It's a promising story - looking forward to the next part - but you need to try the editors here (if you can find - I couldn't). You've got lots of weird punctuation and Capitalisation in strange Places.
Your story does have potential, but you are in desperate need of an editor. I counted 5 comma splices in the first paragraph alone (that is, you used a comma when you should have started an entirely new sentence). That is an INSANE number of errors to have in just the very first paragraph. You should look into finding an editor soon... there are plenty of people out there that would be more than willing to help you out.
I did take all of my story's off and attempt to find an editor without any joy, at least your comments have saved me time I won't bother to post anything else, I had thought my comments ahead of the story would stop people commenting on grammar which I know is not good however clearly not. So to save you from being offended by my horrific grammar the story will die here.
English
It's a promising story - looking forward to the next part - but you need to try the editors here (if you can find - I couldn't). You've got lots of weird punctuation and Capitalisation in strange Places.
PLEASE find an editor
Your story does have potential, but you are in desperate need of an editor. I counted 5 comma splices in the first paragraph alone (that is, you used a comma when you should have started an entirely new sentence). That is an INSANE number of errors to have in just the very first paragraph. You should look into finding an editor soon... there are plenty of people out there that would be more than willing to help you out.
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I did take all of my story's off and attempt to find an editor without any joy, at least your comments have saved me time I won't bother to post anything else, I had thought my comments ahead of the story would stop people commenting on grammar which I know is not good however clearly not. So to save you from being offended by my horrific grammar the story will die here.
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