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English
preaching, didactic & not poetic
We this and we that and we and we and everyone supposedly still something else. And then BANG: dance--a childish symbolism, without any meaning for it provided in the text.
Breathing Bromine
I like it and am not put off by the first person plural. The distance of "we" is one of the tradedies of modern life. I do agree that the last stanza could be stronger. My one question is about "breathing bromine". I don't recognize the reference.
Bromine...
...is a liquid substance that is (was?) used to make computer screens and TV's flameproof. Toxic as hell, gives you cancer.
Anyway...
this is technically and lingustically impressive but too caught up in the rubiyat to bloom. I like the "dance" though, exactly for the reasons that Senna dislikes it. The childish, naive simplicity is a cool contrast to the technocratic lines before it.
I'm a bit opposite
I was a little lost in your puter references, but I knew what they were... and then you ask a question would you give it up to dance? Heh, I liked that part. I don't think your rhyme was forced. However, I don't love it, because well, I'm not a puter geek, but I did send it to some of my puter friends who Looooooooved it! Nice use of form.
A world of diff
Icingsugar,
On one hand the simplicity and even a naive voice can be noble artistic means. That's not the case here. On the other hand a text can be simply primitive and crude, and naive only in the sense of telling us naive, trite (and unmotivated) ideas like this chance-dance in the given case, just out of blue, without anything harmonious to it.
(I am talking just about a publicly posted text. Just that and nothing more and nothing else. So, the regulars of the poetry discussion board, if you can help it, try to avoid any personal attacks).
Difference
No worries Senna, you are entitled to whatever opinion you have. If I didn't want honest feedback, I'd turn off that option.
(ps. I wish I could choose not to rate in those posts, but I stamp on a neutral 3 then...)
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