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English
car crash?
What car crash, and how can a body be full of sand?
Could have been good.
Continue?
I thought it was alright. Just needed a bit more editing. I'd like one of these kinds of stories to continue but it feels like negative reviews kill it before they gain traction. Keep on writing and I'll keep on reading
Grammar!
More editing, but it has promise
Shades of Gilligan's - errr, JAKE's Island --
How many of the women will he have to service before they take him off the movie set?
Needs improvement
Great idea, but it need improvement. There is alot of build up and then very little actual love making. Although it's realistic it doesn't make for the best story. Also, get an editor
Suggestions? Get an editor!!!
YOUR/YOU'RE
if "your" could be replaced with "you are" in a sentence, it should be "you're", not "your", as in these quotes from this chapter:
I just noticed your not looking too good
Well, your right, I just, had a bad day I guess
If your there then it is
Well it's just your a beautiful woman
your covered up and that's all that matters
CAR CRASH?
At one point, your main character thinks about a CAR crash. Shouldn't this be a PLANE crash?
FLOOR?
On at least two occasions, you refer to the "floor". Unless the island is tiled and/or carpeted, I think you mean the "ground".
A competent editor could/should catch these problems (and more), improving your story's readability.
-Rei
Nice work...
First impressions... great concept, good writing, and you didn't wander. You need an editor, though. Nobody gets it perfect unless they're an english major, and you need the spit and polish that a good editor can help you achieve. Keep at it man, I enjoyed this.
Good start
I think the the previous comments said it all, looking forward to chapter 2
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