Big Sister at the Cabin

Why?

There is nothing here to explain what lead-up and emotions have brought the distant sister suddenly to express a wont for sexual relation with her sibling. For her part this happens just out of the blue. ??

What the heck?

This reads to me as something written by a 14 year old who just smoked something funny or took a pill given to him by someone he didn't know or drank half a bottle of his father's whisky. It makes no sense and it ain't erotic!!!

Not very evocative

Reads too much like a porn story where the sex is everything and completely lacking in sensuality or build up of the characters for the readers to imagine themselves there. Keep working at it.

I Didnt Think It Was Bad

Title

Dominance and disrespect

What could have been a good story turned to crap as soon as his dominance and disrespect surfaced.

Uber-fail for writing in present tense.

Great Story!

Perfect, can't wait until I hear about him and the twin cousins.

Really good!

Despite all the horrible comments above I think this is really good for a first time erotica writer.

Has Potential

Should have stayed in present tense, and keep surprise information hidden almost completely until revealed. Also add the part about a lake earlier.

I like it

It was good can't wait to read more please keep going

Great

Can't wait for part 2

good but needs some more work

I did like your approach but as too often happens, once they got together, you rushed everything too much. Learn to take your time developing their relationship and the story will work much better.

Oh yeah, as if you'd leave us hanging - LOL !! I think you story was a little rushed but it was great of course Jake has wanted to screw his big sister Alice and now he has. I think Alice has had the hots for him for a long time as well. Now hopefully, you can set up the next chapter so they find themselves in a situation where they can have complete privacy and really make out and screw each other silly. I am sure Alice cums big time as Jake with his big cock can too. This might be a real turn on and a very hot contest between them. Thanks.

Oh Well,

It's done now. What if she is a virgin? What if she got pregnant? This story could go in several directions, keep going.

Good One!!

This story has several ways to go and it could interesting with the twins there. Need another story.

Has very little sex, you spent an okay amount of time devoloping a backstory and another okay amount of time devolping the scene, but when it comes to coup de gra its very lack luster and feels kinda rushed. Other than that I found it quite interesting and would love to see another one where the twins are involved.

Good Foundation - Needs some work

Story line is great, back story was developed enough, scene was done OK, could have used a little more set-up.
The twins need to be involved, the sister needs to be more often, and delve deep into the sex scenes. Make the characters feel, smell, taste, and explore. Take the time to get both of the points of view ( yeah it's hard to write from both POV, but it adds a lot).

I Hope This is Part 1!

As several have mentioned, the story could develop in several ways. Have fun writing it, but PLEASE write it!

Good story

I would very much like to see a part 2. Keep it up.

needs work but its good

I like the build up and you have solid foundations, but take your time with the sex scenes and the climax. Also it was very surprising to see Alice turn so submissive after she made the first move, this is a little contradictory imo.
Good work and with a some tweaks this could be great! I look forward to more from you.

Good so far

I hope there is more on the way !!!!!!

My opinion

Your idea is good. The back story is ok, but it needs a more natural tone. Feels a bit rushed.
Really all of this seemed rushed. Flesh it out more and make it seem more natural.
What you have now is a cross between a narration and a first person dialogue with a lot of gaps.
Also... try to use other things than moaning all the time. No one moans entire sentences...

And that's my critique. Take it how you will.

Decent start

I'm hoping Rachael and Riley also enjoy each other.....

Awesome but....

It's great story but I think it's a bit too rushed if u are making another story I suggest the cousins find out and Join in on the fun.

I didn't read much

Mixed verb tenses, contrived dialogue, rushed story . . . there wasn't much to hold my attention. This site will give you free access to an editor; take advantage of that and improve your technical skills.

Great but...

Like all the others; pace, more story, but overall I like the spying aspect of it. More chapters and pages per chapter would be great. Keep 'em coming.

5

to offset the ass wipe on LIT that always gives a 1 after insulting the writer.

5

to offset the ass wipe on LIT that always gives a 1 after insulting the writer.

Total rubbish

Written by a complete wanker.
But I still spoofed in my pants, so 5 stars.

hot enough for me to enjoy

I would love to read some more of the adventures at the cabin with big sister and the twins