Rough and Tumble

Characters did interesting and vivid actions in theory

But the author isn't yet able to gift the readers with " you are here " sensation. Outrage in the abstract to a fault. Existential , cucumber cool, hubby ? Maybe that's why she cucked him ? This author has potential, but needs polish.

A lot of potential.

Nice flash story. Waiting for more

First time entry!

You had the premise for a good story but didn't put enough into it. There was nothing in the way of emotions or even much dialogue. Which brings me to a pet peeve. Two people NEVER talk within the same paragraph. I can't get over how many people don't know that. It's 3rd grade English. Every time a another person talks a new paragraph is formed.
I wish I could give your first try a 5 but a 3 is the legitimate score. You need to try harder next time.

Good Flash!!!

Looking forward to future stories. Thanks for sharing.

I guess he was cool

...but that's okay. Different strokes.
The one thing I hoped for was that he'd have stuck out his foot as his wife's lover sprinted for the front door.
Cool, not cold.

NOt a bad first step

This story has terrible mechanics and almost completely undeveloped characters....

BUT it has a fresh premise so that's something.

If this is really a first story from a new writer then I'll be interested in seeing what he learns and comes up with next.

A pretty good effort; but the characters seemed a bit too dense.

How many people knew about the affair and kept their mouths shut but as soon as they thought domestic violence occurred they immediately jumped to action? Not bloody likely.

Liked it

Good story, to the point, satisfying. It could have used more flesh on the bone. This is a story that is about an emotional landscape more than the physical detail of catching someone in the act of betrayal. A little more attention to emotional detail would add a lot.

Very interesting, but it ended too fast and there is a need for a rewrite. Keep writing and maybe come back later and rewrite this one.

This was interesting...but...

This was interesting...but arises some questions: 1st - I understand the wife's women friends would think he had beat her up, because she was cheating and thought that was no way to deal with it...But the husbands to think the same? That's impossible, because all of them would think what they woould do if they were on his shoes...2nd - I believe that sooner than later one of those husbands would have tip him off, because if their wives were doing the same they would have wanted to know...3rd - If I was one of those husbands, and knew my wife was accepting that a friend cheated, then I would think, if she wasn't cheating too...The least I would want was for her to let go the other woman as a friend, and never talk with her again...4th - As soon I was divorced, and with the evidence I had, I would sue the Bank because on of their managers was having an affair with a married woman of his staff...The man and his wife would found themselves unemployed...The state they lived could be a no-fault state, but the bank would pay to stay out of a scandal...That's why this story is too short...However it's a good first effort...3*

Promising

I liked it but I found it a bit short on emotion. The main character was very Forrest Gump so if you find it difficult to write about emotions you might want to consider going in that direction. Have the gullible fool win out each time. And don't finish so abruptly.

Fun quick read.

Keep writing! - claud137

short and sweet

short tale full of holes . wanessa had kids but ran out of the house ? neck
brace but had hot sex so soon? A bit longer tale may have filled in the
holes and made a better tale

good, but....

where's the sex?

Good Start

Very nice first story.

It needs more emotion, but that will come with experience.

Total waste of time

Just plain stupid and not at all entertaining.

ok for your first time

you at least tried to be original. the biggest problem for me was that everyone knew his wife was cheating. his friends, coworkers and everyone else.i know a friend telling him is very cliche but its that way for a reason. somebody would say something. maybe an unsigned letter. this wouldve worked if instead of everyone saying something,it was only her best friend that says something that gets him curios. he also shouldve gotten her boss in trouble with their job.

lame ending

all the build up to nothing...

Good first try.

I gave it 4 stars for a good first try. I'm looking forward to your next submission.

Lots of Questions

Left unanswered. I guess we can use our imagination but I'd like to know more about the confrontation and about the aftermath. Most neighbors, especially the men, would have been more forth coming about the visits of Martin to the home.

A good start to your writing career here on Lit. It was more of a tell the reader than show the reader and that will improve as you grow as an author.
Thanks for the effort and please keep writing.

Woodmanone

Very entertaining!

So smart to let the other wife discover them! And so believable that everyone assumed he beat her. Well done!

Good One!

The feedback in the Loving Wives section is quite vigorous, so you're very brave to post your first story in this category. Don't let the anonymous creeps get to you, but you may get some good feedback from the ones who sign their commentary.

Good, original story. I look forward to seeing more from you! 5*

Actually...

...this story is nothing to write home about.

Okay for a first try, but...

There were plot points you really didn't address or holes that weren't filled. I'm sure a lot of these have already been mentioned.

1) Everyone else seems to know what was going on, including his boss. That really needed to be addressed. How does he go back to work with these people knowing they were keeping this from him? Not only at work but in the neighborhood they were all but accusing him of beating her. Where were their reactions when they found out the truth?

2) Vanessa and Martin had kids. Who took care of them when Dave dragged her away?

3) She’s in a neck brace and in pain. Are they so great fucking each other that even with that and all the scrutiny that’s aimed at them that they can’t wait until she’s healed and the public focus has died down?

4) As a general rule of thumb, when the character speaking changes, start a new paragraph.

Everyone learns from their mistakes. Don’t be discouraged but use all of the comments to be a better writer. For your next one, you might want to write the first draft, put it away for awhile, and then read it with a fresh perspective.

Nice Story

It has the problem of being a bit hampered by the narrative style. Personally I was
surprised that the Police did not call him in for questioning. I liked that after George told him what was going, he gathered evidence before reacting and then even set up the scene so he would not be guilty of assault though many readers probably felt that this marks him as a wimp.

Is it worth giving bowling to protect your wife's virtue? If your answer is yes, than you had better not get married!

THOSE 10 PIN DRAMAS

carry the %age of cheaters back to the bank. TK U MLJ LV NV

A bit short

and short on detail. too I'm sure you could have told the readers more about Wendy and Martin's actions and deceptions. I don't know about 'suing the employer'. Non-fraternization clauses may be in the company employee's conduct book but I doubt it could be a condition of employment and would not actionable. (At least not anywhere outside the USA)

Very original way of finding the cheating

And originality is worth a 5 in my book, especially when the story is well written.

Liked It

Previous comments have covered the territory so well. Good start for first submission but your main characters are flat, not developed enough, and the ending is too abrupt. As others have said, you've taken a different turn than the usual template of moving along from the cheating spouse & that's commendable. Like your title, the the LW category gets "rough & tumble" comments as your a your piece has evoked quite a few. As an editor, I encourage you to continue to write & gain from the positive criticism - particularly, one paragraph for each dialogue voice quote, as earlier mentioned. Kudos!

it was an okay short story

I like a more developed story with a beginning ,a middle and an end. more detail and pages.

not terrible

Not too bad for a first story.
Some writers on Lit. are no better on their tenth or twentieth story, but you do have room for improvement.

Do agree that you are brave to put your first story in LW, these are generally the harshest critics.

Please do put a new speaker in a new paragraph, as well as when a new person does something.

I'm glad you stopped bowling.

It's the root of all evil.

both naive and nasty

The second he whips that video out in court an innocent and cheated on woman is going to prison for assaulting a domestic abuse victim' did you fotget you wrote that? Everyone thinks hes guilty, the video comes after the "abuse" and it ends up making a cheating whore look like an object of sympathy.

Because yes, wife beaters are more trashy than whores, and will lose in court every time. Doesn't matter that hes innocent, you wrote that everyone thought he was guilty. In real life, that is a death sentence. No job, no career. You lose everything. People pretend to be nice, but secretly believe you are dog shit.

Interesting story about discovery of cheating, but kind of flat and lacking emotion.

Cheating stories that omit discussion of the reasons why always read kind of shallow and empty. She cheated, he caught her, he divorced her, have a nice day. But what about Why? She just ended up being a slut? And everyone knew but him? Who the hell did he marry? Why didn't anyone warn him? What made these cheaters think they could get away with such an obvious affair? And if so many people thought he had caught her and beat her up, why did she continue the affair? Just way too many why's left unexplored to be a really good story. Too bad; it was a decent plot.

Nice First Story

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Brujay

ok

Not too bad for a first story. I bit short, a nice build-up, but all of a sudden it was over. Did you get bored?

John1946 your story?

To john1946.... "Did you get bored" why don't you publish a story and show us how it's done

To author ... Not to my taste but thanks for sharing

Liked It

I suggest a sequel from the wife's POV: e,g,, why, what happened after the confrontation, is she having regrets?

Well done

Fun little tale. Thanks for posting

If he had been beaten Wendy, he would have been scum, I agree....

....but he didn't.....so why is it okay for Vanessa to hit Martin or Wendy? Short answer: it' NOT.....no motherfucking double standards are gonna fly with me. Otherwise, short, bittersweet, and left me hanging...more, please....explain what went down in your divorce and remarriage. And Wendy deserves a fresh start, as do Vanessa and Martin (though Vanessa clearly needs the anger management).

I liked it

It could have been fleshed out a bit more. I found the climax very brief (no pun intended) and the ending rushed and a little sparse. Another page or two would help not harm.

Clever

Not the run-of-the-mill story. " That handbag must have weighed at least ten pounds and she swung it like a battle axe" Lovely image.
Keep writing....

5* all the way.

Good plot and well-executed.

I like your style.

I trust this will be the first of many contributions?

Excellent

first story. Keep them coming!

So much more to write.

I liked what was there but there is so much more that could be written yet with your setup. Vanessa got her two cents worth by using her purse but our guy never even really had a confrontation and we do not know his wife's reactions or his after that. I think the best part of this story was left unwritten. Cheaters should feel the pain of their betrayal. The boss did (beat up and around the head by the purse) but we don't hear anything about what Wendy experienced.

Thanks for your efforts. If you are up for it a chapter two give us some of that after reaction, otherwise consider adding more angst in future stories.

CB

5*****

Good light BTB story. LOL

Duna

Polt holes

I agree the author left some plot holes (Vanessa's kids, how he could avoid wife beater accusation during divorce, longer time for reapeted cheating to left time for healing up, too many people knew about her affair to think of domestic violance, longer angry or depressing state after catching the sad news, etc...). However the original idea how he learned her cheating is enough for 5*****.
I hope the author learns from the comments for his next story.

Lots of gaps in the story

If all the neighbours, coworkers, and friends knew she was having an affair why did they remain quiet?
If they both worked at the bank did it not raise an alarm when he changed the accounts?
If everyone suspected him of domestic violence, and she was treated at hospital, he should have been reported.
etc. etc. etc.

has potential

Has potential but needs work
Keep writing and get an editor ,you will improve
Good luck

Great fun

Very understated use of dramatic sequence. However for me I always want a dialogue between hubby and cheating wife; I would have liked more about their relationship apart from the fact of his stopping picking things up for her, and her attempt to pacify him by cooking something nice.

But I was glued to this unfolding tale and loved the slightly farcical character to it.