You were a little hasty setting up the couple, but I could accept that.
Loved details like sneaking a peek, her reaction to the early call.
I'd like to linger on those details a bit more. Describe her body more, not just the sexual parts (& don't say "genitalia"! Leonard Cohen once said it sounds too much like "chandelier". Just ain't sexy IMO).
He's not an evil person, so would he call her orgasm a score? Didn't feel in character. Maybe just something like "That's the first"? Just a suggestion.
Looking forward to more!
by
Anonymous03/12/16
Good story line
To short
Far to many sentences start with I did this or I did that
Who reads a story like this for grammar? I think it is fine. Thank you.
by
Anonymous03/14/16
You switched the narrator.
That threw me off a bit. If you plan to switch back and forth, make a page break indicator, perhaps. You could have made this story longer by switching back to her reaction to his affections.
English
Good But Very Short
Not bad as a start. A little rushed getting to the sex between them, but no typos and a decent change in POV. Keep going!
Guess
I'll have to give it at least 3 stars just so you will write another chapter, just hope it's longer.
Rushed, but good
You were a little hasty setting up the couple, but I could accept that.
Loved details like sneaking a peek, her reaction to the early call.
I'd like to linger on those details a bit more. Describe her body more, not just the sexual parts (& don't say "genitalia"! Leonard Cohen once said it sounds too much like "chandelier". Just ain't sexy IMO).
He's not an evil person, so would he call her orgasm a score? Didn't feel in character. Maybe just something like "That's the first"? Just a suggestion.
Looking forward to more!
Good story line
To short
Far to many sentences start with I did this or I did that
Grammar?
Who reads a story like this for grammar? I think it is fine. Thank you.
You switched the narrator.
That threw me off a bit. If you plan to switch back and forth, make a page break indicator, perhaps. You could have made this story longer by switching back to her reaction to his affections.
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