Soccer Mom Ch. 01

Good start, would have liked a few more details of her past etc. seemed to get to the married stage pretty quick

I 'seen' trouble

for this story in the first sentence.

Two words...

Editor and proofread. I'm not a grammar nazi, but after I read the first sentence, I kinda lost interest. Everything was rushed and there was borderline no character development.

A few things...

First, you should get an editor. Even the best story line can be ruined by poor editing.

Second, the story moved a bit fast, without much character development or background. That sort of thing can add to a story, especially one like this one where there is an on-going relationship.

Third, and this is more plot-related, I'm not sure how the protagonist changed her into an exhibitionist when the first time he saw her, moving in and dressed to deal with strangers (the movers), she was dressed like a MILF porn actress showing up at the car mechanic's for a gangbang. It appears that from the first time he saw her, she was an exhibitionist; a bit of her history, perhaps at Uni, could give us some insight on her preferences. Perhaps with plot development and actual conversations between / among the characters, that could have been fleshed out. Maybe next chapter?

Nevertheless, carry on. It's not bad for a first effort, but it could definitely use improvement in editing, in gradual increases in sensual behaviour, and more developed dialogue and character backgrounds.

We don't know why she was divorced

But she now was in a relationship with a worst man for sure! Soon he will be whoring her and also fucking her daughter! Sometimes is better to be alone.

Learn

Learn to write. Your grammar is that of a young kid and your story line quite juvenile. Get some help if you want to write anything of note.

Tiny Tim

Read the tags and move on

Cuckold-sharing wife. That said it all. Another one of those willing cuckold stories that's sure to be erotic. NOT. I'm sure the perverts and unwashed will disagree.

1*

fag cuck shit.

Continue ? Why?

You have no talent for writing.

Your first sentence fails by the 5th word. Terrible grammar. 1*

No comments...

No comments...1*

Keep writing if you want to.

You're harmless. Also talentless, but that's your problem.

1*

stupid cuck shit.

Good story

Don't worry about anonymous comments. The person who wrote it has likely never written anything and doesn't have the guts to leave his name
This is a great story and I look forward to the next chapter. Hope it comes soon!

Soccer mom?

A. Soccer mom's have kids that need to be driven around.
B. You discribe a women who already wears next to nothing, but you say you got her to start wearing sexy clothes.
C. You say you are going to turn her into a cum slut but she already likes to suck cock.
D. An 18 y/o who is comfortable wearing a tiny bikini in front of strangers on her first meeting is already a slut.
E. You need an editor.
F. You don't have a plot at all.
G. I usually find some redeeming quality about a writer and will point out the good parts to balance out the bad... But alas, I didn't notice a single one.
H. I'm sure you realize you don't deserve a single star, but that's what you get.

Soccer mom? Pt two.. The rest of my comment.

Along with all the flaws I pointed out in my prior comment, I should point out that this story is in the wrong catigory. Not one person in the story is married. If no one is married why did you post it in "loving wives"? You also tagged it with cuckold-sharing wife. Not once did sharing occur, was or even made reference to. You could have at least hinted that in some future chapter you hoped to marry one of the females and that you planned on sharing her, but you don't... Try taking a writing course or at least discuss the story with someone who has.

GRAMMAR, WORD USAGE!!!

I read the first sentence--"I SEEN her... Please use the proper words and proper grammar. Should be I SAW her. Seen is used like "I have seen her, she was seen...
I stopped reading after the first sentence because I knew the grammar, etc. in the rest of the story would be terrible.
If ypu're gonna write, learn proper English!

That makes two of us

It's always bad enough when you have to listen to the uneducated SAY, "I seen," but to read someone use it in a story? No.