Alice Grey: An Awakening

great attempt

Great attempt, perhaps a little longer to build up the tension might be useful, but who am I to judge?

pretty good

I though this was a pretty good first try, but it was a little short would love for this to have been a little longer

First Time

This was very good for the first time. As others said, a little longer next time and a slower build up. Keep them coming though.

Good.

It was nice but ended too quick. Looking forward to the next installment.

You need to get an objective proofreader, hopefully a good editor. For your first attemot this was decent, but the carelessness with spelling, grammar & phrasing made it a bit too difficult to read. If you want me to care about your story, be more caring & careful with your use of language & structure.

Why the hurry?

It is said that revenge is a dish best served cold. I believe that pussy is best eaten slowly so it can heat up gradually. I can appreciate that these two women are young and full of sexual energy and the kind of sex that involves tearing clothes off and rushing into battle like two Sumo wrestlers has a great appeal to many people but there is a lot to be said for a little more foreplay and seduction. Even if both parties have already tacitly agreed to engage with one another, it's still nice to take a little time to get to know your lover.

Since this is your first submission you need to be warned about the grammar Nazis. They just can't seem to get past a misspelled word or a dangling participle even when there are other, far more interesting things dangling in the story. You made a few small goofs and I would have preferred a first person point of view but it didn't detract from the well written and exciting descriptions of the sex. Nice job.

Sometimes all I want is hard fucking.

It pisses me off when men commenters whine about a lesbian sex story being too steamy or moving too fast. Fuck 'em! I'm a lesbian & have every right to fuck however the hell I want. Savoring pussy? Fuck that! Sometimes I just wanna rear back & fucy lover stupid, over & over again. Other times I might want to be slow & tender but I certainly don't need men commenters telling me how to experience my sexuality.

So, I congratulate you on this story. It was good. Sheer & pure fucking. No excuses. The commenters, all men, who complained that you went too fast? Don't listen to them. They don't know about lesbians, don't know about women. Oh, tbey think they do, but sometimes this crap about a pussy is meant to be savored just makes me puke at the arrogance & ignorance in that. Men presume way too much, when in truth, they know very little about what to do with a woman or a lesbian 'cept in their wishes & fantasies.

You did good. You did real good. You had two women taking what they wanted, how they wanted it. GOOD WORK!

Me & my pussy bothe enjoyed this first offering. I'm curious to see what you do next. You have insight & agood ear for what stirs a woman.

Yeah, a more thorough proofreading wouldve helped but compared to most of the junk that gets pisted hete, yours is like Shakespeare.

Damn...

What an Awakening! This was hardcore fucking, pure and simple and I loved it! Errors, what errors - the story was so intense sexually, that my mind made the corrections as I read. That Alice is one lucky (fictitious?) lady and I can't wait to read what you have in store for her and Robyn next. Good job NeonRevenge