Sister and Little Brother Ch. 01

It was ok

It was ok, but it was way to short and you did not describe the charecters at all.

Nice

Cant wait to hear more !

WAY TOO SHORT!

Great start, but you need to "set the stage."
Who are they?; ages?; living at home?; parents home or away?

good, but please tell us about the brother and sister....

Why they live together etc....needs a lot more to this story....
keep going whith this, good start ?

Two different stories

Good start but usually when you say POV, it implies the same scene from a different POV. This seems like two different stories and scenes that were smashed together. Was one right after the other or a few days later?

Changing tenses in the middle of clauses

gives the impression you don't know how tenses work. Stick with a tense that works for you, but flipping between them mid-narrative is jarring for the reader. And FYI, First Person Present is an awkward tense to write in, it's a running commentary, not a story, and never works well unless you really, really know what you're doing.

I gave you three stars, which is still a 'like', but your staccato sentences, lack of flow and smooth transition from one sentence to the next, and inability or unwillingness to stick to a tense or POV knocked 1 star off.

I'd advise you to read some of the better-written stories here (for example Words On Skin, Rag Doll, Stolen Kisses, Sarah's Car Trip) and note their sentence structure, then have a think about maybe re-editing this story with a little more flow and rhythm to it, in a tense that's comfortable and involving to read, and then re-posting.

short, but s good start

hurry and send in chapter 2

condescending assholes!

I hate people who dictate about writers' choices of narrative style. If you don't like it, stop fucking reading it. You're not the times literary supplement. Twats.

To: Condescending Asshole

Dipshit, it's a comment section. It's there for people to make comments. It's not like you're placing an order for lunch. (This might explain why you don't get any food delivered to your computer, no matter how many times you type "egg salad sandwich!")

More

Not bad for a start. Let's see another chapter. Thanks

Thanks for all your comments. and Everyone stop freaking out. at the top of the story I asked for both good and bad criticism. Getting feedback whether it's good or bad helps a writer get better at writing. And i'll try to hurry and get a second chapter out.

Comments

If your going to criticize a story, have the guts leave a name, anonymous comments good or bad are just cowardly and not fair. I support the author's right to tell the story as is. If you don't like it at least leave a name. Always remember that this is a porn site, and not "Barnes & Noble". If you want literary masterwork, go somewhere else & not a porn site. These are jack off stories nothing else.

This Has Promise!

I like what you have so far! This has promise to be an excellent story! That being said, however, there are a few critiques: there were some word omissions and other minor grammar issues, but nothing that can't be fixed with a few edits. I felt the pacing was a little choppy, but that is also easily fixed. Personally, I'd like to see more details within this scenario. Flesh out your characters a bit more, some more details about their living arrangements, give your characters some character. My biggest concern with this is that Dylan finds Kelli asleep and starts licking her pussy. Work up to it. Does he struggle morally? Does he have to move her in any way? Does he even try to make sure she's really asleep before tasting her? Does he enjoy her taste? Why does he suddenly stop?
I did enjoy this and I look forward to seeing more! Keep up the good work and thank you for sharing!