Interesting concepts in Parts 1 and now 2. Please utilize some of the editorial expertise available from the several who've offered their services on this website. Your first paragraph in Pt. 2 was tough to get through. I almost quit reading at that point and I'm glad I kept at it; reviewing Pt. 1 first and then muscling through the missing pronouns, partial sentences, and sloppy grammar in this installment. Good luck with the next efforts.
by
Anonymous01/21/16
Great story!
Great story! Would love to see it be a little longer to allow expanding on the details as their relationship grows. Looking forward to reading the next chapter :-)
I will take a look at it. And run through it again.
I think I fell asleep in the first sentence. Mea culpa.
by
Anonymous01/21/16
First Person Present is a difficult tense to write convincingly in
And you didn't convince me, sorry. Add in the odd grammar and lack of proofreading, and it added-up to an experience I'm raring to repeat. 2 stars, sorry.
I know family values vary but second cousins can legally marry virtually anywhere in the western world. While some relatives could be upset an open relationship would cause ripples not storms. Many would be happy that two old friends from broken relationships had found each other and got on with their lives. There is no explanation for the cause of them working so hard to hide their relationship. The story does have potential. Readers need to be given enough information to understand why there is tension so they can follow the story to the end.
English
What, no editing?
Interesting concepts in Parts 1 and now 2. Please utilize some of the editorial expertise available from the several who've offered their services on this website. Your first paragraph in Pt. 2 was tough to get through. I almost quit reading at that point and I'm glad I kept at it; reviewing Pt. 1 first and then muscling through the missing pronouns, partial sentences, and sloppy grammar in this installment. Good luck with the next efforts.
Great story!
Great story! Would love to see it be a little longer to allow expanding on the details as their relationship grows. Looking forward to reading the next chapter :-)
Fair enough
I will take a look at it. And run through it again.
I think I fell asleep in the first sentence. Mea culpa.
First Person Present is a difficult tense to write convincingly in
And you didn't convince me, sorry. Add in the odd grammar and lack of proofreading, and it added-up to an experience I'm raring to repeat. 2 stars, sorry.
Cousins?
I know family values vary but second cousins can legally marry virtually anywhere in the western world. While some relatives could be upset an open relationship would cause ripples not storms. Many would be happy that two old friends from broken relationships had found each other and got on with their lives. There is no explanation for the cause of them working so hard to hide their relationship. The story does have potential. Readers need to be given enough information to understand why there is tension so they can follow the story to the end.
Yawn......
almost too tired to write a comment
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