Maudlin for my individual taste albeit well constructed
This mentioned death, but never, never got gritty. Anything on that level was told in distant rear view mirror as narrator starts anew . It's just not written for my sensibilities or demographic.
I think the loving wife category is the right place for this story.......a woman who loses her husband but continues to respect his memory even as she moves on with life. A woman who raises her son by herself, meets someone new after the death of her husband and blends two fractured families together........it's a story that is all too common and uncommon at the same time. Thank you.
I liked it...The theme isn't new, but the approach was different...She didn't need his things to remember him...Each time she looked to her son, he was there! This was short and to the point...3*
Only someone who lives true it knows how hard it is,finding someone else to love is a blessing not given to all,there is grieve,deep profound grieve,if it's a war casualty the nation give you a burrial and a flag but in the end you are allone trying to survive
Great writing that really connects well. Subject matter makes it painful, but that is not a critique of your writing.
by
Anonymous05/21/16
This was a nostalgic, bitter-sweet look into the hearts of two people suffering loss...
...but it was a bit confusing in spots and it seemed to me, that much of the narration was either arm's length or redundant.
Um..."arousion".....might be better and more correctly expressed as "arousal".
It wasn't as personally engaging as I would have thought for the tone of it, but deep seated pain often manifests that way in writing.
It was a good start at telling a much larger story. If you carry on or move on to other offerings, please consider not being quite so "artsy" and more.....plain-spoken and direct. You want us to connect with the characters....simple and direct are better.
Thank you.
The sense of loss, the attempt at coping -- these brought back a lot of painful memories. Five stars. Thank you. Like we said back in the day -- ya done good. SF VET
by
Anonymous05/22/16
If a dead lover could yearn, it would be for his lover to love again, or even better.
Well done, and deeper than some can plumb. Thank you.
I gave it 4 stars for a lovely story, but I don't think it belongs here.
Yes, she's a "loving" wife, but not as it is used here.
To be a Loving Wife she would have had to have cheated on him while he was serving, maybe even sent him a "Dear John" letter, and is now living with the guilt, particularly if he got killed after receiving the letter.
Thank you all for comments, especially Anonymous for the constructive criticism, I'll try to be more simple and direct but it's my nature to speak and write like this. My plan was for her to look back, but when her mind opened the reader was supposed to be swept back to the past with her and experience her teenage/first love exhilarating joy and then the rawness of her grief in the following two memories. I did not intend it to be viewed at a distance until the character comes back to the present. It seems the roller coaster did work for most people - those who have experienced her loss. For that I'm glad, it was my intention to feel emotions vividly in this story. This was my nod to men in uniform all over the world, and more importantly, it was my nod to the wives, girlfriends, lovers who wait for them to come back. Finally, it was my nod to those who never returned, too many people don't come back from war. Thanks again, to all.
I really liked this short tale of recovery and love. This really should have been in the Romance section, so hopefully the normal LW crowd isn't too tough on the voting. As for the detail, it was woven into a very nice web, and almost poetic at times. I would say that the loving and sex at the very end seemed a bit clinical and forced, instead of the intended effect of them truly uniting to become one love. I still got the intention, and felt the two characters love for each other, but the wording could have been a little less "health class" during that scene.
Evocative, beautifully written, makes me think of all those young men that will never lead a full life-they gave their's for us to have a safe, secure life. What a sacrifice we call upon them to do - and they do it willlingly. God Bless our Service men and women.
There is nothing so incomprehensible as true loss, when a partner dies there is no way to truly deal with that loss and heal - without the intervention of another soul.
You have conveyed that loss so well, that you must have suffered that kind of loss (or something very close). Thank you for sharing some true feelings.
Pain is simple Love is... complicated, unconditional is forever. Infatuation is temporary if that long. Death is forever but Love lasts longer. Go figure
English
Jagger?
Quite a name there. Well, it isn't good. Better than Javmore, I guess. That gets you three stars.
Thanks For Sharing***
Wrong Category maybe S/B Non erotic??
Maudlin for my individual taste albeit well constructed
This mentioned death, but never, never got gritty. Anything on that level was told in distant rear view mirror as narrator starts anew . It's just not written for my sensibilities or demographic.
Liked this
I think the loving wife category is the right place for this story.......a woman who loses her husband but continues to respect his memory even as she moves on with life. A woman who raises her son by herself, meets someone new after the death of her husband and blends two fractured families together........it's a story that is all too common and uncommon at the same time. Thank you.
I liked it...
I liked it...The theme isn't new, but the approach was different...She didn't need his things to remember him...Each time she looked to her son, he was there! This was short and to the point...3*
Losing a husband or wife
Only someone who lives true it knows how hard it is,finding someone else to love is a blessing not given to all,there is grieve,deep profound grieve,if it's a war casualty the nation give you a burrial and a flag but in the end you are allone trying to survive
Very Loving!
Wish I could give it a ten!
Beautiful
Beautifully written, full of emotion and love. Remembering her first love, her new love and the continuing love of her son.
"we lost control trying to push more than our organs together" was a brilliant fulfillment of their love making.
I am going to sign up with my second email address so I can give another *****.
Painfully well done
Great writing that really connects well. Subject matter makes it painful, but that is not a critique of your writing.
This was a nostalgic, bitter-sweet look into the hearts of two people suffering loss...
...but it was a bit confusing in spots and it seemed to me, that much of the narration was either arm's length or redundant.
Um..."arousion".....might be better and more correctly expressed as "arousal".
It wasn't as personally engaging as I would have thought for the tone of it, but deep seated pain often manifests that way in writing.
It was a good start at telling a much larger story. If you carry on or move on to other offerings, please consider not being quite so "artsy" and more.....plain-spoken and direct. You want us to connect with the characters....simple and direct are better.
Thank you.
WOW!
WOW! Had me riveted...and the words were very blurry through my tears. 5*. WOW!
Double Wow!!
Painful, but oh so beautiful. Ten stars if possible. What an amazing surprise on an erotica story site.
Damn
Heartbreaking tale.
Tough, tough story
The sense of loss, the attempt at coping -- these brought back a lot of painful memories. Five stars. Thank you. Like we said back in the day -- ya done good. SF VET
If a dead lover could yearn, it would be for his lover to love again, or even better.
Well done, and deeper than some can plumb. Thank you.
I'm Torn
I gave it 4 stars for a lovely story, but I don't think it belongs here.
Yes, she's a "loving" wife, but not as it is used here.
To be a Loving Wife she would have had to have cheated on him while he was serving, maybe even sent him a "Dear John" letter, and is now living with the guilt, particularly if he got killed after receiving the letter.
The Message
I would have thought the message was that we should not send people off to die in our name without a very, very good reason.
Thank You All
Thank you all for comments, especially Anonymous for the constructive criticism, I'll try to be more simple and direct but it's my nature to speak and write like this. My plan was for her to look back, but when her mind opened the reader was supposed to be swept back to the past with her and experience her teenage/first love exhilarating joy and then the rawness of her grief in the following two memories. I did not intend it to be viewed at a distance until the character comes back to the present. It seems the roller coaster did work for most people - those who have experienced her loss. For that I'm glad, it was my intention to feel emotions vividly in this story. This was my nod to men in uniform all over the world, and more importantly, it was my nod to the wives, girlfriends, lovers who wait for them to come back. Finally, it was my nod to those who never returned, too many people don't come back from war. Thanks again, to all.
Great writing, heartfelt and descriptive
I really liked this short tale of recovery and love. This really should have been in the Romance section, so hopefully the normal LW crowd isn't too tough on the voting. As for the detail, it was woven into a very nice web, and almost poetic at times. I would say that the loving and sex at the very end seemed a bit clinical and forced, instead of the intended effect of them truly uniting to become one love. I still got the intention, and felt the two characters love for each other, but the wording could have been a little less "health class" during that scene.
5* and thank you for sharing!!
Really good, a 4*
Evocative, beautifully written, makes me think of all those young men that will never lead a full life-they gave their's for us to have a safe, secure life. What a sacrifice we call upon them to do - and they do it willlingly. God Bless our Service men and women.
Beautiful Tale
At the same time points out all the difficulties hidden in our world and shows how it can be wonderful if you work at it.
Absolutely true
There is nothing so incomprehensible as true loss, when a partner dies there is no way to truly deal with that loss and heal - without the intervention of another soul.
You have conveyed that loss so well, that you must have suffered that kind of loss (or something very close). Thank you for sharing some true feelings.
5/5
Yes, Simple and direct.....
Pain is simple Love is... complicated, unconditional is forever. Infatuation is temporary if that long. Death is forever but Love lasts longer. Go figure
Thanks for sharing your hard work on Lit.
x
Moving...
A sad and also happy tale !
Well written
Top Drawer
this topic is a solid 10 thank you for all of us
you have a beautiful gift. thank you.
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