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Slow down!
You have the makings of a pretty good story here but you rushed thru it so quickly that you neglected to expound on issues that would engage readers more effectively. Much more could have been related about the father's struggle and indecisiveness; there was room for lots of flirting and teasing. Buildup is crucial if you expect to succeed with your writing. Intimacy and that all so important emotional connection were sorely lacking. These are the things that separate erotic literature from pornographic scribbling. This story falls somewhere in the middle but could have been much more enjoyable!
way2damnquickly:
after reading the comment telling you slow down the story ..... .....
i've needed extremely quickly skim around ..... can't even bother reading .....
i'm not gonna even bother reading that's how quickly you've done things .......
revise this except now take time doing everything every detail every portion
Short and sweet
I liked the story
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