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Abbreviations...
Your story is a tender one, but you need to abbreviate correctly. Ex: you are isn't your but you're. Also, you switch from third person (you) to first (I) in the last paragraph. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose, as long as it doesn't confuse the reader. Did you do that for affect?
Boring, more like an essay.
Very Nice 5*s
Excellent writing now weave a story around this sensuous excitement...
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