The "caught in the act" scenario was good. But the story could benefit from a little more detail and/or build up. Try to add some body to the story, such as some more flirting between the two or them being in a situation alone for a brief moment and realizing their urges (say in a bathroom or something) to add to the anticipation that they both have that carnal desire. Otherwise, the story has much potential.
Got a feeling English might not be your first language and if it isn't you did a hell of a job with the writing craft. Now I don't want to discourage you--instead I'm trying to offer constructive criticism.
#1 You need to work on your story telling skills. Basically what you said was, 'Mom and I went to Grandma's while Daddy was off on a job. Me and Mom had never fooled around before nor had she ever given me any reason to think she was as hot for me as I was for her. While Grandma was in the kitchen fixing dessert, me and Mom fucked on the sofa. It was a wam-bam-thank-you-madam experience in which we almost got caught.
#A major factor of good fiction is it should be believable; at least if one suspends belief and accepts the fictional world we create. Can you honestly say anyone could believe the above. Maybe if you had shown Mom to be a complete slut on a long string of disappointing sexual experiences, but you didn't do that. Instead you had a perfectly normal wife take a chance of being caught while fucking her son at her mother in law's house. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN IN ANY WORLD AND IF BY CHANCE IT DID HAPPEN, NOBODY WILL BELIEVE IT.
Keep trying, I'll try to keep an eye opn for future work.
Since it was quickie it's OK. More adventures may be in next chapter.
by
Anonymous05/15/16
SORRY,BUT
THIS IS SO POORLY WRITTEN , IT SOUNDS AS IF A 15 YEAR OLD NON ENGLISH AS A FIRST LANGUAGE BOY WROTE IT. PLEASE CONTINUE TO READ FOR A FEW YEARS BEFORE WRITING AGAIN.
by
Anonymous05/15/16
Autorickshaw or car?
They came in a rickshaw but now he's going to screw his Mom in a car? Many more consistencies,very hard to read and comprehend,and yet 36 people liked it enough.Way too many people on this earth.
by
Anonymous05/15/16
I can't imagine what motivates the savagely negative commenters
This is basically a fine story of good old-fashioned motherfucking, like the rest of DD's contributions. With his hard young cock up between his mother's thighs up to his balls, the boy says, "I had my full length in her by now. This felt magical." Magical is exactly the right word. Nothing can ever feel as to a boy's penis as the warm wet hole he came out of, his own damn birth canal, his mommy's vagina. To him, that unique in all the world vagina means unconditional love, the start of his whole life-story, his first and best home--it means everything MOM! As his mother screams in pleasure, her son says, "I was afraid we'd get caught. I quickly pulled out of her. I came. I spurted my semen on her chest." The next time the kid blows his young balls he'll be spurting his semen up where it really belongs. Guess where.
The setting was unbelievable. Why going to her husbands' mother's house? Without her husband? Does not make sense. Then the apparent attempt at sex for the first time with her son, with the possibility of getting caught? The setting is not the most conducive. How did she know that her son would be susceptible? What if he was so surprised that he screamed and made a scene. The cost to her would have been tremendous.
Besides that it was much too short. Not enough build up, not enough sex.
Try again.
by
Anonymous05/15/16
Nice quick one
You are obviously Indian ? Well for a non .native speaker, this is very well written A nice quick horny story , well done Sir !
by
Anonymous05/15/16
re: anonymous- I can't imagine what motivates........
If you can't,you know very little about good erotic story telling. Nothing made sense of this tale. Not enough back ground to tell the reader why the mother was so receptive and would take the chances of getting caught with the mother in law just steps away. Come on, even in fiction it has to make sense. Nice try author, but no cigar. Sorry. Won't score it, until you get better at story telling.
by
Anonymous05/16/16
:)))
What a naive, children's shit.. :)))
by
Anonymous05/16/16
Rude Comments
it is so disappointing when someone who has taken the time to write a story is verbally abused on this forum. This was not a great story for reasons others have explained but the writer tried and will, if he keeps trying, get better. Those writing in with abuse must ask themselves a) could I do better and b) does verbal abuse serve any purpose other than perhaps the narrow gratification of the person submitting the abuse. Please stop it and offer constructive criticism
by
Anonymous05/22/16
A virgin.
This story had to of been written by a virgin that lives in his mother's basement. Word of advice get a job save some money get your own pad move out of your mother's basement. Then you start to have some parties get to know people mingle around with some women who are single then maybe sometime in the future you'll get laid.
English
Felt rushed
The "caught in the act" scenario was good. But the story could benefit from a little more detail and/or build up. Try to add some body to the story, such as some more flirting between the two or them being in a situation alone for a brief moment and realizing their urges (say in a bathroom or something) to add to the anticipation that they both have that carnal desire. Otherwise, the story has much potential.
Fucking Bullshit!
'Nuff said.
5
good read
1 star
Go the fuck away and learn to write
OK for a 3rd Story!
Got a feeling English might not be your first language and if it isn't you did a hell of a job with the writing craft. Now I don't want to discourage you--instead I'm trying to offer constructive criticism.
#1 You need to work on your story telling skills. Basically what you said was, 'Mom and I went to Grandma's while Daddy was off on a job. Me and Mom had never fooled around before nor had she ever given me any reason to think she was as hot for me as I was for her. While Grandma was in the kitchen fixing dessert, me and Mom fucked on the sofa. It was a wam-bam-thank-you-madam experience in which we almost got caught.
#A major factor of good fiction is it should be believable; at least if one suspends belief and accepts the fictional world we create. Can you honestly say anyone could believe the above. Maybe if you had shown Mom to be a complete slut on a long string of disappointing sexual experiences, but you didn't do that. Instead you had a perfectly normal wife take a chance of being caught while fucking her son at her mother in law's house. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN IN ANY WORLD AND IF BY CHANCE IT DID HAPPEN, NOBODY WILL BELIEVE IT.
Keep trying, I'll try to keep an eye opn for future work.
needed more
good premise overall, mom's body lotion and attire was a nice touch, but needed more description.
Seems Indian English, improve
Since it was quickie it's OK. More adventures may be in next chapter.
SORRY,BUT
THIS IS SO POORLY WRITTEN , IT SOUNDS AS IF A 15 YEAR OLD NON ENGLISH AS A FIRST LANGUAGE BOY WROTE IT. PLEASE CONTINUE TO READ FOR A FEW YEARS BEFORE WRITING AGAIN.
Autorickshaw or car?
They came in a rickshaw but now he's going to screw his Mom in a car? Many more consistencies,very hard to read and comprehend,and yet 36 people liked it enough.Way too many people on this earth.
I can't imagine what motivates the savagely negative commenters
This is basically a fine story of good old-fashioned motherfucking, like the rest of DD's contributions. With his hard young cock up between his mother's thighs up to his balls, the boy says, "I had my full length in her by now. This felt magical." Magical is exactly the right word. Nothing can ever feel as to a boy's penis as the warm wet hole he came out of, his own damn birth canal, his mommy's vagina. To him, that unique in all the world vagina means unconditional love, the start of his whole life-story, his first and best home--it means everything MOM! As his mother screams in pleasure, her son says, "I was afraid we'd get caught. I quickly pulled out of her. I came. I spurted my semen on her chest." The next time the kid blows his young balls he'll be spurting his semen up where it really belongs. Guess where.
Not enough.
The setting was unbelievable. Why going to her husbands' mother's house? Without her husband? Does not make sense. Then the apparent attempt at sex for the first time with her son, with the possibility of getting caught? The setting is not the most conducive. How did she know that her son would be susceptible? What if he was so surprised that he screamed and made a scene. The cost to her would have been tremendous.
Besides that it was much too short. Not enough build up, not enough sex.
Try again.
Nice quick one
You are obviously Indian ? Well for a non .native speaker, this is very well written A nice quick horny story , well done Sir !
re: anonymous- I can't imagine what motivates........
If you can't,you know very little about good erotic story telling. Nothing made sense of this tale. Not enough back ground to tell the reader why the mother was so receptive and would take the chances of getting caught with the mother in law just steps away. Come on, even in fiction it has to make sense. Nice try author, but no cigar. Sorry. Won't score it, until you get better at story telling.
:)))
What a naive, children's shit.. :)))
Rude Comments
it is so disappointing when someone who has taken the time to write a story is verbally abused on this forum. This was not a great story for reasons others have explained but the writer tried and will, if he keeps trying, get better. Those writing in with abuse must ask themselves a) could I do better and b) does verbal abuse serve any purpose other than perhaps the narrow gratification of the person submitting the abuse. Please stop it and offer constructive criticism
A virgin.
This story had to of been written by a virgin that lives in his mother's basement. Word of advice get a job save some money get your own pad move out of your mother's basement. Then you start to have some parties get to know people mingle around with some women who are single then maybe sometime in the future you'll get laid.
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