Dancing in Eden Pt. 01

In Need of Editing

Hot story. I really liked it. That said, there were a lot of typos. I'd recommend taking another stab at editing it or asking someone else to, and resubmitying. There were several spots that became confusing due to the typos and grammar.

Feel free to delete this comment. Again, I did really like it. Just wanted to give you a heads up.

Part 2?

I certainly hope there is a sequel.

awesome

can't wait for chapter 2

Good Story

The story was very enjoyable but it badly needs an editor. Dropped words, typos, missing commas, syntax problems and so on. By all means continue writing about the brother and sister but find some help with a volunteer editor. RB

good

but hated the ending and a bit far fetched

A good start

I look forwRd to reading the second part of the story

true story from strip club I go to

This happened several years ago at the only nude strip club in the area. A dancer had told her family she was a bartender. She asked her brother to bring her take-out dinner. There was a pass-thru window at the entrance. He was supposed to give the box to the doorman who would give it to his sister. But another dancer hit the electric magnet button and let him in. His sister was supposed to be the next dancer on stage. Backstage, she saw her brother. She was dressed only in bra and panties. She found a pullover that came to just below her ass. When she came out in the pullover, her brother about died laughing.

I think the story was great and just kept getting hotter and hotter !! Hopefully, when they get home she will let him know it was her .... his HOT sister. Hopefully, he'll get a chance to show her how worked up he really got :) Thanks ... cannot wait for more.

Bad ending

Need to fix a lot of grammer, helps it flow better then. And the ending was too sudden

Part two...

Anabsolute must.

three

Holy crawl, your writing sucks. Grammar, spelling, structure. Really ruined a prospective story.

Abby/Abbey

Plus what everyone else has already noted.

Proof Read

Don't depend on your spell checker it made the difference between 3 and 5.

Thanks for the feedback

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I wrote it rather quickly and did not proof it well sorry about that. I resubmitted a proofed version, would not mind some one editing it for me.

Awaiting part 2

Great story When is part 2 coming out ?

great potential

There are only a few stories that have potential and this is definitely one of them, but if you want a good story like "threads: the island" give details and a longer plot that keeps the reader hooked on it. Do that and this could end up in the hall of fame.