...then you ought to be deported, though not to the US! You obviously had no proof-reader. You had a fairly good idea but you killed it. If you had the p.r, they would have pointed out the obvious lapses in grammar, which are many! You had a good idea but you totally destroyed it. Believe me, you NEED a proof-reader before you submit things to be published!
I gave you a 50 because of the theme and your desire to make it a thrilling time. Unfortunately, you left yourself very short with editing for missing words, correct word usage (i.e., to, too, two), grammar, spelling, and others. Another point you might want to think about is your extensive usage of "I" sentences; I did this or I did that gets very repetitive very quickly.
You have a good story so there exists much potential for you if you can deal with the other issues. Editing has the power to turn a so so story into a wonderful one or destroy a good one.
I rarely leave a comment, but this was a very good and exciting story. I encountered some dificulty reading this, but overaal this was great. I will give you 100 for a great story.
Terrific story manipulation. I loved it. I was with you throughout. I could feel every passionate moment of this great story. Do more.
Your writing has a lot of emotion to go along with the sex. That is the diference between smut and erotica. Keep up the good work.
well written, great voice, hot
Don't listen to the loser who had complained about your grammar. Obviously that person also needs a proof reader considering the the misspellings in his/her comments. Bravo! Well written!
How did she shave her asshole? Come to think of it, why was her asshole in need of shaving? I have never met a female asshole that was hairy.
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