The "Oh daddy" stuff when she starts a sentence needs to stop. Seriously. No one talks like that. Ever. Part of what makes a story hot and exciting is just ENOUGH touches of reality to keep the reader interested. No matter how improbable the situation or sexual acts, if the characters at least talk to each other the way that we do, the reader can suspend their disbelief and lose themselves in the made-up world you've created. You can either use your characters like sledge-hammers or precise scalpels- it's up to you. But you'll get more effective use out of them if you keep them realistic in how they behave.
You didn't make love to her, you used her as a cum bucket ! Where's the loving and foreplay? And yes, punctuate your long sentences it does make for easier reading. I know there are quite a few writers out there from across the pond who can't tell their from there, but correct use of our great English language is a must.
The sentiment in the story is good , keep writing !
English
Does the job, but could be better
The "Oh daddy" stuff when she starts a sentence needs to stop. Seriously. No one talks like that. Ever. Part of what makes a story hot and exciting is just ENOUGH touches of reality to keep the reader interested. No matter how improbable the situation or sexual acts, if the characters at least talk to each other the way that we do, the reader can suspend their disbelief and lose themselves in the made-up world you've created. You can either use your characters like sledge-hammers or precise scalpels- it's up to you. But you'll get more effective use out of them if you keep them realistic in how they behave.
yup
What he said. No one talks that way.
Good story - I'm still hard!
UK comment
You didn't make love to her, you used her as a cum bucket ! Where's the loving and foreplay? And yes, punctuate your long sentences it does make for easier reading. I know there are quite a few writers out there from across the pond who can't tell their from there, but correct use of our great English language is a must.
The sentiment in the story is good , keep writing !
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