Thank you for your time and effort. You've given your readers two very unlikable characters and you've couched their activities within a writing framework that is marginally skilled, to say the least. Both of these factors will, undoubtedly, contribute to low ratings for your submission. Perhaps you could care less about reader scores. Nevertheless, if you plan to go forward with your writing, please consider getting a bit of assistance with editing and proofreading. You've opened a nice door for future chapters with the sister catching them, but you must improve your skills somewhat if you want your readers to ENJOY your work. **
Apparently you were absent that day in grade school when comma placement was taught. You scatter commas around with no rhyme or reason - like a tornado moving through a trailer park.
Do you really believe that the past tense of come (or the much maligned "cum") is "cummed"? (Even my autocorrect keeps trying to change it to "chummed".)
Please, obtain editorial aid before you post again.
Yes you need a little grammar and spelling. But you don't overdo the descriptions of the people as so many of these stories do. You have a good mix of dialog and action. The story is the thing. You start at the beginning and logically and realistically go through to the end. Very good. As you write more your stories will likely get longer. Please keep at it.
"Especially now, being 5 months pregnant, and still breastfeeding my daughter, they are swelling and can almost match my sister's."
So this girl just turned 18, breastfeeding a daughter and is 5 months pregnant???
So what does that have to do with the story of her and Nathan?
Just a poorly written and not well thought through story.
by
Anonymous05/21/16
breastfeeding & birth control, pregnancy & breast size
"Especially now, being 5 months pregnant, and still breastfeeding my daughter, .."
Some simple biology:
(1.) Unless the other twin is also pregnant, she will likely have larger breasts (than her normally larger-breasted twin).
(2.) If she is 'still breastfeeding' her daughter, then she is unlikely to have got pregnant. Breastfeeding is a natural form of birth control. But, she could have milk from late pregnancy (8+ months) instead ..
English
more
your next story you should include Sara in a threesome and then get you both pregnant after you have this baby
Written by a third grader..................me and him
A beginning…
Thank you for your time and effort. You've given your readers two very unlikable characters and you've couched their activities within a writing framework that is marginally skilled, to say the least. Both of these factors will, undoubtedly, contribute to low ratings for your submission. Perhaps you could care less about reader scores. Nevertheless, if you plan to go forward with your writing, please consider getting a bit of assistance with editing and proofreading. You've opened a nice door for future chapters with the sister catching them, but you must improve your skills somewhat if you want your readers to ENJOY your work. **
This is VERY poorly written
Apparently you were absent that day in grade school when comma placement was taught. You scatter commas around with no rhyme or reason - like a tornado moving through a trailer park.
Do you really believe that the past tense of come (or the much maligned "cum") is "cummed"? (Even my autocorrect keeps trying to change it to "chummed".)
Please, obtain editorial aid before you post again.
Not so poor.
Yes you need a little grammar and spelling. But you don't overdo the descriptions of the people as so many of these stories do. You have a good mix of dialog and action. The story is the thing. You start at the beginning and logically and realistically go through to the end. Very good. As you write more your stories will likely get longer. Please keep at it.
Not so good
"Especially now, being 5 months pregnant, and still breastfeeding my daughter, they are swelling and can almost match my sister's."
So this girl just turned 18, breastfeeding a daughter and is 5 months pregnant???
So what does that have to do with the story of her and Nathan?
Just a poorly written and not well thought through story.
breastfeeding & birth control, pregnancy & breast size
"Especially now, being 5 months pregnant, and still breastfeeding my daughter, .."
Some simple biology:
(1.) Unless the other twin is also pregnant, she will likely have larger breasts (than her normally larger-breasted twin).
(2.) If she is 'still breastfeeding' her daughter, then she is unlikely to have got pregnant. Breastfeeding is a natural form of birth control. But, she could have milk from late pregnancy (8+ months) instead ..
not a good beginning
when even the title is grammatically incorrect.
downhill from there
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