There is almost nothing here to motivate me to read whatever other chapters you intend to post. Kevin is a total moron. You've foreshadowed him thinking with the small head instead of the big one. And there is a hint there of Casper Milquetoast wanting to make Kylie the Sub to his Dom. No thanks!
by
Anonymous09/20/15
hmmmmm..
Well the guy sounds like a total pushover for starters so much that I can't even remember his name even though I've just finished reading
All? Wasn't even a good start to a first chapter, just enough to let you know that he's pussywhipped.
by
Anonymous09/20/15
Wow, a bit rough aren't we?
I'm talking to the other commenters. Give him a chance, this could still go several ways. We know that Kevin's going to take control, but I can't wait to see how. And the abrupt finish just makes for suspense...
Give me more!!!!!
by
Anonymous09/21/15
Fantastic!
Awesome! I'm intrigued! More please!! Ignore the negative you wrote well with great drama! Way to go!
by
Anonymous09/21/15
Too short and a long list of cliffhanger chapters will shortly annoy....
.....in balance, you write well and I find my self intrigued by the family dynamic I believe is about to change dramatically.
I wonder if wifey has a clue that she's about to become a cuquean to her own daughter and that she will forever after be a part of the sexual trio her husband is about to create?
Well, let's see if you pull it off...
Oh, and sorry, but it is rather obvious.
by
Anonymous09/21/15
Even story writing has rules.
Writing is not just putting words together so they make sense. It's an established process. I assume the writer thought it wouldn't matter, doing a teaser would be enough cuz it's 'cute'. Guess he never met a 'prick teaser'. Such a short tease should only have been published with other chapters at the same time. A good story is more than words. Try again.
by
Anonymous09/21/15
ZZZ....zzzz
Not even remotely intriguing. Another couple of paragraphs would've been helpful but this is a dozer.
English
Not that great a start
There is almost nothing here to motivate me to read whatever other chapters you intend to post. Kevin is a total moron. You've foreshadowed him thinking with the small head instead of the big one. And there is a hint there of Casper Milquetoast wanting to make Kylie the Sub to his Dom. No thanks!
hmmmmm..
Well the guy sounds like a total pushover for starters so much that I can't even remember his name even though I've just finished reading
Hummm
Is that it ????
That's
All? Wasn't even a good start to a first chapter, just enough to let you know that he's pussywhipped.
Wow, a bit rough aren't we?
I'm talking to the other commenters. Give him a chance, this could still go several ways. We know that Kevin's going to take control, but I can't wait to see how. And the abrupt finish just makes for suspense...
Give me more!!!!!
Fantastic!
Awesome! I'm intrigued! More please!! Ignore the negative you wrote well with great drama! Way to go!
Too short and a long list of cliffhanger chapters will shortly annoy....
.....in balance, you write well and I find my self intrigued by the family dynamic I believe is about to change dramatically.
I wonder if wifey has a clue that she's about to become a cuquean to her own daughter and that she will forever after be a part of the sexual trio her husband is about to create?
Well, let's see if you pull it off...
Oh, and sorry, but it is rather obvious.
Even story writing has rules.
Writing is not just putting words together so they make sense. It's an established process. I assume the writer thought it wouldn't matter, doing a teaser would be enough cuz it's 'cute'. Guess he never met a 'prick teaser'. Such a short tease should only have been published with other chapters at the same time. A good story is more than words. Try again.
ZZZ....zzzz
Not even remotely intriguing. Another couple of paragraphs would've been helpful but this is a dozer.
cranesgirl
Thanks for the support. There is another ch pending approval right now. Read the author note in that about the length of this chapter.
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