First off... If you write chapter 2 of a story you might want to make sure you use the same character names as chapter one. Here you use Charles and Monique where in ch 1 they were Chuck (yes I know short for Charles) and MARIA. Pick names and stick with them. Second... Pick a perspective and stay with it. In this chapter you flip-flopped between Larry and Tammy's perspective without anything delineating the change. If you're going to change perspectives... make it clear that you are.
Third... If you change perspectives keep the same perspective between third person (They did x,y,z.) and first person (I sucked x,y,z).
Fourth...Add more description. "Show" dont "tell". You should perhaps consider a creative writing class at a local adult learning school.
But keep writing! Good luck!
by
Anonymous02/24/16
You should stick to "taking care" of youself
Leave the writing to people who can actually do it. Just disgusting.
You seemed to start off with the male perspective, then inexplicably bounce several times between the male and female (including clothing type being worn) perspective. You really need an editor to clean up what you are trying to write as it came off being very confusing.
I'm staying up to late. I always do this, start looking at Literotica late at night and now, as usual, I'm hooked. Love the story, made me very wet. Thank you for the boost.xoxoxoxoxox Annette
The only commendable thing here is the courage you've displayed when you posted this story. It suffers from writing issus too numerous to mention. Others have done that for me. Thanks for your effort, though, and please get some editing help! *
Was okay swinger play until the creampie ... no guy swinger or not wants to eat another guys cream ...... if he did, then you a bi, and then you are just in the LW category to piss off the straight guys.
He just want to see his wife to fuck another man...So why the need to tie him to a chair? As almost all comments said, this part was worst than part 1...Not so funny...2*
by
Anonymous02/25/16
Didnt you mean
"Here", SHE said as SHE pointed to HER pussy.
by
Anonymous02/26/16
The real challenge with this story is typing with one hand, . . .
while you jackoff with the other. Great visual, if you're a queer.
by
Anonymous02/27/16
This episode got sloppy. Missed cues, POV shifting without warning, lots of mistakes....
.....I guess you're right. You were so excited, you didn't go back and correct the mistakes.
For, it was also disappointing to see it turn into a cum suck and pantie trade. That he also got fucked by Melanie, was for her relief, not out of his desire for her.
A little less than I might have hoped for in that situation......but then I would never allow it in the first place.
Thank you for taking the risk.
English
Not against gays; but this is Loving Wives not Gay Male.
This was as gay 2 guys sucking off three guys.
Ummm. You need an editor sir.
First off... If you write chapter 2 of a story you might want to make sure you use the same character names as chapter one. Here you use Charles and Monique where in ch 1 they were Chuck (yes I know short for Charles) and MARIA. Pick names and stick with them. Second... Pick a perspective and stay with it. In this chapter you flip-flopped between Larry and Tammy's perspective without anything delineating the change. If you're going to change perspectives... make it clear that you are.
Third... If you change perspectives keep the same perspective between third person (They did x,y,z.) and first person (I sucked x,y,z).
Fourth...Add more description. "Show" dont "tell". You should perhaps consider a creative writing class at a local adult learning school.
But keep writing! Good luck!
You should stick to "taking care" of youself
Leave the writing to people who can actually do it. Just disgusting.
Editor please
You seemed to start off with the male perspective, then inexplicably bounce several times between the male and female (including clothing type being worn) perspective. You really need an editor to clean up what you are trying to write as it came off being very confusing.
Please fix this and resubmit it.
Very enjoyable
I'm staying up to late. I always do this, start looking at Literotica late at night and now, as usual, I'm hooked. Love the story, made me very wet. Thank you for the boost.xoxoxoxoxox Annette
Well, with the slurping of the cream pie
he officially turned in his man card. Now this will devolve into the cucky, homoerotic fantasy of the writer.
Part 1 was good Part 2 not so much
Honestly, Part 2 was a piece of shit.
Character name changes etc. You should delete Part 2 and either fix it or dump it in the deepest hole you can find.
Confused about who was talking/narrating.
Best to find a good editor when a story has been cut and pasted so much. Good luck next time. Grade for English, "D."
I sometimes wasn't sure who was speaking the dialog in this story,
but I am sure of one thing___you're gay.
Not very good…
The only commendable thing here is the courage you've displayed when you posted this story. It suffers from writing issus too numerous to mention. Others have done that for me. Thanks for your effort, though, and please get some editing help! *
3
Was okay swinger play until the creampie ... no guy swinger or not wants to eat another guys cream ...... if he did, then you a bi, and then you are just in the LW category to piss off the straight guys.
Why the need to tie him to a chair?
He just want to see his wife to fuck another man...So why the need to tie him to a chair? As almost all comments said, this part was worst than part 1...Not so funny...2*
Didnt you mean
"Here", SHE said as SHE pointed to HER pussy.
The real challenge with this story is typing with one hand, . . .
while you jackoff with the other. Great visual, if you're a queer.
This episode got sloppy. Missed cues, POV shifting without warning, lots of mistakes....
.....I guess you're right. You were so excited, you didn't go back and correct the mistakes.
For, it was also disappointing to see it turn into a cum suck and pantie trade. That he also got fucked by Melanie, was for her relief, not out of his desire for her.
A little less than I might have hoped for in that situation......but then I would never allow it in the first place.
Thank you for taking the risk.
REALLY
What happened to Chuck and Maria?
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