so you said you were going to correct the age. Does that mean that
"He is eight years older than me." should read "He is eight minutes" older than me.
If so how could a young person be going grey at the temples.
by
Anonymous01/09/16
Rushed and over-use of expletives
The lapses in logic and continuity made this a distracting and slightly annoying read, things like how they're twins but he's eight years older than her, how she meets up with him on her first trip home from college and his hair's going gray, so they're, what, 19? And going gray already? Poor guy, not unheard of, but a silly detail that does nothing except imply he's a lot older than her, but yet you say they're college-age twins...
Continuity makes a story, and rushing it makes for jarring detail that throws the reader out of the story. I don't understand your apparent need to rush to post this snippet, there's no prize for the earliest or fastest story posted, and it shows regard for your prospective readership if you give them enough to read; this story is nothing but a preface/information dump, there's no actual story per se, just an introduction that ends abruptly. A word to the wise; Lit readers like to have enough of a story to keep them coming back for the next part, if it's a multi-part story; posting half-page snippets as chapters is not the way to gain and retain reader interest.
Three pages of text in Word, or 3,600 characters is approximately equal to 1 page here on Lit, but you haven't even provided that much; I count 1,247, which exceeds minimum word count, but not by a massive amount, and there's nothing there to make me want to read the next part; you need to either make a better effort to write a more involved and involving story, or warn the reader this is just the outline or introduction to a story you haven't actually written or completed yet.
If I gave you any stars, it would be one or two, as there's nothing here to justify three or better, but I'm not going to do that to you, you're still a newbie here and everyone has to start somewhere; meanwhile, I'm hoping you have something less rushed and a little more thoughtful and worthwhile waiting in the wings. I'll reserve my judgement until then.
I'll say it merits a 5, although I don't understand her cursing. Is it because of her high level of frustration for not being with him? That's what you seem to want us to conclude, but a little more detail to explain that would help.
I love the premise and look forward to the next chapter.
by
Anonymous01/09/16
Figuring it out?
I figured out the 8 years / 8 minutes business, but I too was confused by the graying hair. And of course this is just the stem of a story; I hope it doesn't take too long for you to continue it. But the biggest incongruity was how two twins as close as they were didn't attend the same university? So . . . I think you're off to a good start with an interesting premise, and I really hope you can develop it convincingly.
Fingermeister
by
Anonymous01/09/16
minor problems but still good.
The only major item was the age thing, but it isn't anything that can't be fixed. As for him being prematurely grey around the temples it can and does happen. I started getting grey when I was still in high school. So Annoyed Anonymous STFU and grow up jerk.
I'd like to talk a bit about the strong points and how they could be made stronger. I like how you describe her life long love for her brother and how you build up the increasing sexual tension on her part. That was really good.
However, I feel you didn't leave enough hints on the part of the brother that he returned the interest in her. It's OK for her to be surprised at the end of the story, but I think the reader needs a bigger pay off at the end and some teasing in the middle.
For instance, could he have said something at some point in the story that could have been interpreted in a couple of ways? Could she have caught him staring at her oddly, that maybe she dismissed as normal teen-aged boy lust for anything female?
The point I'm trying to make is the readers need to be able to say, "I thought so!", or "Well, that didn't end the way I thought!"
But all in all, a pretty good story!
by
Anonymous01/10/16
We slow start but became a good story .... many opportunities here. Its obvious they have the sexual stirrings bwteeen them for a long time and maybe its time they acted on it. They are so connected. Its time they go there and check it out. Cannot wait for the next chapter. Thanks.
Telling someone to 'STFU' because they don't lay down and go 'rah, rah, rah' over a story you happen to like is both childish and simple-minded; the poster gave honest criticism for a story, which is what this comment board is all about, and just because he doesn't happen to agree with your simple-minded acceptance of this mediocre effort is no reason for you to jump down his throat; from what I read, his comments are both valid and useful; critical, yes, but not offensive, and should give the author food for thought.
If you actually read what he says, he gives pointers for improvements and an insight into how real adults read and respond here on Lit, as well as refusing to down-vote the story, and giving a good reason why he didn't down-vote it, instead stating he's waiting to see what the author provides next in the way of continuing the story before he can validly vote.
As for you, if you can't comment in a reasoned and adult manner, or allow others the same freedom to express an opinion you take upon yourself, I suggest you cram your attitude up your ass, shut the fuck up, and go back to jerking-off in your mommy's basement.
English
More please
Love it so far keep going!
I'm lost
Her twin brother is suddenly 8 years older than her ??
....?
Twin and eight years old
Note from the author!
Age error is being fixed! My apologies!
I am also lost. Please clarify
so you said you were going to correct the age. Does that mean that
"He is eight years older than me." should read "He is eight minutes" older than me.
If so how could a young person be going grey at the temples.
Rushed and over-use of expletives
The lapses in logic and continuity made this a distracting and slightly annoying read, things like how they're twins but he's eight years older than her, how she meets up with him on her first trip home from college and his hair's going gray, so they're, what, 19? And going gray already? Poor guy, not unheard of, but a silly detail that does nothing except imply he's a lot older than her, but yet you say they're college-age twins...
Continuity makes a story, and rushing it makes for jarring detail that throws the reader out of the story. I don't understand your apparent need to rush to post this snippet, there's no prize for the earliest or fastest story posted, and it shows regard for your prospective readership if you give them enough to read; this story is nothing but a preface/information dump, there's no actual story per se, just an introduction that ends abruptly. A word to the wise; Lit readers like to have enough of a story to keep them coming back for the next part, if it's a multi-part story; posting half-page snippets as chapters is not the way to gain and retain reader interest.
Three pages of text in Word, or 3,600 characters is approximately equal to 1 page here on Lit, but you haven't even provided that much; I count 1,247, which exceeds minimum word count, but not by a massive amount, and there's nothing there to make me want to read the next part; you need to either make a better effort to write a more involved and involving story, or warn the reader this is just the outline or introduction to a story you haven't actually written or completed yet.
If I gave you any stars, it would be one or two, as there's nothing here to justify three or better, but I'm not going to do that to you, you're still a newbie here and everyone has to start somewhere; meanwhile, I'm hoping you have something less rushed and a little more thoughtful and worthwhile waiting in the wings. I'll reserve my judgement until then.
how can they be twins when he is 8 years older
well dear annony I am going to give it a 5!
so eat shit asshole of Lit.
Nice start
I'll say it merits a 5, although I don't understand her cursing. Is it because of her high level of frustration for not being with him? That's what you seem to want us to conclude, but a little more detail to explain that would help.
I love the premise and look forward to the next chapter.
Figuring it out?
I figured out the 8 years / 8 minutes business, but I too was confused by the graying hair. And of course this is just the stem of a story; I hope it doesn't take too long for you to continue it. But the biggest incongruity was how two twins as close as they were didn't attend the same university? So . . . I think you're off to a good start with an interesting premise, and I really hope you can develop it convincingly.
Fingermeister
minor problems but still good.
The only major item was the age thing, but it isn't anything that can't be fixed. As for him being prematurely grey around the temples it can and does happen. I started getting grey when I was still in high school. So Annoyed Anonymous STFU and grow up jerk.
part 2??
I really like how this is going..more please lol
Wonderfull start!
I'd like to talk a bit about the strong points and how they could be made stronger. I like how you describe her life long love for her brother and how you build up the increasing sexual tension on her part. That was really good.
However, I feel you didn't leave enough hints on the part of the brother that he returned the interest in her. It's OK for her to be surprised at the end of the story, but I think the reader needs a bigger pay off at the end and some teasing in the middle.
For instance, could he have said something at some point in the story that could have been interpreted in a couple of ways? Could she have caught him staring at her oddly, that maybe she dismissed as normal teen-aged boy lust for anything female?
The point I'm trying to make is the readers need to be able to say, "I thought so!", or "Well, that didn't end the way I thought!"
But all in all, a pretty good story!
We slow start but became a good story .... many opportunities here. Its obvious they have the sexual stirrings bwteeen them for a long time and maybe its time they acted on it. They are so connected. Its time they go there and check it out. Cannot wait for the next chapter. Thanks.
@ minor problems but still good.
Telling someone to 'STFU' because they don't lay down and go 'rah, rah, rah' over a story you happen to like is both childish and simple-minded; the poster gave honest criticism for a story, which is what this comment board is all about, and just because he doesn't happen to agree with your simple-minded acceptance of this mediocre effort is no reason for you to jump down his throat; from what I read, his comments are both valid and useful; critical, yes, but not offensive, and should give the author food for thought.
If you actually read what he says, he gives pointers for improvements and an insight into how real adults read and respond here on Lit, as well as refusing to down-vote the story, and giving a good reason why he didn't down-vote it, instead stating he's waiting to see what the author provides next in the way of continuing the story before he can validly vote.
As for you, if you can't comment in a reasoned and adult manner, or allow others the same freedom to express an opinion you take upon yourself, I suggest you cram your attitude up your ass, shut the fuck up, and go back to jerking-off in your mommy's basement.
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