Good job .I liked the story but you kind of rushed it , Great story and concept can't wait to see what you do with it . Hope you plan to do more .Keep writing I'll keep reading . Added you to my favorite list .
Anonymous, I am made because I mad a mistake in the title by leaving out the E. Unfortunately, I can't see any easy way of correcting it.
by
Anonymous12/29/15
No problem leaving out the "E" - Great story, arousing, HOT and we want more. Now maybe, Keith and both his sisters and maybe Momm now and then will have Keith screw them more often and of course you have to suck their boobs / nipples too. Thank you :)
keep the chapters coming but please try to make them at least 2-3 pages. You will find that you will get better votes if the stories are longer instead of a bunch of 1 page chapters.
by
Anonymous12/29/15
Nice one
What a great little story , i like long stories and short stories, this is far the best short story I have ever read here m well done . But I dont understand the jibes about one lousy letter E , I never even noticed because the story caught and held my little perverted attention right until the last word : ))
You had all the right pieces here…believable characters, the beginnings of an interesting plot and then you made a few poor moves and the story ended up being pretty mediocre. First, you went way too fast! Second, because you were racing thru, you placed the characters in the sex mode using dialogue and behavior that would NEVER occur IRL. Yes, I know the truth is often stretched on these pages and we must entertain the occasional fantasy or two, but the best stories manage to do these things by staying somewhat in the realm of the possible. Lastly, you are in serious need of assistance with editing and proofreading. Your writing borders on the childish. I hope you take my words in the spirit they're offered. No offense intended. If you're serious about your writing then you'll understand my intent.
by
Anonymous12/30/15
Readability
The story would be much easier to read if you learn to use, for example, I'll instead of I will and I'm instead of I am. People don't talk that way.
Apart from that the story wasn't much good, lacked credibility and maturity, maybe it's autobiographical.
by
Anonymous12/30/15
Chapter
Hurry with the next chapter please.
by
Anonymous12/30/15
A great start!
Very nice how you pivoted from the initial problem situation, to a sexual one that made all three of them happy. It looks like there could be another participant in the family fun.
One the most exciting stories I have read ) wickedly bad but lustfully erotic
by
Anonymous12/31/15
Adolescent crap
The most unrealistic garbage that I have ever suffered through. If it had been more than one page it would have been torture. Your sentence structure, while grammatically correct, was stilted. People just don't talk that way.
The next time you attempt to write a story please keep it to yourself.
by
Anonymous01/03/16
The dialogue sounds robotic
Contractions, use them: it's, you're, we're, I'm, etc.
It would be very funny to turn in a story and have your teacher say,
"Billy, in this sentance, 'My sister shouted 'I am cumming' as I fucked her ass.'
should really be 'My sister shouted 'I'm cumming' as I fucked her ass."
Great stroke story! Down and dirty, full cum ahead!
You need to write chapter 2 and bring Lisa into the decadent incestuous debauchery. And please leave Dad out of it.
by
Anonymous03/16/16
Great story
This was a really great story hurry up with chapter 2 maybe you can make the older sis want to tell about them and then the mother, him and the lil sis would force fuck the older one or something
English
nice
Hot Story
Strange but hot .
Good job .I liked the story but you kind of rushed it , Great story and concept can't wait to see what you do with it . Hope you plan to do more .Keep writing I'll keep reading . Added you to my favorite list .
Huh?
Is the sister made because she mad a video?
oh the power of a letter.
Anonymous, I am made because I mad a mistake in the title by leaving out the E. Unfortunately, I can't see any easy way of correcting it.
No problem leaving out the "E" - Great story, arousing, HOT and we want more. Now maybe, Keith and both his sisters and maybe Momm now and then will have Keith screw them more often and of course you have to suck their boobs / nipples too. Thank you :)
Cool Family
Now that's a cool family, the way it should be.
keep the chapters coming but please try to make them at least 2-3 pages. You will find that you will get better votes if the stories are longer instead of a bunch of 1 page chapters.
Nice one
What a great little story , i like long stories and short stories, this is far the best short story I have ever read here m well done . But I dont understand the jibes about one lousy letter E , I never even noticed because the story caught and held my little perverted attention right until the last word : ))
good sex scenes
but rest makes no sense
Almost succeeded
You had all the right pieces here…believable characters, the beginnings of an interesting plot and then you made a few poor moves and the story ended up being pretty mediocre. First, you went way too fast! Second, because you were racing thru, you placed the characters in the sex mode using dialogue and behavior that would NEVER occur IRL. Yes, I know the truth is often stretched on these pages and we must entertain the occasional fantasy or two, but the best stories manage to do these things by staying somewhat in the realm of the possible. Lastly, you are in serious need of assistance with editing and proofreading. Your writing borders on the childish. I hope you take my words in the spirit they're offered. No offense intended. If you're serious about your writing then you'll understand my intent.
Readability
The story would be much easier to read if you learn to use, for example, I'll instead of I will and I'm instead of I am. People don't talk that way.
Apart from that the story wasn't much good, lacked credibility and maturity, maybe it's autobiographical.
Chapter
Hurry with the next chapter please.
A great start!
Very nice how you pivoted from the initial problem situation, to a sexual one that made all three of them happy. It looks like there could be another participant in the family fun.
More - and soon !
Very soon, please !
This is really good !
Wow
One the most exciting stories I have read ) wickedly bad but lustfully erotic
Adolescent crap
The most unrealistic garbage that I have ever suffered through. If it had been more than one page it would have been torture. Your sentence structure, while grammatically correct, was stilted. People just don't talk that way.
The next time you attempt to write a story please keep it to yourself.
The dialogue sounds robotic
Contractions, use them: it's, you're, we're, I'm, etc.
Lol, Can you imagine an english teacher...
It would be very funny to turn in a story and have your teacher say,
"Billy, in this sentance, 'My sister shouted 'I am cumming' as I fucked her ass.'
should really be 'My sister shouted 'I'm cumming' as I fucked her ass."
How ridiculously ludicrous this scenario is...
...and yet so incredibly fuckin' HOT!
Great stroke story! Down and dirty, full cum ahead!
You need to write chapter 2 and bring Lisa into the decadent incestuous debauchery. And please leave Dad out of it.
Great story
This was a really great story hurry up with chapter 2 maybe you can make the older sis want to tell about them and then the mother, him and the lil sis would force fuck the older one or something
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to My Sister's Video or
More submissions by Skitround.