Tough to read. Couldnt finish because the mix of spoken and unspoken not clarified.
by
Anonymous12/08/15
Difficult to understand or appreciate
I kept tripping over the lack of flow from sentence to sentence and the abrupt, staccato sentences themselves; an obscure narrative is a wasted narrative here, so I'd advise you to read some of the other first-person stories from people like Xarth, PacoFear, Texas Refugee among others to work out how to tell a story clearly and simply but effectively.
I'd also recommend you avoid First-person, present-tense narration unless you really, really know what you're doing, it's usually a very irritating format and gets low scores.
3 stars for trying, but it should have got more, so perhaps you should consider an edited and expanded, less hurried version told in a more conventional 'first person past tense' narrative style. A good effort, though, please keep going.
by
Anonymous12/08/15
Good story, now yes there is some problems but for a first time story and writer it was good. With each new story you will progress as a writer. I look forward to seeing your progression as a writer.Good job lulupackerson
Agree with the constructive criticism offered by one Anon. Applaud you for putting it out for us. I am slowing working on my own first offering,so I can empathise with how you must feel. Please continue this story. It is well worth carrying forward. Five stars. Keep writing. You'll only get better.
by
Anonymous12/09/15
What a
snooze fest. Glad it was only 1 page.
by
Anonymous12/10/15
The 23 year old slacker should get his own place. Has he ever heard of 2 jobs. If he did this, he would not have time to molest his little sister. Oh! but she seems to be a slut and like it.
by
Anonymous10/25/16
wasn't enough ......
there was not enough "eroticness" and the title of your story doesn't really match the content .
English
Apostrophes
Tough to read. Couldnt finish because the mix of spoken and unspoken not clarified.
Difficult to understand or appreciate
I kept tripping over the lack of flow from sentence to sentence and the abrupt, staccato sentences themselves; an obscure narrative is a wasted narrative here, so I'd advise you to read some of the other first-person stories from people like Xarth, PacoFear, Texas Refugee among others to work out how to tell a story clearly and simply but effectively.
I'd also recommend you avoid First-person, present-tense narration unless you really, really know what you're doing, it's usually a very irritating format and gets low scores.
3 stars for trying, but it should have got more, so perhaps you should consider an edited and expanded, less hurried version told in a more conventional 'first person past tense' narrative style. A good effort, though, please keep going.
Good story, now yes there is some problems but for a first time story and writer it was good. With each new story you will progress as a writer. I look forward to seeing your progression as a writer.Good job lulupackerson
yes good writing ,another chapter would be nice
Had no trouble reading it.
Agree with the constructive criticism offered by one Anon. Applaud you for putting it out for us. I am slowing working on my own first offering,so I can empathise with how you must feel. Please continue this story. It is well worth carrying forward. Five stars. Keep writing. You'll only get better.
What a
snooze fest. Glad it was only 1 page.
The 23 year old slacker should get his own place. Has he ever heard of 2 jobs. If he did this, he would not have time to molest his little sister. Oh! but she seems to be a slut and like it.
wasn't enough ......
there was not enough "eroticness" and the title of your story doesn't really match the content .
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