Long Road

Unfinished.

Has potential but not a complete story just a buildup with no finish.

Confusing

and very fucking unfinished. No rating for now. If this is not chapter one of something longer you'll get 1 star.

in my opinion

there is a story here... A great start "I think".. that is if the writer has a follow up and explains some of the HOLES ... Until then a 1

5 for effort and content

and to offset the asshole of LIT's 1!!

very good start

There are some good and bad parts of this chapter.
The good.
1) I was caught up in the story.
2) I was intrigued by the main character.
3) I wanted to know more about his family.
The bad.
1) This is a tough category and the annony idiots are free with their comments. You have to have an amazingly tough skin or a masochistic need to be bashed.
2) I was confused about who the girlfriend was in the beginning and end. Give them names right away or reduce the complexity. The second girlfriend was in the service, but I imagine it was not the same as the girl he kissed at the party, but how do I know?
3) I was confused about brothers/uncles etc in the beginning because you jumped between generations so quickly. That can be cleaned up easily by giving the uncle/brother specific names (like with the girlfriends).
4) I dislike reading chapters as they come out, especially from new contributors because I do not know if they will follow through and finish the story in a timely fashion. It would have helped me if you prefaced the story with an indication that this was a chapter and you expect it to be x number of chapters coming out 1 x per day (or week/month/year).

The real tell to determine whether it is a good story and whether you have the talent to tell it is feedback from people that want to see what happens. I think that this has lots of potential. Keep it up.

Get an editor to go through the story if only to point out the areas that are unclear. No one can self edit perfectly. Editors are annoying because they: don't agree with you/don't pat you on the back enough/hurt your feelings/take too long to get things back. However, if you want to get better, you need someone's help. More than one editor is really valuable.

It's a good start...

It's a good start...And I hope to read the whole story soon...Let's see where this writer will lead us...3* for now

No clue

There was about a third of the information here needed for any of this to make sense. The characters were hackneyed cliches and didn't have names or any information to identify them. Really half assed effort.

2*s

Interesting but...
Breaking up a story into these 1 page chapters is a poor way to build suspense.
Not to mention getting the reader confused and pissed off! Gave you 2*s.
Now that I think about it, that's funny. HA,Ha,ha,ha......


AMerryman

sorry i hate short serials, and the scene here is bad, 2* for being there

no need to finish this

kind left hanging

this is the making of a good story i think but the way it's written i don't know if there will be more to it or is this the whole thing. I hope this isn't all of it as this sounds pretty interesting as to what is going on in his family and with her. keep it going

You Fucked Up Brother....

You started a good lead in and didn't finish or even leave a good cliff hanger.


Michaela Mc

Absolutely LOVED your opening line

And you have some good bits in here. But honest feedback: it reads a little disjunct so far, seems like the transitions are pretty abrupt.

I'm quite interested in where you go from here.

Why don't you start over, or just quit while you're behind.

I really tried to understand this story, but the vagueness, the disjointed scenes and obtuse recounting of who was whom, and who was doing what, and what is a mantle, and what is a sweeper, and why the fuck should a I care. You expect me to start referring to an urban dictionary or something to try to understand your euphemisms and indecipherable imagery?

I tried to understand the end, but it looked like a guy accused himself of cheating because he kissed another woman, so someone who I guess was his fiance' or wife or something heard that message on an answering machine so she went out and fucked someone? Let's just agree that I am the wrong audience for your . . . talent, style, or lack thereof? But for some reason I want to encourage you. It read like it could have been good, it just needs some work. A lot of work.

Maybe try again with something a little easier for us simple minded folk to embrace. Thank you for trying.

What Is This**

Sorry you need to finish this after you start it agsin. I know you understand what I am saying!!!

TOtally junct the disjunct

Its a bit junctive where its not its more discursive and both disjunct too. Live that way before i did. Aint right then wasnt right now.

Did you bother to proof read this?

It was a total trainwreck. I'm STILL not sure who did what to whom and why. 1 star.

Missing something

Perhaps the upload was messed up, but most of your story seems to be missing. Might want to check into that.

Nice Twist

But it needs a bit more meat in it to hold us..

The Ending is Abrupt

There should be more. She slept with someone. Ok. It could have been her cousin, another sibling or other family member. There just isn't enough there to inspire a conclusion. Only innuendo.
Wrap it up for us!

And then he left her and went and killed the asshole

That would be the only thing that could save this story.

Keep it up

There are some technical errors, but don't worry about it. You seem to have a good idea for a story. Keep with it and things will get easier as you have more experience. I look forward to reading more from you.

So far I don't like this story.

It's hard to understand what's going on and it's not at all erotic. I'm going to hold my vote until the next chapter is published.

@anon

Hey, moron, chapter 2 and 3 are out already. They are pretty much the same shit.

HEY anony you sick dumbass fuck

eat shit and die., I gave this a 5

1*

VOTE 1* FOR EVERY STORY RATED BY THAT TRANNY BITCH FOOL VASTIESMITH2 AKA BONNIETAYLOR2 AKA ANON!

anony What have you written?

Unclear

It is difficult to follow the story line for the first half of the chapter. Since you are using this story as foundation for future writing perhaps you could reedit the beginning.
anon jerry

Again, story needs an ending

Well written as far as it goes but without an ending it loses appeal.

:-)

Just a shade confusing in following the conversation and character changes.

A good although jerky start

1. Unless you graduated from prude U with honors, a girl stealing a kiss from you is not cheating. If your dick is still dry, you didn't cheat.
2. What moron would leave a message on someone's answering machine saying they cheated.
3. How about a back story on the brother relationship.

I like the main character, although he appears to be dumber than a box of rocks. I may read the next installment just to see whether he finds some smart pills.