Champions

Damn right you should keep writing.

I'm a british ex-reservist, I never saw active service, but I can taste the truth of your writing, it echoes in harmony with my own experiences and the stronger ones I saw in the eyes of my comrades.

David strikes me as a fine soldier, his companions are each lovely in their own ways.

I came across your story and devoured it in one sitting.

I can't even imagine how an invasion of the indicated size can be stopped with the resources at hand, but I really want to find out.

Please do write the next book, and the one after, I for one will eagerly await them

Bravo

One of the best 1st novels I have ever read. Looking forward to the rest you have planned.Semper Fi

WOW!

Wow, what a phenomenal work of art! I must say this was hands down one of the best syfy reads I can ever recall. I look forward to a (hopeful) next installment!

Thank you!

good, but find someone to trust

For self edited and proofread it is better than most, and an outstanding first novel.
Please do keep on writing.

But you do need to find a proofreader.
A writer is handicapped by knowing what he or she means to say, and the mind tends to 'fill in the blanks' where something is wrong.

There are some wrong words that a spell-checker will not catch.

For example; that when the word in the sentence should be than.

Another example:
Reigns is what a king does.
Reins (no G) is what you guide a horse with.

Bravo

Look forward to the story continuing on.
Also, worth publishing.

Great story.

I wish that others the submit stories to this site would read it and learn how to write a story that reads as good as this one does. I am anxiously awaiting for more.

Great Story!

For a first story(or any story), this one is extremely well done, irregardless of small/insignificant errors. I would say your work is definitely in the top 5% of submissions on this site and among the best I've read in the last few years on any online story site. In fact, I've read published works that didn't appeal to me nearly as much.

Thanks, for all your efforts and I look forward to the continuation.....(hopefully soon!)

Great story!

Please do write more!

Excellent

I would pay to read this. Can't wait for more.

Champions

Well written, I enjoyed it immensely!

Old Unit

Wow. Wasnt surprised when I saw the 101st in there given your username, but to think my old CAV unit was going to be mentioned, that came as a bit of a shock. Even the old motto, Victory or Death.... havent said that in forever.

MOAR

You did a great job with this, especially if it was self-edited... I only counted maybe 5 instances of improper word use (there instead of they're). Your story is great, and I eagerly await the next installment sir! Kudos! -BO

Slight issues

An officer ( 2nd LT) breaking secure comms rules with his Garmin watch is carrying a shave kit so that the senior enlisted ( 1SG) is happy with his facial hair?

Great story!

Thanks for sharing.

dear author

im on page 19 and have one big complaint so far and that all there talk penence and right and wrong and all that and no one has said anythig on the fact that there so called god is by his own standers a criminal in the fact that HE STOLE SOME ONE FROM ANOTHER WORLD WITH OUT CONCENT... PERIOD WICH MAKES HIM A THEIF AND NO BETTER THE THE PEOPLE ROBBING EVERY ONE IN THE MOUTIANS BUT other than that am enjoying it so far

Thanks and Responses (including Garmin vs. Shaving kit)

First, for all the positive feedback, I thank you for your kind words. They are an inspiration.

Second, see my profile comments for timeline updates on Book 2's progress.

Third, I am a Master level 'picker of nits', so I applaud any reader that pays enough attention to a work to spot an inconsistence. Below is my rebuttal.

Anonymous posted:
An officer ( 2nd LT) breaking secure comms rules with his Garmin watch is carrying a shave kit so that the senior enlisted ( 1SG) is happy with his facial hair?

My response:
That is why truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense, truth doesn't. This work has a number of situations like this in it, where 'common sense' and 'Army sense' are at odds. That was what my deployment was like. While secure comms began as an important issue for us, on my first few missions I had to wait approximately ten minutes for my DAGR to boot, acquire satellites, update location, etc. every single 'f'-ing time I used it. After the first month my CDR (a Major) got tired of it and loaned me his Garmin and told me to leave that other P.O.S. in the connex (COMMON SENSE). I ordered my own off Amazon that day, and returned his to him three weeks later when mine arrived. (Seriously, like I was going to borrow the Major's personal Garmin for the entire rest of that deployment! [Shudder])

However, the 1SG was a stickler for personal appearance, and he insisted that everyone crossed the wire with a clean shave, and came back with one. He also made us pack a sewing kit, toothbrush, and one extra bottle of water per day for personal hygiene so that we would always present a clean/professional appearance to a local population that just so happens to use their left hands for toilet paper (ARMY SENSE). It was retarded, but every soldier had to do it and the CO (COP/company commanding officer) insisted that the O's should support the 1SG and lead by example. It was a stupid rule that had us carrying unnecessary weight,but as a leader you bitch up the chain, not down so I had to give the CO a 'Roger, Sir', NO salute (I actually liked the guy so I refused to 'sniper check' him in view of the locals), and execute. Now obviously we only carried the minimum to get the job done (safety razor, travel soap, travel toothbrush/paste, etc) so that we could keep our carry weight down, but we still had to carry it.

Like I said, sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction...

Thanks!

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

Your self-editing was almost perfect, which is an incredible feat for the total number of words you have written.

The only thing that I am concerned about is your thought of writing eight more novels of this length to complete the story line. What you have here is half of a very good tale. If you really plan on writing eight more installments of this story, you should have a shit load of new ideas and plot twists.

There is no need to try to be like JRR Toklien right out of the gate. Tell the story that you want to tell, and do not think that longer = better. I wish you the best of luck on your next installment!

Great read

Really good, can't wait to read more.

5 stars. a very good read.

Good job. But you need to take the anger down a notch. Opinions are like assholes everyone has one. Just do your best and from what I've seen, your best is really good.

For critics.It's fiction folks. Who cares if what you read doesn't ring true to you. The world is wide everyone's perspective is different. The business with the untrustworthy "Afghan Allies" sure rings true to me. From what I have heard they are a bunch of scum that only worked with the government because the were so incompetent or downright scummy the Taliban wouldn't have them.

Anyone of them that was in any way competent I'd be wary of.

Had to make an account just for this story

First off, let me just say: Thank you for you service sir. I am an 18 year old who is currently in the process of enlistment. My preferred MOS is Airborne dog handler, so this story may have spoke to me more than others. Given how good it is, I rather doubt that. This story doesn't need the help to be amazing.

This story enthralled my attention in a way I haven't had happen since I first found Jim Butcher. Not an exaggeration. My phone nearly died reading this because I refused to turn off the screen to let it charge. Finding out at the end that you self edited this(!!) damn near blew my mind. I've taken college level writing curriculums in the course of my home school education, and I can't even imagine doing something like this. An absolute 5/5 even before, but mine boggling after the fact. I caught maybe two typos in the entire story, which is better than some people with multiple editors, and many actually published books I've read.

For your question if good enough to self publish... The only reason I am hesitant to say yes is because I'm a cheap mother fucker and don't want to have to pay for more, as I quite confident this would explode. I'd say go for it and hope for the best. You have a gift for writing, and I can't wait to see what you do next, whether I have to pay for it or not.

Thank you

You had me at my name sake.

Great read!

Definitely want to read more!

And if your backup 'chute fails to deploy,

You will have the rest of your Airborne life to reel it back in,
and throw it out again.

Fantastic story. Hope to read part 2 someday.

Well Done!

In the first few pages, I thought you had a bit of an issue with "information dumping". This is generally where you see an author drop all sorts of technical jargon in an attempt to show the reader how well researched the story is.

Even though I'm familiar with the equipment you mentioned and understand why someone in the sandbox would have it, there's no real benefit to the story in bringing it up. Also, if someone doesn't understand what an ACOG is and what benefit it brings to the platform, it might be better to simply say "scope" or "optic".

Then there was the problem of load-out overload later in the story. When the hero has three folding knives, his drop leg holsters, half a dozen throwing knives (which you made sure to mention the brand name of) and everything else... again, it gets a bit much. I'm a big believer in having a backup, but there's only so much surface area on the human body and trying to organize all that stuff - and remember where it is in the heat of battle - well, it just doesn't come across as something you'd expect from a professional. Of all the guys I know who have spent time at the tip of the spear, none have carried throwing knives or wished for them in their load out. More ammo, sure, but throwing knives? And this from a guy that was supposedly taught by a NavSpecWar guy? It just pushed the boundary a bit more than it needed being pushed.

Overall, though, the story was captivating enough that I was quite happy to sit in front of my computer and read it all the way through. And I think it's got serious potential if you wanted to find a qualified editor to help you clean it up in spots.

If that wasn't endorsement enough, take solace in the fact that I'm very anxious to see the next installment. I really enjoy long stories that take the time to develop the characters. You did good at that and I hope the next book is out very soon!

Rockin' tale!

Excellent first effort! Engaging story, great characters who developed as the story unfolded, well defined physics - all in all a wonderful read. Amazingly small number of typos given that it was self-edited.

Sincere thanks for the work

Epic start.

So glad there is more.

Great

Just put the same effort on the rest and you will do great. It's has being a long time since I truly enjoy a great reading like this

Loved it

The former soldier in me (enlisted US Army 11B, ROTC commission FA, and eventual branch transfer to JAGC) relished in the real-world acronyms, tactics, and weaponry insight you included. Well done. I truly enjoyed the story and the style of its telling, and I'll be looking forward to the next installment of this tale.

"Shut the fuck up Carl!"

That made my day, thanks. Story was fantastic, and such a well done portrayal of Afganistan combat, if only I could show this story to those who do not understand what US Soldiers go through on a daily basis. But then I would have to explain why I am reading stories in Literotica. That would be awkward. I can't wait to hear more, cheers.

Shut up and take my money :P

Outstanding well writen, cant wait for the rest of the trilogy, i strongly suggest that you consider publishing your work as well. Loved the amount of thought you put into this wonderful story and the level of detail in it. The sex scenes werent ridiculously overdone so as to destroy the story which can be dificult to get right , so well done there. Hope to see more of the story as soon as possible.

Keep up the good work!

Definitely more than good enough for self publishing. There were some misspelled words but over all well done.

*sees title in list of new stories*

*reads description*
...A'ight, sounds like I might like it.
*opens in new tab*
*hits 'End' key to see how many pages there are*
[beat]
*goes bug-eyed with glee*

GREAT STORY!

WOW, I really liked this story. It reminds me of Ripperfish's story. Can't wait for a follow up / continuation. I am a veteran also and I appreciate your historical input.
Please continue with this Saga

Worthy of publishing into print

Great work. Looking forward to the rest of the story.

Excellent!! Thank you for the story and for your service!!

My title says it all.

Great start!

A great start, I look forward to reading the other nine books. Hopefully you will publish them all in the next eight days.
If you get an editor we will probably soon lose you to the professional ranks.
I hope that you can find this process not only rewarding but emotionally theraputic.
thank you for a great story.

Engrossing Story with Much Potential

Thank you for your service to your country, and rest assured that your story is most enjoyable. You definitely write well, aside from minor spelling errors, and clearly know what you are talking about,combat-wise. Your characters are well-drawn and quite three-dimensional. You should definitely continue writing, as, with a bit of editing and polishing, your work is certainly good enough for publication. I have two minor points to make.

First, David's initial reaction to seeing Laurena participating in the "blessing of Eros" seemed a little extreme. "Sacred Prostitutes" and Temple Priestesses were common in the ancient world, including Greece, Rome, Babylon, etc. David seems like a modern, intelligent and fairly well-educated guy, so his degree of shock at seeing a temple priestess (of Eros, no less), doing what temple priestesses do seemed a little immature, though I understand your purpose in reinforcing his distaste for Laurena. But I think she was already unlikeable enough due to her self-centered nature. Showing her personal growth during the course of the story was well-done, and having her turn out to be one of the champions was a nice twist.

My second point is that, to those of us without a military background, the intricate detail regarding the weapons, the military kit, the contents of the backpack, etc. causes a bit of mental fatigue. I usually read stories straight through, every word, but I found myself skimming over a lot of the military jargon. Some of it was interesting, especially the enchanted swords and knives, the bo stick and so on, but for those of us who barely know the difference between a pistol and a rifle, the hardware details bogged me down. (Probably those with more expertise found it fascinating, so this is just my personal take on it.)

Your plot lines, dialogue, and descriptions are good, and your creativity,as well.
Keep writing, and I hope you get all your books done. It is quite a formidable task to think of 9 books total, but you have made a very good start.

By the way, in my opinion, your writing would work just as well outside the erotic category. While many Literotica stories rely for their appeal on the graphic sex scenes, yours does not, and would work just as well if they were removed, or only hinted at. Literotica is a good place to try out your skills and get feedback, but do not limit yourself to that category, as your writing has much broader appeal.

Best Regards, and best of luck. ; )

Fantastic story I would buy the sequel

Yes you definitely should self publish. Hope to see the next book soon

Great story

U enjoyed your story and its vivid descriptions of combat
I look forward to more.

Thank you for your service!

Veteran = veterans (duh)
Erosius = hippie civilians
Amenemhet = Militant zealots of Foreign countries

I gotcha brother (or am I way off?)

Longest single read I've done here

And would do it again for part 2. Keep up the great work. Even though genius takes time, please don't make us wait too long for the next part.

Incorrect rating

I accidentally scored your story one star. I can't seem to change it. Your story has a good plot and makes for an entertaining read. Thank you for sharing your talent's with us readers. I for one, would enjoy seeing you continue with your story line..

one of the best stories ive read on this site, looking forward to the next instalment,

Hands down, best story so far this year

Well! I suppose we'll start with the bad news... I'm finished reading all whopping 37 pages. Mind you, that's also the good news, because the quality of the work was what I would expect from a professional author! Your skill at creating a scene is only dwarfed by your ability to create believable, entertaining characters, and perhaps more importantly dialogue. I found myself laughing aloud and cursing, all while being thoroughly entrapped in the masterpiece that you call your 'first attempt'.

Aside from some minor editing and grammatical errors (which will always persist, regardless of how many editors you hire), this was a pleasure to read from start to finish, and now has me eagerly awaiting the sequel! I honestly don't believe that you did all of your editing yourself, with the skill at which it was done! The sheer time invested in creating such a story is awe inspiring, and I truly hope that doing so helps you with any demons you may carry (Yeah, I may be a little biased, and I desperately want/need the next book. Sue me).

Long story short, you've kept me up till 5 in the morning reading on a night that I work at 9 in the morning tomorrow... And would definitely do it all again in a heartbeat. I understand that writing takes time, energy, and a whole lot more imagination than I possess, so I implore you to continue, and humbly ask for a rough timeline on when a sequel might be in the works (I know I'm 'anonymous', so I'd love if you could post a reply in the comment section). That being said, I'd gladly wait a year for the next one, if it was half as good as this!

In any case, I'm rambling. Solid 10/10 story right here, and if it doesn't end up in the hall of fame, literotica needs a firm talking to. You've certainly made a fan out of me, and yes, I would pay full price for a novel as high a quality as this.

Keep up the incredible work,
Cheers,
Dennis

More responses to comments

First, thank you all for the comments and votes. It is humbling. In the first two days of this story it has received over 250 votes, and it is holding steady at a 4.84 rating. For my first story. Ever. Wow... [taking a moment to collect myself]

...and now to reply to my favorite comments.

To Mojomaggie:

Yes, his response was not a 'logical' one. Ask yourself why a character who is VERY logical would make such an obvious error. Did the author just not realize the mistake. I don't know if you re-read stories multiple times, or if you are a 'one and done' reader, but if you ever go back over this story again see if you can find any other instances where I had character act in less than logical ways.

My Bachelors degree is in Psychology, and every named character I write actually has a psychological profile for them. As the character develops, I update the profile. Experience is the greatest predictor of personality, and if you remember back in Chapter 1, David broke up with his ex because she cheated on him while he was deployed. Now this would not matter at all if David had absolutely no regard for Laurena. So why bother to mention it? The most powerful lies we tell are the ones we tell to ourselves...

To Anonymous:

You wrote:
Veteran = veterans (duh)
Erosius = hippie civilians
Amenemhet = Militant zealots of Foreign countries

I gotcha brother (or am I way off?)

My response:

You are not off. Congratulations for being the first to point out the primary message of this work.

They say write what you know. Well I know that my return to the civilian world was a massive culture shock when I saw how sheltered our society had become. Every time someone would say 'thank you for your service' I wanted to say 'fuck you for not having the balls to defend yourself' (like I said, this story was a kind of therapy for me...I have anger issues). Our 'everyone gets a trophy/participation award' society seems to think that if the terrorists just knew how awesome we were, then they would want to join us in our awesomeness (Erosian religious doctrine ring a bell?). This belief ignores the reality that they don't care what we think. They don't want our way of life, or our culture. They want to kill us and take our stuff so they can have it, all the while publicly claiming that our presence in their countries is the only reason they are fighting us. Uh huh.

I'm working on a Masters of the Arts in Intelligence Studies (focusing on Terrorism), and for the last 100 years all terrorist acts have simply been the 'have nots' fighting to take from the 'haves'. The moral and ethical justifications for terrorist groups has changed over the last century, but the basics remain the same. And for those who think I am an evil, prejudiced simpleton. Books 4-6 will be my rebuttal. A hint, what happens when a military soldier who was trained to fight a counter-insurgency war has to start an insurgency of his own to succeed?

To sithon:

Read my above response to Anonymous again. Okay, now that you're back...yeah there is A LOT of anger in this story. I have a lot of anger in me. It is happens. This is my therapy.

To Anonymous:
You wrote: The only thing that I am concerned about is your thought of writing eight more novels of this length to complete the story line. What you have here is half of a very good tale. If you really plan on writing eight more installments of this story, you should have a shit load of new ideas and plot twists.

My response:
I actually originally envisioned the story as a trilogy, with each book broken into three acts. After 140k words, I finally finished act one book one. Then I edited it and pulled some useless, overly wordy crap out. 130 k words. Then I researched the average length of a commercially published fantasy novel. 120 k words. Looks like I just finished book one, and I have eight more to go. Shit...

But seriously, I have a story in my head that I have to tell. I refuse to short change the story or the characters just so I can finish this project. So it looks like more is on the way.

On the plus side, the first 2/3 of this book was written in a month. The rest took me about five more months because for that first month I was unemployed and looking. Then I was working full time. Then I was working full time and going to school full time. I tried to work on this a little bit at a time when I could, but did not get much done during that time. Then I got burnt out and took this month off of school, and told my boss to cut my hours back. After I slept for 12 hours a day, every day, for the first week, I decided to sit down and finish this. I wrapped up the last 25% of this book in two weeks, while still putting in about 30 hours a week at work. I have already started Book 2, and I have decided to publish this on Amazon so I when I do I will put the best bit of what I have written in the back of it as a taste / tease.

Finally, I want to reiterate my promise to post an update my profit at least once a week to keep my dedicated fans abreast my evolving timeline. Any success I may some day have with this story I will owe to you all. Without your kind words and encouragement I would have finished this story over the next few years, and kept the completed works to myself. Thank you to everyone that commented for their kind words and helpful advice. I have found someone I actually trust (my best friend for the last 15 years) to help me edit this so the final published product should have fewer errors.

GREAT START!!

I ENJOYED YOUR WORK, FOUND IT WELL WRITTEN AND THE CHARACTERS BELIEVABLE. WILL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT OF THE SERIES! TRULY A FIVE STAR WORK!

Fuck it!

I had a plan on what todo for today, but the best laid plans don't survive the first contact with the enemy. You and your story! So I admit total defeat for this battle, but the war is not over and when your fire the next 40 pages at me, I'll come prepared and won't falter and not read it all in one go!

But anyway, it's good to see such a good and long story here, it's been a drought lately, and even if there is no raincloud in sight, every drop helps.

Thanks again and looking forward to more!

Dear SE101...

I post this after reading both your story and comments.

First, my reaction to reading your story (1 sitting, ending around 7AM - DAMN, YOU!! ...erm, I mean, Damn ME!).
Loved it, storyline-wise.
Writing-wise, your sense of storytelling style and dialog are dead on. Keep up the great work. You can get a little over-detail-y, but I can also see how this affects and is reflected in the characters' thinking process, so count that as a muted criticism, warning-level only.

Your careful attention to the psychological side of the storyline and character development is excellent, as befits your training and rigor you observe in following it.
I do eagerly await your next submission, and please do count me as a new fan.
As for your "anger" issues...much of that is largely understandable, and I'll borrow a paraphrased line popularized by some other recent Literotica stories from the Klingon: "you are merely human, ...and so I will excuse it." :-)

I do have to reply to one of your lines in reply to those of us who seek to thank you for your service... No, I will not go fuck myself for not having the balls to go defend my country and myself because I was born with eyesight too poor to qualify to join the fight. There are those of us who say those words with ALL the due respect, and with a decent-enough reason to not have crouched by your side in the foxholes. Some of us, at least, would have been happy, and honored, to do so, and if you don't want to hear or accept that, well then you can be the one to go fuck yourself, friend.

Now, a bit of advice, if I may be so forward.
Check out, if you can, the manner in which Ron Dudderie (https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?u id=2666059&page=submissions) is publishing and attempting to monetize his works (of similar length and quality of effort as your own). You may want to consider borrowing some pages from his book in that regard. I would also recommend his stories/self-published works for reading, as his sensibilities greatly seem to mirror your own. You should be able to be rewarded for your work effort, and this is an approach that may be worth your investigation. I have admiration for Ron's marketing sense and strategy in this regard.

On to some criticism:
I found the ending of your first story a tad weak, though I'm having some difficulty explaining to myself exactly why. In part, though, it has to do with a failure I perceive on explaining how mortals could withstand the sight and presence of any nearly-divine-level entities without falling down in awe of their God-head-ness. You explain the mental pressure of their proximity to the Field Of Woe they have to buttress themselves against, but fail to mention anything else about dealing with Eros in his very presence - an odd-seeming omission left as unexplained in comparison.
I also am tweaked by the notion of a Christian (meaning, an actual, fully believing, born-again Christian rather than an in-name-only sort) being selected as a "Champion" of the Creator/Father with no ethical/spiritual connection to the Christ figure being (yet?) involved in that story. I would imagine that the whole "suddenly kidnapped into another realm" subplot would actually have happened a tad differently had that aspect of the story been thought through a bit more completely (perhaps you omitted to consider the psychological profile of the Father/Christ in that aspect of the storyline? something that a good editor should have been able to point out to you). So that part of the story retroactively rang as wrong once that was revealed.
I also thought that the ShadowLord sub-plot was interesting, but a tad under-developed/under-explored. ...but if you're saving that part for later, I understand.
For a self-editied initial effort, I was generally very impressed, but there were some occasional word-use issues that seem typical to most self-editing efforts, but they were usually fairly minor. I also thought I spotted an instance or two of names being misused/mixed-up (like "Laurena" and "Lauren" might be one example I seem to recall seeing at least once).

I am intrigued by the hints in your comments as to the overall arc of the story, and am very interested in the socio-political allegory aspect of your message. There is certainly a target-rich environment for you to select from there. :-)

All-in-all, a very readable 5*-worthy effort, to say the very least.

Amazing work

Could not stop reading once I started. So good