The story sounded like it might be a good one but your way of telling the story just turned me off as other writers with this same approach . You constantly are saying YOU and I and YOU and I. It's very distracting to the story as a whole. Just let it flow and yes put in a few You and I's but not in every sentence.
Most of my stories are first person which suits me, but not all readers, so I sympathise. As a result, there are no alternatives to 'you' and 'I.' Maybe, I could throw in the occasional 'tu' and 'Je.'
Writing in the first person is OK but - it does require a higher level of skill to avoid confusion. In your story, particularly at the start, it is particularly confusing which of the two characters each part of the dialog belongs to. I was even confused at the start as to which was the first person as that seemed to switch. I am sure that there was a decent story there but it was just too hard reading trying to work out who was saying what to who. If you are going to continue with first person stories, you need help and advice from a good editor.
I have no problems with your writing in the first person. lovely to read a story where the daughter isn't made out to be a whore and where the father takes the lead. thank you.
by
Anonymous05/15/16
Needs work
Can't say you can wait to longer to fondle her sex. And the next sentence your hand is doing just that. What teenager or normal woman can instantly and comfortably take three fingers from the go? I wish I knows someone that could orgasim so quick with just a short nipple rub. What is an incestuous orgasim?
Thanks for your private message. Love what you wrote. x
Needless to say, this is not addressed to Anon, 'Needs Work,' whom I suggest, needs more experience.
by
Anonymous06/26/16
I like this
You did a good job, so what if there's a grammar error. I love the way he examines her, and handles her with love and care. I think it was an erotic but cute little story.
English
Sorry I couldn't finish your story
The story sounded like it might be a good one but your way of telling the story just turned me off as other writers with this same approach . You constantly are saying YOU and I and YOU and I. It's very distracting to the story as a whole. Just let it flow and yes put in a few You and I's but not in every sentence.
Hi Anon
Most of my stories are first person which suits me, but not all readers, so I sympathise. As a result, there are no alternatives to 'you' and 'I.' Maybe, I could throw in the occasional 'tu' and 'Je.'
Not well written - difficult to read
Writing in the first person is OK but - it does require a higher level of skill to avoid confusion. In your story, particularly at the start, it is particularly confusing which of the two characters each part of the dialog belongs to. I was even confused at the start as to which was the first person as that seemed to switch. I am sure that there was a decent story there but it was just too hard reading trying to work out who was saying what to who. If you are going to continue with first person stories, you need help and advice from a good editor.
oohh I love this one :)
:)
I have no problems with your writing in the first person. lovely to read a story where the daughter isn't made out to be a whore and where the father takes the lead. thank you.
Needs work
Can't say you can wait to longer to fondle her sex. And the next sentence your hand is doing just that. What teenager or normal woman can instantly and comfortably take three fingers from the go? I wish I knows someone that could orgasim so quick with just a short nipple rub. What is an incestuous orgasim?
To Anon
Thanks for your private message. Love what you wrote. x
Needless to say, this is not addressed to Anon, 'Needs Work,' whom I suggest, needs more experience.
I like this
You did a good job, so what if there's a grammar error. I love the way he examines her, and handles her with love and care. I think it was an erotic but cute little story.
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