Champions

Must Read!

Hands down one of the best I have read on Lit. I would be greatly saddened to see this series end when the beginning is so fantastic. I sincerely hope that we see more of David and congratulate ScreamingEagle101 for an impressive debut.

More responses to comments (edited, again, and updated version)

Okay folks. I posted my earlier comments without editing them because I lost track of the time and had to race off to work…so I wanted to fix all the mistakes and finish some thoughts. However, rather than delete the original, I decided to make the corrections and repost the edited version. Mostly this is to address all of the readers who are astonished that I did all the editing of CHAMPIONS solo. I screw up A LOT, so I make up for it by repeatedly self-editing. Then I posted the edited and revised version...without about three sentences that would have made all the difference in the world to how my message could be interpreted. Sorry. My original message was missing the following important sentences:
*It was ABSOLUTELY the wrong way to think about the issue, but that was were my head was less than a year ago. (again, anger issues) At that time when I was talking to non-military people I felt like I was talking to aliens, or humans from some crazy alternate dimension. This story was born from that feeling and others.*
Seems innocuous when you see it written here right? Well, when you get to the actual section that it is in (there will be asterisks around that section as well) you will understand. Read the message with, and without, the asterisked section and you will see why I felt like walking into the backyard and kicking my own ass.

And to GrandPaM, and anyone else who read the earlier version: I apologize. No excuses. I will continue to strive to be a better example of the kind of author that is worthy of readers like all of you. Each and every one of you deserves no less.

So, without further ado…

First, I wish to extend a heartfelt ‘thank you’ to everyone who voted and/or commented. It is humbling. In the first two days of this story it has received over 250 votes, and it is holding steady at a 4.84 rating. For my first story. Ever. Wow... [taking a moment to collect myself]

...and now to reply to my favorite comments.

To Mojomaggie:

Yes, his response was not a 'logical' one. After I read your comment I decided to respond without actually looking back over my work. Frickin rookie mistake. Sorry. On my smoke break at work I pulled up the appropriate section of Chapter 14 on my smart phone and discovered that during my last major edit I cut out too much from that section. It was originally longer and went further into David’s thoughts and feelings than I wanted to at that point in the story, so I ripped out a large chunk of that chapter and streamlined it better. Unfortunately, I also ripped out TWO KEY SENTENCES that foreshadowed a future inner conflict for our hero. Doh! Again, rookie mistake. That being said, I re-read the chapter as it is now, and noticed that the message was still there, I just forced you (the reader) to work harder to find it.

So, in the future, when you come across a section like that, ask yourself why a character, who is normally VERY logical, would make such an obvious error. Did the author just not realize the mistake (in this case: yep, sorry, I will fix it). I don't know if you re-read stories multiple times, or if you are a 'one and done' reader, but if you ever go back over this story again see if you can find hints to why I had my characters act in less than logical ways. There are actually a number of these in this story, and most of them foreshadow emotional discoveries to come. As I said in my end notes for Volume 1, this is a nine part story. I had to lay a lot of initial ground work to set up the event of the rest of the series without bogging the reader down with too much extraneous ‘why should I care about this’ information.

My Bachelors degree is in Psychology, and every named character I write actually has a psychological profile for them. As the character develops, I update their profile. I learned in my Psychology of Personality course years ago that experience is the greatest predictor of personality. This statement is painfully true, and I am a walking example of it. If you remember back in Chapter 1, David broke up with his ex because she cheated on him while he was deployed. Now this would not matter at all if David had absolutely no emotional attachment to Laurena. David’s reaction doesn’t make sense with the information presented (partly because I screwed up), so when that happens you should ask yourself why is the character acting this way if he obviously has no feelings for her? The most powerful lies we tell are the ones we tell to ourselves...

To Anonymous #1:

You wrote:
Veteran = veterans (duh)
Erosius = hippie civilians
Amenemhet = Militant zealots of Foreign countries

I gotcha brother (or am I way off?)

My response:

You are not off. Congratulations for being the first to point out the primary message of this work.

They say write what you know. Well I know that my return to the civilian world was a massive culture shock when I saw how sheltered our society is now. Every time someone would say 'thank you for your service' I wanted to say 'fuck you for not having the balls to defend yourself' (like I said, this story was a kind of therapy for me...I have anger issues). *It was ABSOLUTELY the wrong way to think about the issue, but that was were my head was less than a year ago. (again, anger issues) At that time when I was talking to non-military people I felt like I was talking to aliens, or humans from some crazy alternate dimension. This story was born from that feeling and others.* (Yeah, now imagine how that section read before I caught my mistake and added the missing sentences. Seriously, I really am a fucking noob writer!)

Our 'everyone gets a trophy/participation award' society was one of them. So many of our citizens seem to think that if the terrorists just knew how awesome we were, then they would want to join us in our awesomeness (where do you think the Erosian religious theology came from?). This belief ignores the reality that they don't care what we think. They don't want our way of life, or our culture. They want to kill us and take our stuff so they can have it, all the while publicly claiming that our presence in their countries is the only reason they are fighting us. Uh huh.

I'm working on a Masters of the Arts in Intelligence Studies (focusing on Terrorism), and for the last 100 years all terrorist acts have simply been the 'have nots' fighting to take from the 'haves'. The moral and ethical justifications for terrorist groups have changed over the last century, but the basics have remained the same. Just because some of those ‘freedom fighters’ were trying to take something from the ‘haves’ that was originally theirs before those in power stole it from them doesn’t change the basic concepts, just the morality. And for those who think I am an evil, prejudiced simpleton…Volumes 4-6 will be my rebuttal. A hint: what happens when a military soldier who was trained to fight a counter-insurgency war has to start an insurgency of his own to succeed?

To sithon:

Read my above response to Anonymous again. Okay, now that you're back...yeah there is A LOT of anger in this story. I have a lot of anger in me. It happens when you have lived through what I have. This is my therapy.

To Anonymous #2:
You wrote: The only thing that I am concerned about is your thought of writing eight more novels of this length to complete the story line. What you have here is half of a very good tale. If you really plan on writing eight more installments of this story, you should have a shit load of new ideas and plot twists.

My response:
“I find your lack of faith disturbing.” No really, I originally envisioned the full story as a trilogy, with each book broken into three acts. After 140,000 words, I finally finished the first act of book one. Then I edited it and pulled some useless, overly wordy crap out. Now I was down around 130,000 words. Then I researched the average length of a commercially published fantasy novel. 120,000 words. That was when I realized that I was wrong. What I had just finished was not the first act of book one in a trilogy, but the first book in a three trilogy (nine books) set…and I have eight more to go. Shit...

But seriously, I have a story in my head that I have to tell; and I refuse to short change the story or the characters just so I can finish this project. So it looks like a lot more is on the way.

To Anonymous #3:
You mentioned two issues I want to address, so first off your concern about “information dump”.
I wrote this story for me. I don’t think of an ACOG as an optic, sight, scope, or any of that other silly shit. To me an ‘optic’ is an M-68 battery powered dot sight. A ‘sight’ is the mounted iron sights attached to the standard (AKA non-Optics Ready Mount) M4. A ‘scope’ is the Leupold Mk 4 3.5-10x scope attached to the M14 Enhanced Battle Rifle (M14 EBR-RI, the exact weapon in this book that I chose to only ever refer to as an M14, in deference to the sensibilities of the delicate). An ‘ACOG’ is a Trijicon 4 x 32 Day-sight Advanced Combat Optical Gunsight (ACOG). Talk to a combat veteran that served in Afghanistan if you don’t believe me. They will confirm this. I identified the ACOG ‘specifically’ so that those who actually know what the fuck is really going on can enjoy this story too. If I did not do this, it would have invalidated the reason why I wrote this story in the first place: namely, to produce an accurate fucking story that doesn’t have actual veterans face palming the whole way through. Notice that after the first time I identified the ACOG as the ‘targeting acquisition assistance device’ of choice for the M4 in the story, I then referred to it as either an ACOG, optic, or sight interchangeably. I did the same when I referred to the M4 and M14 at different times as ‘rifles’ (the M4 is actually a carbine, the M16 is a ‘rifle’, and the M14 is a ‘long rifle’, an EBR [Enhanced Battle Rifle], or a SDMR [Squad Designated Marksman Rifle]). I assure you there are veterans that were annoyed by this, but because I was specific enough in my initial description of the items most are willing to meet me half-way. After all, there are plenty of readers that do not know or care about the difference, and that is fine. (I reiterate, I have anger issues [looking significantly at the above paragraph])
All I ask of my readers is to remember that we who lived it are constantly forced to be cognizant of the perspectives of those who did not. Meet us half-way, and be cognizant of ours. Don’t thank me for my service, it just reminds me of that place and time that I constantly struggle (and usually fail) to forget. Instead just do what a Vietnam veteran did for me on my first day back in the States after my deployment. I was in the lobby of a hotel, checking in because I had now where else to go. He walked up to me, asked politely “just getting back?”, and when I nodded he shook my hand and said thank you. We both knew what he was talking about, and he also understood what I sacrificed, and what I would probably struggle for the rest of my life to regain. Knowing that, he chose not to remind me of it.
Second, David’s excessive ‘iron mongery’, aka too many damn knives.
You are absolutely right. My bad. I missed this one on my ‘content and feasibility’ edit and it is on me. I will review this portion of the story and fix it in a way that maintains the integrity of the rest of the story. This error was the result of a last minute change I made, and I failed to fully clean up all the tendrils of that aborted sub-story. Seriously, thank you for catching this. If this story had published without me fixing that it would have bugged the crap out of me forever.
Now to finish with a positive note, the first 2/3 of this book was written in a month because I was unemployed and looking for a job. The rest took me about five more months because I found a job and started back to school. Then I got burnt out (I graduated from college over a decade ago, so there was a lot of rust on the ‘new learning’ centers of my brain that I had to knock off) and took this month off of school to recover. I got some sleep, and I decided to sit down and finish this. I wrapped up the last 25% of this book in two weeks, while still working. I have also already started Volume 2. After the number of exceptional comments I decided I would try to publish this on Amazon, and when I do I will put the best ‘savory bit’ of what I have written for Volume 2 in the back of it as an excerpt. As for the finished product…it takes time. I could crank out a pile of crap in a pretty short time (my current record is a Masters level History of Terrorism 20+ page final paper in five hours that got a 97%), but it would just be like so many of the other unpolished turds I have had the misfortune of reading on this site. I don’t feel like this first book is a gem, but it is a turd with a ‘whole lotta’ polish.

Finally, I want to reiterate my promise to post an update to my profile at least once a week. As an avid reader and dedicated fan to other authors on this site, I well know the nervous anticipation of waiting for that next ‘chapter of our hero’s/heroine’s ongoing saga’. You have taken the time to read my story, and also to read this comment. I OWE you as an author to keep my dedicated fans abreast of my writing status, and evolving timeline. Any success I achieve with this story I will owe to you, my first readers. Without your kind words and encouragement I would probably have taken my time to work on this story over the next few years, and then kept the completed works to myself. Instead your enthusiasm and helpful advice have motivated me to take a chance (publish), and I thank you for that. I have found someone I actually trust (my best friend for the last 15 years) to help me edit this first novel, so that the final published product should have fewer errors and be deserving of the money I will charge for it.
I also decided today that I would publish two versions of this novel. An ‘R’ rated version with significantly toned down sex scenes so that those with more puritanical sensibilities could enjoy my tale, and an ‘X’ rated version in which all current scenes remain the same. There is a significant level of character development that would be lost or confused without these current scenes as they are written. I do want to keep the price of each book in this series down to a manageable amount. I miss the days of buying a paperback novel for $5. I also want to work in a way for anyone who buys either of the versions to be able to purchase the other with a steep discount, or get it for free. After all, they are not getting a different story, just a different perspective.

DAMN

Keep it up!!!! Don't stop!!! Thank you for your service.

Impressive

Good story, nice visualization, and no cliff hanger.

Amazing story!

Fantastic story! Great world building, terrific dialogue, and the action scenes and your attention to detail were awesome. You didn't create scenes that were merely for artificial drama which I enjoyed. I also enjoyed your philosophical arguments you ventured into as the story progressed. It was a real pleasure to read!

I look forward to reading more! You have a terrific literary gift AND I thank you for your service!

BTW this line was one my favorites because it was so powerful:

"You misunderstand David. You are not my Champion," the god replied, "you are his."

One of the BETTER ones

Always appreciate a knowledgeable military based yarn.

I agree with your comments about "thank you for your service"

Perhaps my anger issues are similar to yours, but it pisses me off every time I hear that phrase. This formerly great nation desperately needs compulsory service in order to survive. The current presidential candidates have convinced me that people who couldn't be bothered to serve their country should not be allowed to vote!

Thank you for this story!!! I appreciate the effort you put into it! and your self editing allows few mistakes. Enjoy your continuation of the next eight parts.

Awesome

This is definitely publishable material. Realistic mechanics, fantastic world building, characters that feel so real and have believablely natural dialogue. Well done and kudos on the self editing. Definitely a difficult thing to tackle and while there were some mistakes, nothing too serious (although there were some name issues).

Personally, I for one appreciated the attention to detail and specifics as far as "jargon and acronyms." Growing up in a career military family, and continuing in that tradition, it adds so much realism and helped me engage with the story more.

Keep it up and really looking forward to the next installment.

So, who's the night lord?

This story was well worth the time it took to read 37 pages. However, it's not clear what role the NIght Lord plays in the story. Is he connected to Enyo, working for another god or goddess or simply a powerful magician in the realm of Eros?

thank you

Great start to an epic tale I hope to see the rest of this tale to its conclusion .
P.s. thank you for your military service and the insights it provides to the dilemma we all face from the middle east

Thanks for the story

Awesome story can't wait for more

Excellent

Your story was very well written and I look forward to reading more of your work.

thank you

hay man i know the sand box is hell so first thank you for what you have done from one vet to another. No.2 great read man and well written story and i have to ask dose righting help im still lost and the va docs are pulling my neck so much i can't stand it but that off topic really great read and i hope i can't read more thank you.

and sorry if some words don't fit or it docent sound right got a really bad tbi and fried some of my brain

Brilliant and thank you

Thank you sir for this submission. Keep it up. And thank you for not separating it into 20 chapters and releasing all 37 pages as one. Much appreciated

For Docfluffy, writing as a form of therapy works

Hang in there bro. I know the TBI gets bad. Caffeine, sunglasses, and a dark room helped me a lot when the migraines got really bad. I was one of the lucky ones, and my migraines started to go away six months after I got back. I almost never get them now.

To answer your question, yes writing has helped me with a number of my issues. I am sure you know how hard it is to talk to anyone about your experiences. Sometimes I feel like an whiny idiot talking about what I went through, ungrateful for the fact that all my team made it back alive. Other times I remember what happened over there, - and the wasteland of my home life I returned to - and I get angry at the world.

Because of the political nightmare that is this current Presidential Administration, most of the higher commanders in my AO were so afraid of civcas that our fire missions were summarily denied. I will never forget what it was like on the side of that mountain during my first firefight, hiding behind a rock barely big enough to call it cover and hoping that the asshole shooting at me didn't get lucky. I used to joke with the guys that since we would never get help until one of us died, they should just shoot me if ever got really bad. That way at least the rest of the team might make it. We had to crack jokes like that because the truth was just too damn painful.

Most of my family still thinks I spent my entire deployment siting in an office or classroom teaching Afghan soldiers. I didn't want them to worry while I was there, and after I got back there was a chance I might return to 'the Stan' so I lied to them. Sharing what you went through with the ones you care about does help. They may never understand, but if they really care they will listen, which is what matters. You are the one who faced it, but at least let them help you share part of that burden you will forever carry because of it. You don't always have to be strong for them, sometimes you need to let them be strong for you. It helps a little.

Writing helps more. I can say whatever I feel like in my stories, secure that no one whose opinion really matters to me will ever know if I don't want them to. I kept a journal while I was deployed, but packed it away and never went looking for it until I decided to write this. Looking back at that opened up old psychological wounds, but afterwards I realized that those wounds had never really healed, and they were poisoning my life. So I poured that poison (rage, betrayal, hatred, fear, etc.) into this story. The longer I wrote, the more I realized that the pain was starting to go away. The nightmares came less and less, the anger was reduced a lot, and instead of having to constantly walk around with a calm façade to hide what was buried beneath...I started to actually feel calm.

Then I finished this story, and posted it. The response has been overwhelming and humbling. The kind works and appreciation of my work has made me the happiest I have been since I stepped off that plane at Campbell Army Airfield.

I will still have nightmares. I will still battle PTSD and depression. But now I have hope again. If I can feel this happy now, then I have the hope that joy is still possible in my life. I just have to work for it. I never expected to feel this way, but because I do I will forever be indebted to my readers for it. I owe you and every other reader more than most of you can imagine, and I will do everything in my power to finish a well written, quality product as this man's poor attempt at gratitude for this invaluable gift.

Finally, I encourage you to write something, write anything, and send it to me. I will help you edit it, and stand proudly beside you if you decide to share it with the world. Remember:

I will never leave a fallen comrade...

*whistles*

So, I finished that all in one sitting. Took me... *checks* looks like about 6-7 hours.

(Granted, I usually try to finish submissions all in one sitting -- because I've got shit for memory, so I'll end up forgetting stuff -- but one I get up above 12 pages, sometimes I need to stop because life cold-cocks me upside the head. I ducked this time, and kept on reading.)

As for your two questions:
"Should I continue writing?"
-Yes.
"Is this good enough to justify self-publishing?"
-FUCK YES.

If you want an example of a professional author who has also included sex in his works (multiple times, I add), look up Eric Brown -- he has created multiple extremely well-written scifi/fantasy stories (mostly scifi), and has included graphic (albeit short) descriptions of sex in several of them, to no ill effect so far as I can tell. Are there some people who are 'scandalized' by stuff like that existing? Sure, probably. Fuck 'em.

Good writing is good writing. I spend more time on Literotica looking for well-written stories than I do on Amazon. Part of that is because I don't have much free income, but mostly it's because people will, by-and-large, write whatever they feel like writing on Lit, because people tend to judge eachother less harshly when they're out of the public eye, so to speak.


As for this country being coddled....yes, but not as much as you believe. A large part of the problem is mass-media. It operates using the basic psychology of Crowd Mentality.
Now, I don't say the problem "isn't as bad as you believe it is" because I think the average American can tell their ass from their elbow (because in all honesty I really don't) -- I say it because there are people who are much more intelligent than the average American, who understand that there is no 'easy fix for everyone' magic solution to this bullshit.
Not only is this shit all caused by religious intolerance, it's caused -- more specifically -- by *extremist* religious intolerance.
And the problem with extremists is that by definition they cannot be reasoned with. At all.

If nuclear fallout weren't a problem, I'd legitimately have to actually consider nuking ISIL. Is that a brutal thing to do to any other living thing? Yes. It is. I make no excuses there. But at the same time, I'm honestly starting to believe that there may well end up being no other way to end this clusterfuckery once and for all.

And the worst part is that even if someone *did* drop a nuke on ISIL, it would probably just 'inspire' another group which had previously been tiny to rise up and fill the power-vacuum of depravity. ISIL is just *one* group of extremists. They most certainly aren't the only ones. I sincerely doubt that humanity will ever be rid of extremist beliefs before it gets rid of religion -- namely, all of those religions which teach that children should be taught religion as well, because that's the equivalent of brainwashing. (Note that I don't believe that ending religion will magically end extremism. It'll keep going for quite a while afterwards, I'd wager, but extremism won't end before religion does.)



On an unrelated note, I recommend Last Week Tonight with John Oliver for laughs, on youtube. It's fucking funny, and everyone needs a good laugh. Intellectuals and Cynics, even moreso.

Keep writing this

Title says it all man. Keep writing this story.

Great 1st work

I'm also a fan of this genre. Check out Hero of Varay, for one. Excellent start! I found the hero believe able and the storyline consistent. To anyone not of our world, the cursing of the main character might not have been understood, but it actually helped with my suspension of disbelief. Keep writing brother. Looking forward to the next chapters.

Nice one!

Interesting start to a new saga and a fucking fantastic first attempt at writing something for other folks. I love how you balance arguments, and give your characters genuine flaws as well as the good stuff. I really liked Laurena's whole arc in this story. It felt really earned when she finally got that magic boost at the end and became the new champion. Well done.

I noticed I was on your favorite author's list (thanks for that), and now I can whole heartedly return that favour.

Keep up the awesomeness, and if you ever want to shoot the shit about writing stuff then drop me a line.

Damn this was good

You wrote a very engaging tale
I think if you wanted to write a 2nd and third book and then 2nd and third trilogy I would love to read it

I couldn't stop reading

I. Am. In. Awe.

Your plot is engaging, and your pacing is phenomenal. You poured your heart and soul into this work, and it shows! Yes you should continue writing. I wholeheartedly say yes! All I have left to say is...

Part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2!!!

Please!

Impressive

First off let me say I really don't come here to read. I'm more interested in writing. Your story is the first I've bothered to actually take the time to go through. Definitely some good stuff here. Some of your descriptions dragged on a little more than necessary, and you need some proofreading passes on this. Otherwise you created some distinct characters and some well balanced viewpoints. Interested to see where this goes.

A good start

I'd have to start by saying that this took me a little to read through (life and such) but I have to say you created a wonderful world. I'd like to see the next volume soon and hopefully we can see some serious plot development. Having said that it seemed to me that you rushed the ending. I would have loved to see this reach 50 pages before you wrapped it up kinda quickly. I mean he spends 34-35 pages getting to Eros and you wrap it up in 2 pages with half a page of that being a cliffhanger lol. All in all I'd have to rate 4 out of 5 and I sincerely hope you continue. 2 more submissions like this and you can consider submitting this to a publisher.

One of the best "devices" in literature

"Suddenly everything started to make sense to David. The sword wielding bandits holding a beautiful prisoner; rescuing a damsel-in-distress that was literally the most gorgeous woman he could imagine; and actual magic. He was so fucked. He must have been hit by an IED, and now he was a vegetable laying in a coma in Ramstein. He was stuck in some weird fucking coma dream, the product of too much Dungeons and Dragons growing up, and too many Role-playing video games as an adult. It was either that, or he was dead, and this afterlife stuff was really poorly marketed back on Earth. He wondered if it mattered which it was. If he was stuck in a coma there was nothing he could do about it, and if he was dead then that was it. Game over. Either way, he was here and he might as well go with the flow. He figured if this was some weird dream he would probably be given some grand quest, like slaying a dragon or shit like that. And if he was dead then he figured his ancestors would start popping up soon. He missed his mom and his dad every day. If this was the afterlife he should get to see them again, or he was going to give whoever was in charge the biggest ass-chewing ever imagined."

++++++++++++++++++

In all writing, but especially in science fiction, fantasy, etc., you need to be able to SLOWLY transition THE READER from his world to the world you want him or her to go into...

And one of the most effective, is to go the route of the above here.... In this one paragraph, the author === with humor, cleverness, seriousness, tricks, and solemnity all combined in a believable manner === is able to put the read in the mind/head of the lead character... and, as the lead character is WILLING to suspend belief, so we, too, should be able to do it and just "go with the flow" and see what the next page, the next events, etc. brings....

Again, a very good device to use to convince your reader, dear author.

If, at junctures like this, in a reading, in a story... if a reader is not able or willing to "go with the flow" === as the soldier in this story is willing to do... convinced that he IS LIKELY in a deep coma somewhere in a military hospital or already dead, having seen most of his friends and brothers died by the enemies in Afghanistan === then the reader will not enjoy the story... so he or she might as well not read it...

Nice

First story I have read on here that has compelled me to make a profile and leave a comment, cant wait to read the rest of the series

More Comment Responses (2nd Edition)

Thank you all for your positive reviews and comments. I am reading all of them, and compiling a list of corrections to make based on your input. I have picked up a second editor, and this story is in her capable hands as well. Now, to respond to
specific comments…

GenghisKhan

You wrote: One of the best “devices” in literature

My response: Fuck yes! Woo Hoo! I struggled with how David would ‘convincingly’ accept his new reality. For me it was the opposite of the struggle I see in so much zombie fiction where the main characters take FOREVER to accept that they are experiencing the ‘Zombie Apocalypses’. Really people? Considering the over-saturation of zombies in our culture, it is not that big of a stretch to conclude that the decomposing/deformed/‘obviously fucking dead’ person shambling towards you is undead. This situation was the reverse of that. David had ZERO reason to buy in to his new reality. It took a mountain of evidence for him to even admit he wasn’t still in Afghanistan. The idea that he was in another world was unrealistic. His conclusion, that he had been injured/killed was far more realistic in his mind. I’m glad to know this approach worked.

Anonymous #1

You wrote: This story was well worth the time it took to read 37 pages. However, it's not clear what role the Night Lord plays in the story. Is he connected to Enyo, working for another god or goddess or simply a powerful magician in the realm of Eros?

My response: [snicker, snicker] you will have to wait for Volume 2 for the answer to that… [maniacal cackling]

But seriously, this sub-story is mostly about Sapphire. Each of the three main characters had lives, interests, and in some cases life quests / personal missions before the events of this story. Sapphire’s back-story is a little better developed in this first story, but I did that intentionally. There is a reason that David chose her over Laurena (or did he?). Sapphire is a driven, guarded individual, and in David she found a kindred spirit, as he did with her. But she is also a powerful sorceress, and thus has powerful enemies. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that her inquiry about Galen is what caused the Night Lord’s reaction. The important question is “why”? You will find out in the next volume.

Part of Laurena’s back-story appears in the beginning of Vol 2, as well as hints at how an academy dedicated to training acolytes for a god of love could produce a dedicated narcissist like Laurena. Her history will continue to develop through all three novels of the first trilogy, but a large portion of it will occur in the next book. People don’t change instantly, and while Astinus, Sapphire, and David have each played their part in her recent development, keep in mind that she is a narcissist who suffered a series of catastrophic narcissistic injuries which shook her to the core. That core is damaged, not destroyed, and her elevation to Champion of Eros will go to her head, just like it would for anyone else with that personality. The trick is that position comes with a responsibility to protect and care for every life in her god’s dominion now. Her life is no longer her own. David will also help with this, because he has a keen understanding of the sacrifice of duty, as well as a zero tolerance policy with her bullshit.

David’s back-story will span all nine volumes. He is the protagonist of this story, so his history will be the richest and most developed of all of them. But he is also an extremely guarded and untrusting person. His willingness to share these ‘chinks in his armor’ with others will take time. It should come as no surprise by this point that David is me. Or, more accurately, David is who I was in Afghanistan. His thoughts, emotions, and actions are shadows of my own since that time.

It has been noted that David reacted quite angrily to those aspects in Erosian society that he disliked. That reaction was the mirror of what I felt since I returned from overseas. When I returned I attempted to open up to friends that were service members who had not deployed, in the hopes of re-integrating back into my old life. It failed. Since then I have only ever opened up to one person, my friend and mentor, who is described as Mr. West in this story. My anger comes from the reality that most people talk about supporting our troops, but they have no idea what that really means. There is a huge gulf between not ‘spitting on returning servicemen’ like people did during Vietnam, and providing the understanding and emotional support that returning veterans need to re-integrate. We are isolated because our society doesn’t really want to know what we had to do in their name. They want to enjoy the benefits of our sacrifices without having to share the emotional burden of their costs. A few minutes of research on the suicide statistics of returning combat veterans can tell you something in this system is broken. I chose to heal myself, and this tale is the band-aid, salve, and medicine I will do it with.

Gremlin078

You wrote: To anyone not of our world, the cursing of the main character might not have been understood, but it actually helped with my suspension of disbelief.

My response: Thank you. I waffled on the inclusion of cursing at first, then I remembered a meme someone on our team had printed off and taped to the wall of our office in Afghanistan “Definition of a veteran: Some who can compose and entire sentence using only the word ‘fuck’.” So I left it in.

Lien_Geller

Wow! Thanks man! One of my favorite authors likes my story! I’ll make you a deal…every time I finish a story on here, you have to finish a chapter of “Aphrodisia” and “The Missing Dragon”. I love your work, but waiting two years for a 12 page chapter is torture dude. Between you, FinalStand, and Over_Red (although he finally finished at least the beginning of his story) I spend way too much time racing onto this site hoping for new stories, only to stare forlornly at my navel when I discover my hopes were in vain.

But seriously, you keep writing them and I’ll keep reading them.

doinstuff

You wrote: Some of your descriptions dragged on a little more than necessary, and you need some proofreading passes on this.

My response: Yeah, sadly I know. The proofreading is undergoing currently. The descriptions…you should have seen the first draft [cringes]. When I said earlier that this was originally 140,000 words, I was not joking. Imagine an extra 10k words of needlessly over-descriptive crap and that is pretty much what this was before I ‘fixed’ it the first time. I will continue to work on it, and I am considering a refresh of the first five chapters to ‘streamline my intro’. I’m just waiting for my editors to submit their recommendations.

Anonymous #2

You wrote: I'd like to see the next volume soon and hopefully we can see some serious plot development. Having said that it seemed to me that you rushed the ending. I would have loved to see this reach 50 pages before you wrapped it up kinda quickly. I mean he spends 34-35 pages getting to Eros and you wrap it up in 2 pages with half a page of that being a cliffhanger lol.

My response: You are correct sir. I had originally intended to end the first volume at chapter 39. (Stop here and go back to how that chapter ended) But I realized that would not be fair to my readers, so I added chapter 40 as a resolution/primer for the continuing discussions between Eros and our main characters at the beginning of vol 2. I wrote the first 27 chapters in a month, and then had another five months to re-read and correct any issues. I wrote chapters 37 through the Epilogue in a week, and posted the story to this site the next day. From the comments I have received it shows it. I will most likely do a significant rewrite of the last two chapters (but keep the endings of both because I like them) before I self-publish this.

Final Notes: About self-publishing this work. I have no idea if this will succeed or not. But if it is successful then it will grant me a measure of financial security which will allow me to quit my job and focus on writing. This first book has been wonderful therapy for me, and I don’t want to spend the next four years trying to finish it. If I can justify writing as a source of employment, then I could easily cut my completion times in half. Writing this story helps me so much with my issues that not being able to do so (aka when life interferes) greatly upsets me. This series doesn’t need to be a best seller. My financial needs are actually quite low, and my current job pays dick. It wouldn’t take much success to justify the transition. I posted this story in its current form because I wanted feedback to see if self-publishing was a pipe dream, and for feedback to make it better. That is why I respond to comments so often. I want my reader’s input desperately, because it allows me to produce a better finished product.

Pardon any mistakes in these comments, I have to race to work now and don’t have time to edit.

SE101

I was hooked from page 2.

A real nice story, getting up with some of the best here on the site. Mostly they are great characters, the PTSD flash backs/shared dreams really provide David a real link to his main squeeze (sorry can't go back and retrieve her name). Especially loved mother dragon. One of my only concerns was pacing, in that the training was probably about 2 months worth particularly the sword, bo-stick, knife, unarmed, and gun training, rather than the 3 or 4 days worth. The other, was that having a philosophy degree that David had a distinct lack of Ancient Greek knowledge/association, given that a lot of our basic philosophies originated from Plato, Socrates, etc., which again would have been couched within the pantheon of Ancient Greek gods and goddesses. Hence, his slow (Non) acceptance of Erosian culture, (the orgies) back to the god Eros and free love seems overly done as a plot/tension contrivance.

However, these comments are only minor, and I thank you for the writing of it, and await the next instalment.

Could be very good story around "time travel" concept .. but

I get that the hero was chosen based on hes skill set, but the amount of focus on guns makes it so that most of proffesionall soldiers could take hes place providing enough firepower. There is serious reason why the concept of magically creating gun ammo is NOT popular. It simply makes no sense. If the magic is so powerfull it would be logically preferable to create bigger firewall/ fireball/other element based spells that are mainstream of magic (If not there are more others kinetic projectiles not based on gun powder). Also there is serious problem with couple of menions of "freedom" as burst of bullets coming toward enemy. Does the autor realize that the very same model of American freedom way the USA states as superior ( almost non existant gun laws) to the outside world are seen as horribly inferior and that makes the story narrow the potential reader that would share the writers point of view. End result is not enjoyable sadly, at least for me

First Attempt at Writing?

If this is your first attempt, then my answer to your question of should you continue to write is a resounding yes. Very few stories have captured my interest as quickly as this one has. Your idea of continuing the story makes me happy, and I look forward to reading the next one.

How long did you spend all together in writing this one?

On a critical note, there were a number of simple errors, which should have been caught by editing. The reason behind having another person proof read and edit your work, is that they can look at it from a technical aspect, not hampered by the passion which the author feels for the story.

Having said that, I hasten to point out that the errors were so minor, and the story so compelling, that I was quite easily able to skip right over them or auto correct if you will. Not enough errors to be even a minor annoyance while reading the story.

Really liked the idea of the American warrior being thrust suddenly into this weird scenario. I have read many similar type stories which usually have Joe Average or some high school nerd as the protagonist.

I think you wrote in the bare minimum amount of steamy sex required for posting on Literotica, but it was well done.

Over all, Well Done, 5 stars, please continue to write.

is that your only option?

Is self publishing really your only option?
This with a bit of editing and proofreading would be on par with works from at least one major Sci-Fi/Fantasy publishing house.
And yes some of their published books do include fairly explicit sex.

Yes I do understand wanting to retain control.
I struggle with when to let go sometimes too.

It is true that the first Eragon book was sort of self published* to begin with, but picked up by a major publishing house, but I read somewhere that if it had been in the self published market for too long they would have never done anything with it.
(*his parents owned a small publishing company)

Definitely publish

As another graduate of Ft Sill (not ADA), I completely relate to the job search woes on top of coming to terms with deployment experiences. I can say without a doubt you have something worth publishing. It is something I would pay for. Keep it coming in one way or another. But, if you go outside of this site, let people know.

wonderful read

i hope that youcontinue the story line. this as well written. grea job!! keep the 'pen' going

Yes Continue Writing!!!!!!!!

You need to continue writing! If this were professionaly published i would definitely buy a copy can't wait to read more!

Very Short Read!

Too short- finished in two days enjoying every sentence! Wish I had your word flow but actually enjoy reading the caliber of your novel over writing mine.
Please continue writing and PLEASE inform me first when you submit!
Semper Fi,
Jack

Keep goin

Good story man. Will keep an eye out for more of your work.

Comment Responses 5/31/16

I first want to take a moment to thank everyone for their positive comments (especially my fellow cannon-cocker) and constructive recommendations. Thanks solely to your input I have documented two major and three minor corrections to be made to the final product as a result of your highly useful and greatly appreciated recommendations. I also have a list of notes that I will add to the author’s end notes in the published version. They will either address key issues people have had with this work that I refuse to change (because it would violate the spirit of the work or the reason I wrote it), or remind my readers that they will have to wait for subsequent volumes of my tale for the answers to their burning questions.

I have made a number of promises to my readers in this work, on my profile, and in the comments for this story. Many are positive, and reflect the respect I have for readers and what they want from their favorite authors. I am a voracious reader, and I can give no less to you than what I hope to receive from my own favorite authors. I do not make any promises idly, and I view any failure on my part to keep them as a failure of my integrity, which is one of my most cherished values.

For this reason, I have chosen the following comments to respond to, despite a preference to ignore them. I do this because I stated in my final notes for this work:

“And for you internet trolls out there…recall the fates of Bert, Tom, and William, and stay under your bridges and in your caves. Your ignorance is just as sensitive to the light of day.”

As much as I would like to simply reply by private message, these comments were made in a public forum and shall be responded in kind. I made a promise…and I keep my promises.

Smutol

You wrote [with some edits from me to correct typing errors]:
I get that the hero was chosen based on [his] skill set, but the amount of focus on guns makes it so that most [professional] soldiers could take [his] place providing enough firepower. There is [a] serious reason why the concept of magically creating gun ammo is NOT popular. It simply makes no sense. If the magic is so [powerful] it would be logically preferable to create bigger firewall/ fireball/other element based spells that are mainstream of magic (If not there are more others kinetic projectiles not based on gun powder). Also there is serious problem with couple of [mentions] of "freedom" as burst of bullets coming toward enemy. Does the [author] realize that the very same model of American freedom way the USA states as superior ( almost [non-existent] gun laws) to the outside world are seen as horribly inferior and that makes the story narrow the potential reader[s] that would share the writers point of view. End result is not enjoyable sadly, at least for me

My response:
[Sigh] Sadly you seemed to have missed a few key points in the story. As you are the first to mention them, I will keep an eye out to see if others share your views. No criticism is bad criticism; there is always room for improvement. However, some criticism is more constructive than others. To address your points:

1. He was NOT chosen for his skill set. In Chapter 10 (here on Lit it is on page 10, fifth paragraph) you will find the following inner thoughts of David:

“There were thousands of Special Operations soldiers roaming the hills of Afghanistan that would have been a much better choice. Professional badasses that could use the handful of weapons he had to defeat multiple armies single-handedly. Why was he here, instead of one of them?”

This clearly states that if it was just about shooting people and blowing stuff up then there were multiple better candidates available in his world. Why was he chosen? You WOULD be able to read part of the answer in volume three, as well as the final, complete answer in volume nine, but I doubt you will continue to follow this series.

2. The magic is NOT “so powerful”. Numerous times I stated that the average human’s magic is weak, and it is only through the Blessings of Eros that humans are able to do much with it. A significant portion of the population can do nothing at all (remember Exitibus?). The Dracians have much more powerful magic, but due to the conflict between their beliefs and those of Erosians the two societies do not interact that much. As for fireballs from their eyes, lightning bolts from their asses, firewalls or any of that other silly shit (assuming someone even had enough power to cast it)…who would teach them, and why? The clergy is the primary source of magical knowledge and training in this world, as explained by Laurena in Chapter 10 (here on Lit it is page 9, near the bottom). Why would a system of faith founded on love and preservation of life teach offensive magic? They wouldn’t. They teach defensive magic, a.k.a. protection, as described by Sapphire in chapter 9 (Lit page 19), as well as general magic specialized for the betterment of daily life (crafting, telekinesis for moving heavy items, cleaning, cooking, etc.).

As explained in the same section, magic is limited by power and imagination. There are VERY few magically gifted humans. Of that small percentage of the population, there are even fewer inclined to pursue hostile actions towards others. Within that ridiculously small group (probably less than 0.01% of the population) they would have little foundation for discovering such offensive magic. A shit ton of experimentation (of the trial and error variety) would have to occur for them to succeed. Doing that would bring them to the attention of the Inquisitor branch of the clergy (magical law enforcement) who would move swiftly to stop them in order to preserve the public welfare. That is what should have happened in Wolfsvale before Sapphire’s father was killed. Astinus screwed up, and he blames himself for that, which is why he had kept an eye on Sapphire ever since. He feels responsible. Further, Sapphire is described as having nearly as much power as the previous Champion (Chapter 19, Lit page 18 Ctrl+F “Ophelia”) and even she exhausted herself quickly using the minimal offensive magic she had managed to train herself to use. This story is not Diablo III, World of Warcraft, Elder Scrolls, etc. In this world magic is weak, defensive, and utilitarian. Sapphire is the most powerful Dracian in history (she is a main character after all, she is allowed to be special), and Laurena’s feeble magic is a perfect example of the average Erosian. Her failure was that as a priestess she should have been BETTER than average, but she was missing the additional power granted by her god to his faithful. Her natural potential was equal to a normal human WITH Eros Blessing (the magic he shared with his faithful during worship, not the sex). Her failure was that she was trying to be a priestess without it. Her superiors at the Great Temple knew exactly why she kept failing to pass her tests for priestess; it was only Laurena who was unwilling to accept her faults. David is the Champion of the Creator. Champion’s power comes from the deity that chose them. The Creator made the ENTIRE FRICKIN UNIVERSE to include the pantheon. His magical power is as great as a god’s, but his body is still mortal (Chapter 38, Lit page 34). This will continue to be a hindrance to him until he can find a way around it.

In a previous draft of this story I had a full chapter and a half of conversation between David and Zaffre (Sapphire’s mother) during his time at her home, in which most of the above information is spelled out in a glaringly obvious way…and it killed the pacing of the story (something I have received a number of comments about). I have read from multiple sources that sci-fi / fantasy readers are the hardest to write for, since they are on average the smartest and most critical group. I felt that beating my readers over the head with the obvious when most of them would easily be smart enough to figure this out on their own was a disservice to them and the story. It is unfortunate that I may lose those readers who need information spoon-fed to them, but I suspect that I will not miss their absence.

3. As far as the comments about 5.56mm hatred, 7.62mm ‘freedom’, etc. and your discussion of national superiority/inferiority…I am a United States Army ‘combat’ veteran. The above are popular and comical terms shared amongst our select brotherhood (and sisterhood). We like them, we laugh when others use them, and we don’t particularly care what others think regarding our usage of them. It was stated in my author’s note at the beginning that I was a veteran; specifically I am a veteran of the Afghanistan campaign Operation Enduring Freedom. This story is written from my own perspective, and it contains my feelings on a variety of social issues.

The absence of weapons and training to use them in a society does not make them ‘enlightened’, it makes them ‘victims’. I love my country, I love the few freedoms it still has, and I am NOT an apologist. I sacrificed for my country, I spilt blood for my freedom, and I will apologize for neither. The French and British have stringent gun laws, and their apologist policies of appeasement worked really well for them during WWII. I feel confident that similar policies regarding international terrorism will achieve similar results. I just finished a research paper on Active Shooter Incidents from 2000 to 2012 that conclusively proves attacking the shooter reduces casualties to ½ of those that occur if the victims run, and 1/3 of those that occur if victims hide and wait for police. Pacifist is just another name for the first one that dies. Fighting back saves lives.

I am a citizen of the only country to ever use atomic weapons in warfare. I am proud of that. Why? Because unlike so many people in ‘enlightened’ societies around the globe, I have seen firsthand the barbarism of my enemies. The only thing they respect is fear. The steal from their friends, they lie to their (tribal) neighbors, they attack anyone that is different than them; but they don’t fuck with people they fear. The safety of my family, friends, and country is secured by the barrel of a gun. Hate me all you want, just remember this moment. I assure you that when you are attacked (with beliefs like yours it is inevitable), and you cry to me and mine for help, my mind will recall with clarity your views. I will still help, because that is who I am, but I might just take my time in doing so.

4. As to the narrowing of my audience. Opinions and perspectives like mine are horribly under-represented in fiction. Far too many authors are fixated on pandering to the masses, rather than writing a genuine, compelling story which deeply moves a few. I am not that. Writing is not my job, nor have I ever planned on it being. This story was a boredom inspired distraction that turned into excellent self-therapy, which then turned into something I wanted to share, and now I wonder if I can sell it. I plan to sell it cheap. It is more important to me to continue the story, and thus my therapy, than become famous. I don’t want fame. I don’t have a Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, or any other social media account, because I enjoy my anonymity. I chose to share this story because it is full of my emotions and my recovery. It has a power to it, which might just reach those who can benefit from it. Many of the comments on this site have touched me, but the most valuable one came from Docfluffy, because he is another disabled veteran who struggles with similar psychological issues. If he had not read this story, he may have never thought of, or been inspired to use writing as therapy. I don’t know if it will help him, but if my story can in any way help my brother and sister veterans then it is my duty to get this message into their hands. I can reach some through Lit, I can reach many, many more by publishing.

Final note for Smutol: I respect your right to have an opinion. I applaud you in having enough courage in your own convictions to share it in a public forum. I have no desire to get into a political / social debate on an erotic literature site. It would be pointless. If you read this, and it causes a change of heart then send a message to me directly. I will accept your apology for your failure to check your facts before you posted. I have made mistakes of my own. It happens. The key to being a mature responsible adult is to acknowledge your failings, take responsibility for them, and seek to learn from them so they are not repeated. If not, I have kept my word: to respond to my readers, and to hold the trolls accountable.

Ozkiwi

You wrote:
One of my only concerns was pacing, in that the training was probably about 2 months worth particularly the sword, bo-stick, knife, unarmed, and gun training, rather than the 3 or 4 days worth. The other, was that having a philosophy degree that David had… [remaining message removed as immaterial]

My response:
1. The training occurred from 261000MAR13 DW (10:00 AM March 26, 2013) to 060800APR13 DW
(08:00 AM April 06, 2013). This was ten days (not 3-4), fourteen hours a day, of intense one-on-one training. The intensity was not nearly as limited as it is our own world because, as stated in that section of the book, they could heal themselves. No risk of permanent injures, thus no need to hold back during training. Further, I specifically stated that both Sapphire and Laurena had strengths and weaknesses that either aided, or hampered their development. Reference this quote from chapter 35 (Lit page 32, middle of the page):

David wished their improvement across the board had been better, but he realized they were being taught a massive amount in a very short time. It was to be expected that individual differences in style would affect their progress. The important part was that each of the women would be able to protect themselves if the shit hit the fan, and that counted for a lot.

Notice the key words “protect themselves”. They did not become overnight super soldiers. They were taught basic self-defense and basic weapons knowledge.

They received three to four hours of firearms training a day for ten days. That is 30 to 40 hours of shooting under the careful tutelage of an experienced instructor. I received less than 3 hours of shooting time TOTAL during my ten weeks of basic training. It didn’t matter, because I had owned an AR-15 for four years before I enlisted and was more than proficient with it before I joined. Even after that, only Sapphire was effective, and that was because she had a natural skill with the weapon. It happens. I watched someone in my basic training class that had never held a gun before he enlisted shoot expert (really hard to do in basic training) on his first attempt. Later in my career I personally qualified expert with a M320 grenade launcher on my first attempt, having never fired one before. They did let me shoot two “warm-up” rounds first. Sometimes people are naturally gifted. Laurena is an atrocious shot despite David’s best efforts, and that fact was highlighted during the final fight scene.

The same applies to the sword/stick and knife training. I do not know how to sword-fight. David does not know how to sword-fight. I/he does have substantial training in escrima, and he adapted that knowledge for the benefit of himself and the women. There is a reason that he uses a pair of short swords approximately 26” in length (standard length of an escrima stick). His novice status with swords will be apparent when he meets a real swordsman in Vol 2 (I have enlisted the aid of a close friend who IS an accomplished swordsman for help writing this section). He is not a master knife-fighter; he is as skilled with a blade as I am. I was trained by a master, and I am not even in my mentor’s league. Against a skilled opponent I/he would have trouble winning without receiving a mortal wound. Against a minimally skilled opponent I/he would be as successful as he was during that fight in Wolfsvale, winning in the end, but being wounded (possibly mortally) in the process. However, I have successfully trained others in only a few hours to be able to defeat unskilled opponents. Most of the ne’er-do-wells in Erosius are unskilled opponents. They do not live in a society that teaches martial combat, so what little talent they have is dedicated to threats and intimidation, and thus not much of a threat to a true warrior.

David knows elements of a variety of unarmed combat styles, but he has no formal training. David is a more skilled martial-artist than I am. But even I can teach someone the basics of self-defense in a few hours, and I can certify them in Army Combatives Level One in 40 hours. David spent more than 40 hours on unarmed combat during those 10 days, and Army Combatives Level One is the skill level that both women are currently at. I know of no parallel between the Army certification standards and traditional martial arts’ belt systems, so I cannot hazard a guess at what a comparable ‘belt’ level would be. I did not receive formal martial arts training until the Army. My mentor knew I was going to see combat, so he spent the six months before I left for Basic Training teaching me how to survive. He did not teach me to defend myself, he taught me to kill the enemy before they killed me.

I did not pull this information from the ether, I have taught all of the above techniques, to the levels described in this story, in the amount of time stated. It is not only possible, I have done it. Disbelieving something you know little about simply because it seems implausible does not enrich your life, nor will it enrich your enjoyment of my continuing works. As I stated in my final authors notes, “When I wrote the David character, I knew what I was talking about.”

2. David does not have a philosophy degree. He has a psychology degree (Chapter 1, Lit page 2 Ctrl+F “Psychology”). The only philosophizing he did in college was the rhetorical question “Why the hell do I need six credits of a foreign language for a B.S. in Psychology?”

To everyone else who has chosen to leave comments, please do not allow my responses to these two individuals reduce your willingness to help me improve this story. Go back to my other comments, and look at the number of times that I apologized for mistakes in the story, and outside of it, and vowed to fix them. There are five, because I have each one written on a notepad in front of me right now. Also look at the number of times I chose to politely explain why I would not make the changes the person suggested. These were instances in which I valued their input; and their suggestions and concerns are on the second page of that notepad. They will be addressed in my Author’s final notes for the self-published version.

Please continue to comment. Your constructive feedback, rendered in a positive way, has already greatly enhanced this story, and will continue to do so. Just make sure to check your facts, and keep your opinions about politics, society, etc. out of them. If you don’t like the message, stop reading. I never wanted to please everyone with this story. It is intended to cater to a vastly under represented audience. That is why I have chosen to self-publish this work. Any publishing company who would be interested in it would want to ‘fix’ parts that are not broken in an effort to appeal to more people. I will never fault a reader for walking away from this series, or having a different opinion than I do. But please realize that your opinions about the deeper meanings and sub-text of my story, no matter how passionately expressed, will never change ‘what’ I write, only ‘how’ I write it.

SE101

Excellent...

Easily one of the best writers I've read on this site (and a first submission, too!). Character development was outstanding, background was solid, the world was a fun mix of religions/ideologies/cultures, the sex was hot and powerful because it wasn't cheap and fed the story. You are an excellent story teller and I hope to see you continue to write either here or as a self-publish. Also, as a fellow combat veteran, thank you for your service and sacrifice. I hope that this outlet continues to help you overcome whatever things continue to haunt you. I appreciate how you have been able to weave at least a portion of what it can be like to live with PTSD in your story.

Glorious

Absolutely Glorious.

Well Done! Thank You

The story pulled me in and held me there till the end (of this first installment?)
I compliment you on the ease with which you shift from one reality base to another. The support and training scenes at the beginning were graphically realistic. So to were the scenes after David transitioned to the new world. Not many authors are able to have such a jarring change occur seamlessly. The two moons were a nice touch.
A suggestion for your convenience and to help those not used to military acronyms. Instead of Using the initials, followed by the full phrase, within the text and as part of the dialogue, how about creating a glossary of terms? That way non-military experienced readers can have a list to refer back to as needed.
One question I have, and it may have a simple solution I missed in my reading, is the difference in technology and the telling of time in Eroseus. You refer to events of the day based on sunrise or (meeting someone) at sunset. Yet during the final battle scene David assigns quadrants of defense to Learena and Sapphire as "Your sector of fire is from the 10 o'clock to the 2 o'clock. Laurena, move to Sapphire's right and cover the 2 o'clock to the six." I am not trying to pick nits, just genuinely curious about the telling of time and understanding whether the two ladies would recognize the positions on the face of a clock.
The secret Cabal comprised of the evil Night lords are of interest, and hopefully they will be dispatched forthwith in the next installment?
I look forward to see where you take the two Champions in the future.

Creative and clever start to a series

In terms of writing: maybe a little too detailed occasionally but mostly well paced. Excellent dialogue with some beautiful occasional one-liners. In terms of plot, wow. Love the twist at the end. The juxtaposition of natural and supernatural and "magic" is an almost impossible feat to credibly pull off, and damn if it doesn't work here. More technically, the suspension of disbelief - which fails in much contemporary commercial entertainment - is pulled off here. Personally I just finished rereading Longhorn's "Uncertain Justice" a second time - completely different premises and devices but similar political foundation. Speaking of politics, I am an old man and apologize for what we are leaving the author's generation. Threat of litigation governs our entires existence. Our leaders are a joke interested only in power. Good jobs are difficult to find - world wide, unemployment is the largest issue most places face. The only good thing is at least the vets aren't blamed for the stupidity of the wars now in progress unlike Vietnam where the stupid public blamed the GIs for Johnson's and Nixon's arrogant incompetency and megalomania. Sorry to rant - you struck a chord with me...
Back to the story - can't wait for the next bit. Unusually well done.

Doggone it SE101 - you are good...

Don't know if this was on purpose or accidental. One of the most influential writers of the last century - Robert A. Heinlein (also a warrior) - always chose the names of his characters carefully, especially in his later books.
David: Beloved, friend
Laurena: Honor, victory
Sapphire: Gem, beautiful
Ophelia: Help, serpentine
Astinus: Loyal, emotionless [although we know he loved Ophelia deeply]
Zaffre: responsible, self-sufficient, and dependable
Need I go on? Well done SE101. Your story is better than at least 80% of the crap Hollywood writers are turning out now.

Couldn't put it down!

Please continue this fantastic story here on literotica. If not let us know where we can get it. Thanks so much for your service from one who also served but did not suffer as you have. Hope all goes well for you for the future.

Very interesting

Looking forward to the next installments

Well Done

You did a great job can't wait for the next installment

Comment Responses 6/01/16

Thank you all for your comments and support! This story just moved up to Rank 101 on the Top Rated Stories in category Sci-Fi & Fantasy for all time list. I’m a 101st Airborne veteran with the ID of ScreamingEagle101 and my first story on Lit is ranked 101. How frikkin’ awesome would it be if it stayed there! Now to respond to some great comments…

Kuhpa01

You wrote: How long did you spend all together in writing this one?

My response:
It took me six months to write this. Part of that was the result of major outline and story direction changes that resulted in re-writes. My story has a rough outline for all nine books, but my mind is constantly working so if I have a really good idea I force myself to work it in. I have four other stories I want to write - in addition to the Champions Saga - but as an avid reader I hate when one of my favorite authors puts an excellent story on hold to work on another project, rather than just finishing it [cough, FinalStand, cough]. Sometimes what I write is forced, and I catch it in the editing phase and do a re-write. I have currently put my writing of Volume Two on hold because I am fixing the ending of Volume One. I did a poor job of ‘content’ editing the final three chapters (and epilogue), and I want to correct that. I was in a rush to finish, and it shows. As far as Volume Two goes, I have only written two chapters so far, and one of them was strictly written for the purposes of including it in the final self-published version. I imagine the rough version of Volume 2 will be posted here on Lit near the end of 2016 beginning of 2017. Also, I have editors now, and they are working diligently on my behalf.

Tw0Cr0ws

You wrote: Is self publishing really your only option?

My response: No. I have friends of friends that work in publishing. One of those people is actually in charge of recruiting / discovering new authors. However, I have no sample works, no history of success, and no educational background in writing to help persuade them. This is the FIRST thing I have ever written. I have no other works to prove that this first installment isn’t just a one-off, and even if it is not my writing is not really ‘mass consumer’ friendly. So I will self-publish the first three volumes of Champions: (1) Awakening, (2) Trials, and (3) [untitled so far]. If I do well enough, I imagine that some publishing company out there will want a piece of the pie. They must be willing to work with me. First drafts of this story will always be posted here, for all nine volumes. Period. I will never change my story in order to appeal to a larger audience. If a publisher is willing to work within those guidelines, I would happily allow them access to print based publishing of this work. Digital publishing will most likely always remain in my control. The work involved is so minimal there is no reason to share the profits with a publisher whose effort in that realm is next to nothing. It is the same reason I refuse to pay a company to format this story for digital printing. Amazon has an excellent 20 page pdf that is an amazingly detailed and helpful guide to e-reader formatting for self-publishing authors. Why pay someone else to do something that I can easily do for free.

Anonymous #1

You wrote: … as a fellow combat veteran…I appreciate how you have been able to weave at least a portion of what it can be like to live with PTSD in your story.

My response: Thank you. This story is for us (veterans). I will continue to include how each of the characters struggle with PTSD in the remaining works. As you know, combat changes you, and dealing with those changes is a lifelong struggle. Too many authors who have not been there and not experienced combat fail to realize its true cost. PTSD is not a plot device, it is not a character defect, and it is not an excuse for immoral or unethical behavior. It is the inevitable result of a person with a conscience being forced to experience unconscionable things.

rightbank

You wrote: … during the final battle scene David assigns quadrants of defense to Learena and Sapphire as "Your sector of fire is from the 10 o'clock to the 2 o'clock. Laurena, move to Sapphire's right and cover the 2 o'clock to the six." I am not trying to pick nits, just genuinely curious about the telling of time and understanding whether the two ladies would recognize the positions on the face of a clock.

My response:
Sundials have been in use since ancient times. The Greek Sundial is the foundation of modern clock faces, and since Erosius is inhabited by the descendants of the Erosian faithful from ancient Greece, it would make sense that this society would pick up the concept quickly.

However, I did forget to add one sentence in that section explaining how David taught them clock-based sectors of fire (the safest way to teach minimally trained personnel to not shoot each other accidentally). Thank you for the comment; because one of my editors already missed this (the second one has not gotten back to me yet) and without your input I may never have caught this mistake.

gatorhermit

Regarding your post about names:

David was chosen because it is as popular and as commonly found as my own name, but it is nowhere close to my name. Laurena was chosen because it is a minor change from the middle name of a woman I have known for over 12 years, whom the character is, roughly, modeled after. David’s team members were given names similar, but not identical, to the men I served with. That way if they ever read this they will know I wrote it. The rest of the names WERE chosen intentionally because of the deeper meanings their names signified. Thanks for noticing.

SE101

Pressed the wrong star on the vote but really enjoyed the story, gutted it ended, and can't wait for more. Keep writing and share as soon as.

RLM-unknown reader

I've been a literotica reader for a few years. I wanted to tell you I appreciate your writing very much and hope to see the next of the trilogies.
Thank you.

Awesome

Thank you for sharing this awesome story with us. It was a great read. Can't wait for the next installment. Your are a very talented writer. Thank you again.

Retired, USA

Excellent work. Keep it up.

thanks

First story - excellent. Well done. Yes, more would be welcome!