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Hmmmm Where do I sign up for that dream?
I think you did a great job. In the next entry I would use more details. Really make your reader feel what she is feeling. Keep up the good work.
I agree with Anon...
Great effort, but needs more detail. Make us believe we are there watching it happen.
Lacking something
I really enjoyed reading what you've written, but like the girl in the story, I feel this has only whetted my appetite. It seems strangely lacking, and has left me wanting more.
Also, proofread your work.
lacking imagination
and an editor, wow, can't believe i even read that to the end, just kept expecting... something
apparently she wasn't a virgin as she was "gaping" and first time anal..no preperation she must have a high tolerance for pain; why didn't the mother wake up with all the screaming?
unbelievable, even for fiction
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