afraid of Mike, like when he unzips her dress or when he holds her while they play on the roof and he's trying to talk with his aunt. A bit more depth to it would not hurt.

While I found this one to be utterly perfect it needs a part two...what happens next does he go to boot camp does he stay with her....what happened to her brother and when does he meet the cousin...and she meets the aunt too....this one had just the right amount of sex and could use to be a bit shorter but is excellently done

When can we expect the sequel, it was easy to read the story.

It started off perfect. Assuming you're a native English speaker, you obviously didn't proof read your work. Errors start showing up in the first half, for example, using 'on' instead of 'in'. Otherwise I loved the story. The final scene could have been slower and more dramatic... after all, it was the first time for both of them. If there's going to be a sequel, I'm looking forward to it.

Aw! This was so good. You nailed the awkwardness, the sort of push/pull dance between a new couple perfectly. You managed to keep it sweet but still very sexy. Bravo!

To the person who commented that if Mike was going into the military in the UK that it would be the Royal Academy, please let me enlighten you by pointing out that whilst there is a Royal Academy, it is for artists. Sandhurst is the Royal Military College (for officers) and there are naval and air force equivalents. If you are a native English speaker, you should be aware that logic rarely plays much part in anything that comes out of the UK.

Your story really touched my heart. I really got caught up in the emotions. The sex was so hot. I was very excited. Great job thanks for sharing

If I want a sex story this long , I'll buy a book.

Please publish this

I was lost a few times, and it took forever to figure out why he was alone in the house. Or why she didn't want to go home if her parents were there. Still don't understand about being in one school and transferring mid term to the same school his next door neighbour and cousin attends. But I loved watching the two kids figure out they liked and then loved each other.

Look I liked the story. But it gets on my neves when some authors feel the need to mention the religiousness of their characters over and over. It makes them less realtable for me as an atheist, and it´s simply unecessary. Why not just avoid the topic so that anyone can relate to them?

There are so many more people that believe in something than there are atheists. Pretty selfish to want the author to write something that is relatable to you. Everyone has different opinions and beliefs and it makes much more sense to respect them than to whine. Frankly I think irlt makes the characters more real because as I said sooooo many more people believe in something than don't.

found the writing bland, as are the sex scenes. You also put words together like you feel the need to over emphasize what is being said. 'Sheer disdain'... 'visible exterior' (not shit, its the exterior) and "bright mellow sun' well which is it, bright or mellow? You can find stuff like that on each page. This story is readable for the price, but I wouldn't pay a cent more for it.

Where is the sequel?l

This is a great story. I enjoyed every moment of it. I hope to see a sequel. Keep up the good work.

OMFG...i loved this so much....every single bit of it...just perfect!

But you left me hungry for more!!!

It you made this into a 10 part series, I'd die from exhaustion from reading it non-stop for sure...

Very well done, and very very much appreciated.

Keep up the great work!!!

Great story, the only things that bug me are excessive words, and that tiny detail, that she had never kissed anyone before. While not impossible it just doesn't make sense, she had a relationship with that guy, I keep forgetting his name, and she gave him the occasional blowjob, it's hard to imagine what their relationship consisted of if they have never kissed

This is the type of story I've been looking for. If I could, I would give this story a 10. Amazing

I don't know how this could have been written any better..so well done, Thanks

This is easily the sweetest story I've read on this site. Even the sex is sweet, which is what makes it a winner.

I was just a wee bit distracted by two, really trivial, points. The first, if Mike lives next door to his aunt, and has lived there for some time, it being the family home, why was he going to a different school than his cousin? The second, was the mention of recess. Perhaps the author is not from the US but high schools don't have recess. Study hall? That I could buy. As I said, trivial and it was silly of me to let them pull me out of the story.

With apologies to Mr. Bard, I've decided not to look at his drawing of Claire. I'll stick to the one in my own head.

Truly the best thing ive ever read on here. Thank you for being such a great writer and sharing it.

I came in to this story not expecting much but over time, my expectations were blew out of the water by this phenomenal piece; Keep up the good work!

A great read... also waiting for Daniel's own love story

Dolly

This piece is what everyone's first time should be like. BRAVO!!! Adore your writing style. It was a true pleasure to read. You understand the inner workings of love and romance. I'm left smitten and thankful. Terrific way to end my day and start my morning.

My bf suggested that I read this, and I'm really glad he did. Your writing style is very expressive, and the chemistry between the main characters is intense. And this really connected with me.

This was a great read, and I had so much fun *winkwink* reading this. Thanks for the story!

R. K. Iris.

This was my introduction to the First Time category and I was blown away with your story. I will read your other submission with great anticipation. Thanks

Honestly i never wanted it to end, sure will of intent. It was truly engaging, realistic and heart warming.. A real masterpiece

I recall reading this wonderful story quite a while ago and I have to say that it only gets better with the second time! Thanks for sharing your gift for story telling. 👍👍

I have never loved before I am now aware. Although I have had sex before I have never made love like that nor have I been in love like that. Thank you For helping me learn about love. Perhaps someday I may learn to love in such a wonderful and healthy way.

Again thank you so much for your most beautiful share.

Edgar

Couldn’t stop reading, truely amazing

I loved the story and it was such a beautiful and well constructed piece.

I was entranced. You are a truly gifted writer.

This story fell below 4.90? Judging by the new first place, I'd say some ultra-in-love fans had a go at your score. To be surpassed holds meaning, to be suppressed means nothing.

Loved it. I couldn't stop reading. Wonderful story. Well done!

A true talent. Thank you! What a wonderful tale & so very well written!!

The build up of the characters is nicely done. But would the traumatic death of parents cause a teenage boy to live like a saint? And to run away from a hot girl who snuck into his bed? Hmmm...

I do find the pleading for votes at the end to be a bit off-putting, but in merit, the story clearly merits a five.

A great tale,well written and still heartwarming again and again. A little bit more about the future of the couple and the group(missy) would have been nice but I'm being greedy

This is just one of the most wonderful, sexy, loving stories I've read on this site. Thank you

Are there people who really go through this in real life?

I believe this is really one of the best on here

This thoughtfully stitched story background makes u wonder about life and the beauty of it.. Amazing essence of love and passion

It's really good, and the writing and language are advanced but understandable. By itself, the story doesn't need a sequel, but you could write one if you want (like an epilogue). I wish this would happen in my life. Mike's a lucky bastard.

Yes DirtyDude1, it happened to me. We met, fell in love instantly, courted for many years through school, married, and lived and loved until she died. Yes, that story is more true than you could possibly guess or imagine.

Probably the best story I have read on this site, without a doubt. The fact that it's not about the sex, sure, the sex is good, but even if it could have been left out, the story would not have suffered, in fact it's about Claire and Mike, is what I love the most.

Although, some jarring sentences threaten to ruin the experience, ie the sentences that don't fit, that come from an earlier revision of the story,where something else, other than what happened in the final draft was going to happen, break the immersion, and the few typos here and there as well. But no problem, love the story nonetheless.

And what others commented, would also have been appreciated. The story doesn't need it, but a sort of epilogue, how those two are doing, with Mike in the army, and Claire in some prestigious college, what happens to them, also a story about what they do in the few months they have, as Mike says, would be perfect.

Liked the story but the end was kind of odd... felt like he really still planned to “leave her” and was being dishonest to her by saying he would never leave her. Just kind of soured the happily ever after feel of it especially if there isn’t a part two.

First off, I enjoyed the characters and storyline. However, even after nine parts I wasn't sure which country we were in. I assumed the US but others seem to think the UK or even Australia. UK? Definitely not, we don't have jocks, school corridors lined with lockers or school kids driving cars. And what the hell are Special Armed Force, the elite Black Guard and the Special Land Forces Unit???? No army has special forces units that you can join from school.

There are also a number of inconsistencies in the storyline such as - "He hooks his hands under my pits and drags me upward until I’m lying on top of him." But a minute later he's kissing his way down her body to go down on her. How?

But my biggest issue is that the story is written in the first-person. This always causes a problem in that the story can only be told from one character's viewpoint. Most authors get around this by writing in the third-person. However, Sammael has chosen to write from two first-person viewpoints. Stories with multiple points of view can be successful but only with great care, usually by givng each character recognisable characteristics or 'voice'. In what is essentially a two character story, such a complication is unnecessary. It's just as easy to write, 'Claire sat on the bench and wondered.......' as 'I sat on the bench and wondered....'. In this story, I was often totally confused as to whether I was listening to Claire or Mike.

You gave us a solid 4 star story. I only give 5 stars to stories that I'd be willing to pay for.