Two awesome stories by the two young stars in the same day! You and blackrandl1958 are just what this place needs around here. Nice story, just wish it was longer.
The narcissism and self-delusion just oozed from each and every sentence. Usually It always want the bad people in story to have at least a brief turn in spotlight, but that was superfluous in this instance. I'm very tough on giving flash stories full marks but this was too much fun.
I realize this is just a bit of fun, and it is well written and fun to read, but as with Stangstar's creations, it does not really convince. While I love nothing more than to rejoice as cosmic justice is visited on the head of a cheating bitch, her existence and behaviour as a person have to be vaguely credible in order for me to derive the necessary vengeful satisfaction. In this case, the cartoon-like "sum of all imperfections" character of the errant wife and god-like perfection of the wronged husband leave the story with a 2 dimensional flatness. Too much suspension of disbelief is required to accept that a wife would dump her children and leave a wonderful husband and superior lover, becoming a thief and a wanted felon in the process, in order to be with a lesser man. And if even if she did want to, why not just get divorced, thereby winding up with at least half the marital wedge and retaining her children and peace of mind?
by
Anonymous01/23/16
well written story
some women are just to stupid for words,and Dave Allen was a genious ---five stars
I agreee fully with your assessment of the 1 dimensional nature of StangStar's characters. And by extension, Kate's character in this story. It works here because the story is so short.
by
Anonymous01/23/16
I agree with last anons comment.
Surprise, surprise, they're are two decent stories posted in loving wives the same day. We better read them quick, unless they're just an illusion and disappear from this category before the end of the day. Just a little sarcasm folks.Sorry.
Good job author. Nothing like a little fantasy to start ones day off right. Thanks.
Truly a nice story. I normally don't read this many stories in this section at one time, but for some reason I have read about 5. Who cares? Its Saturday. I have nothing to do today except wash clothes. LOL.
Seen this kind of tale before and I have to say, it leaves me a bit cold.
Not that the situation was not well described, or that the English was particularly bad.
But what is there to put me on the edge of my seat? The letter puts me there...but then you immediately push that chair securely under my buttocks in the next few lines. There is no struggle, so there is little emotion except 'boy I hate that bitch'. Certainly the husband seems pretty cold about the whole thing.
She's a thief, he's a thief. They are both cheaters (one only emotionally). Yes, he 'burned da bitch' but I would like to see the blood on the floor.
Which is me demanding too much from a story. Excuse me. I put the same investment into the story as you did writing it: not a lot.
And Vandemonium just created four more. Not nice people, but interesting.
L
by
Anonymous01/23/16
Not bad, but not up to your usual standards.
I think the ratings were as high as they were because the burn the cheaters crowd obviously loved it. Didn't love it, but I thought it deserved at least the three that I gave it because it was well written grammatically.
Boring and not at all a story. No tension, no character work, nothing remotely erotic (this is still aporn site), no humor, nothing but stuff, forced exposition and an utterly predictable 'punchline'
by
Anonymous01/23/16
Mr. Rogers, it's a great day in the LW neighborhood !
This is a great day for True LW fans ! Van 1 and Randi '58 ! Think I better pinch myself , no the stories are still there !
I feel as though we may be on the precipice of a New Golden age ! This Author plus Blackrandl1958 and a couple more of the newer authors who have been posting lately are securing a bright future for those of us who love this genre.
I saw where Oshaw and HDK both commented on stories today, it would be wonderful to get those two great LW writers to start posting regularly again ! FD45 , and The Unoriginalist need to post again also ! Please !
The author said he got inspiration from Rogue9 815' s story , but to me it had more of a combo Britease / Pappatoad feel to it ! Both of these are masters of the Flash story in my opinion.
And even the little slimeball Foreskincaster can't ruin this day ! Bahahahah !
Cpprcrk 5*'s
It was quick, but even so, there was something of a back story there.
Wife cheated 5 years ago, but she was too stupid to realise that her husband was still suspicious of her and monitoring her all that time later.
by
Anonymous01/23/16
Sorry - I vote for the "serious multiple personality disorder".
This was standard BTB material. In this case, both the wife and the husband got burned so I guess burn the bitch/bastard applies. One small point. Since they have NOT signed the petitions for divorces that means they haven't filed said petitions with the Courts. Which means they will have a waiting period for the divorces to become final before they can get legally married. During that time period if their soon-to-be ex-spouses were to hire attorneys and those attorneys were to petition the Court for modifications to the divorces, they might find themselves in some trouble. Just saying.
Not bad for a fictional story written by a person with some disorders. CHEERS!
by
Anonymous01/23/16
Not great, not bad. Thanks for your efforts.
Flash stories are some of the most difficult to make pithy and rich. Liked the plot, but would have enjoyed more pathos and real time action, rather than a report of who did what when and what happened next. Opportunity missed having the cheating wife describe her feelings left standing on the side of the road, and the cheating husband looking up from the ground, watching his car burn. Hopefully they set it up so both cheaters think the money and jewels were left inside the burning car.
by
Anonymous01/23/16
kind of stupid
Both cheaters liquidated 5M in assets and simply handed it to someone they never knew or met? Might want to read a few kw stories in the same vein and you wont miss obv things like that.
And yeah, i am perfectly aware that the btb zealots willapplaud you no matter what and justify it for you. Im a btb fanas well, and hope to see improvement in good stoty writing, not an appeal to the lowest common denominator of raac and btb readers, who are generaaly some of the worst youll find.
What you had here was the 'core' of a good story. There's no character development, no real plot, and the key with all good unfaithful wives stories is the unsuspecting husband's discovery followed by his immediate and then long term responses. You missed that.
Sure it was an OK flash, but you lost the chance to make something important happen. For crying out loud I've got fifty of these little items lying around waiting to be turned into something people can really bitch about.
I gave you a five, but only as an incentive to want to try harder next time.
How dare anyone say I should write an actual sorry? I get all the accolades and anon praise I need writing single page outlines with wooden, forced dialogue and stale punchlines so long as a woman has something bad, and preferably violent, happen to her.
Because that's literally all the toxic, disgusting audience I wanted to pander to judges a story by.
by
Anonymous01/25/16
2*s
A simple excersize in plotting. Vandemonium1 you wanted to show off a double cross , where the betrayed did the cheaters in. Great, congratulations.
Unfortunately, you failed as a storyteller.
No character development. No empathy for anyone in this excersize. You told us about what happened and who did what to who. But it wasn't a story. We didn't experience anything.
You gave us a monologue with two characters mouthing your words. Gave you 2*s.
One more point, did this occur in Australia? If so what border are you talking about?? And what about her disingenuous accent? Shouldn't it have been Indonesian or Papau?
I truly enjoyed reading your other stories. Maybe you should stick to the longer form. This had a unfinished feel to it.
Thanks for the effort.
I like your stories. The others are much better than this one. This one was too short and because of that, there was not enough depth, either to the characters nor to the story.
yes they were discovered and the dastardly deed was undone
As I read the story I thought of the joint act by the pair doing the betraying as a single act of betrayal done together.
I kept expecting a 2nd betrayal from one of the pair who had been abandoned.
Leaving it open ended there is still room for Lisa (only because she declined the opportunity to consummate) to slip away during the remaining 5 hours using the car containing all the money and jewelry while he sleeps a slightly enhanced sleep mode (ambien?). She would have enough cash to live out her days on any beach in the world, he would own 100% of his company and be able to live equally well.
Are an artform in and of themselves. The story is much more important than the characters. Some anons ramble on about depth of character, development and completion. Not important. A flash story has
500 to 1000 words.
Late in... characters and storyline already developed.
A minimum of characters. 2,3 or 4 usually
1 setting
Lots of dialogue
Early out with a twist at the end... it'all about the end, it should leve a little to the reader to complete.
So, given these criteria, re read and reassess.
Given the development and 2 dimensional comments from some readers I suspect they don't know what they're talking about.
Norm
by
Anonymous02/28/16
Excellent flash story
I love it when the cheaters find themselves unknowingly cheated in return. To those of you who think that one of them will screw the other over; You've been reading too many of these stories and are too far absorbed into them. Have a little faith. Not everyone is out there to screw everyone over. There are many faithful partners. Try some of the romance stories for a change.
PeteCedar
"To those that have been taking my stories seriously. STOP IT! Some commenters are confusing me, the author, with Dave the character and interchanging us in your comments." - Addressing your statements in reverse order, I can't speak for any other readers, but certainly have NO trouble separating you from Dave or any other character! As fart as taking your stories seriously, GOOD writers (and I DO count you as one!) create characters and situations that we care about and believe in - please accept our taking your stories seriously as the compliment that I, at least, intend them to be.
Always assume your readers are as literate and sophisticated as you are -- enough are, and the challenge, the sense of shared intelligence and discourse, may well project your storytelling into something sometimes called literature. The assholes who preoccupy your introductory comments we have always with us -- I was recently reminded that for the average person's IQ to be merely 100, half the population -- including many Literotica readers -- have to have less still!
English
Yes!
Two awesome stories by the two young stars in the same day! You and blackrandl1958 are just what this place needs around here. Nice story, just wish it was longer.
Fun Story****
What goes around comes around. Thanks for sharing.
Amusing
Quick and fun.
Truely Breathtaking ' Dear John' Letter
The narcissism and self-delusion just oozed from each and every sentence. Usually It always want the bad people in story to have at least a brief turn in spotlight, but that was superfluous in this instance. I'm very tough on giving flash stories full marks but this was too much fun.
Full marks. * * * * *
A LOT WAS MISSING
and its who got what and who gets what and what happens if the semi-winners decide on a triple cross, TK U MLJ LV NV
Nice
This shows how stupid cheaters can be. To hell with them.
Five Stars
Loved It!
One of the better Drive-By stories on the site.
I realize this is just a bit of fun, and it is well written and fun to read, but as with Stangstar's creations, it does not really convince. While I love nothing more than to rejoice as cosmic justice is visited on the head of a cheating bitch, her existence and behaviour as a person have to be vaguely credible in order for me to derive the necessary vengeful satisfaction. In this case, the cartoon-like "sum of all imperfections" character of the errant wife and god-like perfection of the wronged husband leave the story with a 2 dimensional flatness. Too much suspension of disbelief is required to accept that a wife would dump her children and leave a wonderful husband and superior lover, becoming a thief and a wanted felon in the process, in order to be with a lesser man. And if even if she did want to, why not just get divorced, thereby winding up with at least half the marital wedge and retaining her children and peace of mind?
well written story
some women are just to stupid for words,and Dave Allen was a genious ---five stars
5 *
thanks, i needed that.nice to start your day with a laugh.fuck i hate snow.
It did what it was supposed to do....
You achieved your goals. So...
Well Done! and......
Thanks!
Nicely done.
I have read Already Gone. I think your story is a better read.
@sinothetimes
I agreee fully with your assessment of the 1 dimensional nature of StangStar's characters. And by extension, Kate's character in this story. It works here because the story is so short.
I agree with last anons comment.
Surprise, surprise, they're are two decent stories posted in loving wives the same day. We better read them quick, unless they're just an illusion and disappear from this category before the end of the day. Just a little sarcasm folks.Sorry.
Good job author. Nothing like a little fantasy to start ones day off right. Thanks.
wow
I want to be able to write that well someday.
Excellent work.
I liked it
Nice story, dumb joke.
Liked it but could have been a little longer
I would have sent a wedding invitation to his soon to be ex-wife.
****
Good write and read ... however... this was like the Epilogue chapter in a story.
Not bad for a short.
Story lacks paulsability. Just to far out. More science friction. Still a nice story.
Laughed all the way to the last period.
Truly a nice story. I normally don't read this many stories in this section at one time, but for some reason I have read about 5. Who cares? Its Saturday. I have nothing to do today except wash clothes. LOL.
5 stars for a great tale filled with humor.
Nice Flash Story.
You could have filled it out if you wished. How she was the intermediary would be a good story! Nicely done.
Great story 5 *
I'd give you an extra one for dave Allen if I could!
5 Stars
An story with a Dave Allen reference is worth 5 stars.
He wins 100%, She loses 100%
Seen this kind of tale before and I have to say, it leaves me a bit cold.
Not that the situation was not well described, or that the English was particularly bad.
But what is there to put me on the edge of my seat? The letter puts me there...but then you immediately push that chair securely under my buttocks in the next few lines. There is no struggle, so there is little emotion except 'boy I hate that bitch'. Certainly the husband seems pretty cold about the whole thing.
She's a thief, he's a thief. They are both cheaters (one only emotionally). Yes, he 'burned da bitch' but I would like to see the blood on the floor.
Which is me demanding too much from a story. Excuse me. I put the same investment into the story as you did writing it: not a lot.
The world is full of interesting people
And Vandemonium just created four more. Not nice people, but interesting.
L
Not bad, but not up to your usual standards.
I think the ratings were as high as they were because the burn the cheaters crowd obviously loved it. Didn't love it, but I thought it deserved at least the three that I gave it because it was well written grammatically.
As usual
Boring and not at all a story. No tension, no character work, nothing remotely erotic (this is still aporn site), no humor, nothing but stuff, forced exposition and an utterly predictable 'punchline'
Mr. Rogers, it's a great day in the LW neighborhood !
This is a great day for True LW fans ! Van 1 and Randi '58 ! Think I better pinch myself , no the stories are still there !
I feel as though we may be on the precipice of a New Golden age ! This Author plus Blackrandl1958 and a couple more of the newer authors who have been posting lately are securing a bright future for those of us who love this genre.
I saw where Oshaw and HDK both commented on stories today, it would be wonderful to get those two great LW writers to start posting regularly again ! FD45 , and The Unoriginalist need to post again also ! Please !
The author said he got inspiration from Rogue9 815' s story , but to me it had more of a combo Britease / Pappatoad feel to it ! Both of these are masters of the Flash story in my opinion.
And even the little slimeball Foreskincaster can't ruin this day ! Bahahahah !
Cpprcrk 5*'s
Another 5* story
It was quick, but even so, there was something of a back story there.
Wife cheated 5 years ago, but she was too stupid to realise that her husband was still suspicious of her and monitoring her all that time later.
Sorry - I vote for the "serious multiple personality disorder".
This was standard BTB material. In this case, both the wife and the husband got burned so I guess burn the bitch/bastard applies. One small point. Since they have NOT signed the petitions for divorces that means they haven't filed said petitions with the Courts. Which means they will have a waiting period for the divorces to become final before they can get legally married. During that time period if their soon-to-be ex-spouses were to hire attorneys and those attorneys were to petition the Court for modifications to the divorces, they might find themselves in some trouble. Just saying.
Not bad for a fictional story written by a person with some disorders. CHEERS!
Not great, not bad. Thanks for your efforts.
Flash stories are some of the most difficult to make pithy and rich. Liked the plot, but would have enjoyed more pathos and real time action, rather than a report of who did what when and what happened next. Opportunity missed having the cheating wife describe her feelings left standing on the side of the road, and the cheating husband looking up from the ground, watching his car burn. Hopefully they set it up so both cheaters think the money and jewels were left inside the burning car.
kind of stupid
Both cheaters liquidated 5M in assets and simply handed it to someone they never knew or met? Might want to read a few kw stories in the same vein and you wont miss obv things like that.
And yeah, i am perfectly aware that the btb zealots willapplaud you no matter what and justify it for you. Im a btb fanas well, and hope to see improvement in good stoty writing, not an appeal to the lowest common denominator of raac and btb readers, who are generaaly some of the worst youll find.
I gave this story a five but...
What you had here was the 'core' of a good story. There's no character development, no real plot, and the key with all good unfaithful wives stories is the unsuspecting husband's discovery followed by his immediate and then long term responses. You missed that.
Sure it was an OK flash, but you lost the chance to make something important happen. For crying out loud I've got fifty of these little items lying around waiting to be turned into something people can really bitch about.
I gave you a five, but only as an incentive to want to try harder next time.
Liked the joke at the end.
Jedd Clampett
@ Carvohi
I respect you as fine writer, but
do we all have to write the same do we?
The author
Enjoyed it
Thanks for the offering.
Translation of the author's comment
How dare anyone say I should write an actual sorry? I get all the accolades and anon praise I need writing single page outlines with wooden, forced dialogue and stale punchlines so long as a woman has something bad, and preferably violent, happen to her.
Because that's literally all the toxic, disgusting audience I wanted to pander to judges a story by.
2*s
A simple excersize in plotting. Vandemonium1 you wanted to show off a double cross , where the betrayed did the cheaters in. Great, congratulations.
Unfortunately, you failed as a storyteller.
No character development. No empathy for anyone in this excersize. You told us about what happened and who did what to who. But it wasn't a story. We didn't experience anything.
You gave us a monologue with two characters mouthing your words. Gave you 2*s.
One more point, did this occur in Australia? If so what border are you talking about?? And what about her disingenuous accent? Shouldn't it have been Indonesian or Papau?
I truly enjoyed reading your other stories. Maybe you should stick to the longer form. This had a unfinished feel to it.
Thanks for the effort.
AMerryman
Dear annony you should know by now that the males
in his story remind him of you, so pathetic.. Gave this a 5
Not as Good
I like your stories. The others are much better than this one. This one was too short and because of that, there was not enough depth, either to the characters nor to the story.
Joke
I actually rated your stories four stars, the extra one was for the Dave Allen quote!
Anyway, well done, I liked your story a lot.
Rob
Always remember
Just because you're a bit mad, doesn't mean you can't make it all up. Good one, keep up the good words.
yes they were discovered and the dastardly deed was undone
As I read the story I thought of the joint act by the pair doing the betraying as a single act of betrayal done together.
I kept expecting a 2nd betrayal from one of the pair who had been abandoned.
Leaving it open ended there is still room for Lisa (only because she declined the opportunity to consummate) to slip away during the remaining 5 hours using the car containing all the money and jewelry while he sleeps a slightly enhanced sleep mode (ambien?). She would have enough cash to live out her days on any beach in the world, he would own 100% of his company and be able to live equally well.
Flash stories
Are an artform in and of themselves. The story is much more important than the characters. Some anons ramble on about depth of character, development and completion. Not important. A flash story has
500 to 1000 words.
Late in... characters and storyline already developed.
A minimum of characters. 2,3 or 4 usually
1 setting
Lots of dialogue
Early out with a twist at the end... it'all about the end, it should leve a little to the reader to complete.
So, given these criteria, re read and reassess.
Given the development and 2 dimensional comments from some readers I suspect they don't know what they're talking about.
Norm
Excellent flash story
I love it when the cheaters find themselves unknowingly cheated in return. To those of you who think that one of them will screw the other over; You've been reading too many of these stories and are too far absorbed into them. Have a little faith. Not everyone is out there to screw everyone over. There are many faithful partners. Try some of the romance stories for a change.
PeteCedar
*****
To Anonymous 2/28/16 - BTDTBTTS. Had it migrate from Romance to LW.
Great little flash!
Outstanding!
Cinco Estrellas Amigo!
Well up to standard.
Great flash story - great joke at the end - RIP the Great Dave, scourge of religious fanatics.
@Vandemonium1
"To those that have been taking my stories seriously. STOP IT! Some commenters are confusing me, the author, with Dave the character and interchanging us in your comments." - Addressing your statements in reverse order, I can't speak for any other readers, but certainly have NO trouble separating you from Dave or any other character! As fart as taking your stories seriously, GOOD writers (and I DO count you as one!) create characters and situations that we care about and believe in - please accept our taking your stories seriously as the compliment that I, at least, intend them to be.
Fun read.
It's best when stories don't go overboard. This one had plenty of nefarious details, but kept perspective.
SBrooks### is correct
Always assume your readers are as literate and sophisticated as you are -- enough are, and the challenge, the sense of shared intelligence and discourse, may well project your storytelling into something sometimes called literature. The assholes who preoccupy your introductory comments we have always with us -- I was recently reminded that for the average person's IQ to be merely 100, half the population -- including many Literotica readers -- have to have less still!
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