The first three comments were pretty far off target.
1. I didn't see any glaring grammar or spelling issues. Editing is usually good, but can also spoil a fine product.
2. You had a great balance of lead-up and action.
3. I liked the length and the climax (pun intended) was a great stopping point. It's not a novel, yet, but you have plenty of room to develop if you want, just leave it at that.
incest is off the table so that leaves us with taboo. So a mid-40's single man has consensual sex with an 18 year old female. I guess in some people's eyes that would be taboo but not mine. Not a bad little flash erotic encounter. Some strange sentence structure but not badly written.
...for having my back teecee53! Truth is, I did hurry to finish and missed a few things edit-wise at the very end. I felt pretty good about most of the writing though!
Wondering if you skimmed BuzzCzar. Guy is married and having an affair with his son's best friend. I know it could probably have fallen under erotic couplings but went with taboo. Your comment on sentence structure kind of cracked me up. I like my sentence structure, man!
I really enjoyed the story, and found it well written and erotic.
And like a couple of others who commented on here, found it way to short.
I agree the story was completed, and the old show biz, legend, is leave them wanting more. That you certainly did.
Maybe getting the son involved, would add to the story, who knows. But thanks for posting this. It did have,The Who, Where, What and the When, that all stories need.
Guess we are just a bit greedy. :)
by
Anonymous06/03/16
What of it there was, was really, hot and really well written....
....but it was woefully incomplete, left us hanging with its overtly, even rudely abrupt ending.
Also, your characterization, again what of it there is, is quite good. But it is also woefully incomplete at this point, we have a horny old man (well older than the teens all around) raging to fuck a teen girl, with a live-in son (is there a wife? Where? How does she figure in? Does the son fuck her?)
And we know little to nothing of them beyond the scant character d velvet you offer.
Please continue, but please, please put more effort into humanizing your characters.
Thank you.
...I have a life and write this stuff for fun and not artistic fulfillment...so I have trouble going the extra mile. Maybe some day I will manage one complete and satisfying erotic offering. Thanks for all the feedback though. Very fun for me to read.
by
Anonymous06/03/16
great start!
I may not have noticed grammatical problems at all, but, because of the comments, I read with one eye on grammar. Other than one typo error part way through, all I noticed was an uncertainty in the beginning about whether to speak in the first (I) or second person (you). That could have been intentional on your part. It was hot. I liked it. Keep going.
English
Good start
Need longer sequels
Longer
Why on earth did you stop there? Side note, not very incestual.
NOT TOO BAD
WHAT YOU "REALLY, REALLY " NEED TO DO IS SLOWLY PROOF READ BEFORE YOU SUBMIT....... ON YOUR NEXT INSTALLMENT ;)
Much bettert than not bad
The first three comments were pretty far off target.
1. I didn't see any glaring grammar or spelling issues. Editing is usually good, but can also spoil a fine product.
2. You had a great balance of lead-up and action.
3. I liked the length and the climax (pun intended) was a great stopping point. It's not a novel, yet, but you have plenty of room to develop if you want, just leave it at that.
ps, I need an editor, too.
Sorry for the spelling in the title. and I meant it was good as it is or you could continue. In any case, keep writing...
Incest?
incest is off the table so that leaves us with taboo. So a mid-40's single man has consensual sex with an 18 year old female. I guess in some people's eyes that would be taboo but not mine. Not a bad little flash erotic encounter. Some strange sentence structure but not badly written.
Thanks...
...for having my back teecee53! Truth is, I did hurry to finish and missed a few things edit-wise at the very end. I felt pretty good about most of the writing though!
Clarificatiin
Wondering if you skimmed BuzzCzar. Guy is married and having an affair with his son's best friend. I know it could probably have fallen under erotic couplings but went with taboo. Your comment on sentence structure kind of cracked me up. I like my sentence structure, man!
Nice
Too short. You did a great job building things up then ended it too quickly.
Agreed Jezalane
I stopped short but just kind of ran out of creative steam and needed to let it go. I am weirdly compulsive that way.
Taboo or not to Taboo, that is the question.
I really enjoyed the story, and found it well written and erotic.
And like a couple of others who commented on here, found it way to short.
I agree the story was completed, and the old show biz, legend, is leave them wanting more. That you certainly did.
Maybe getting the son involved, would add to the story, who knows. But thanks for posting this. It did have,The Who, Where, What and the When, that all stories need.
Guess we are just a bit greedy. :)
What of it there was, was really, hot and really well written....
....but it was woefully incomplete, left us hanging with its overtly, even rudely abrupt ending.
Also, your characterization, again what of it there is, is quite good. But it is also woefully incomplete at this point, we have a horny old man (well older than the teens all around) raging to fuck a teen girl, with a live-in son (is there a wife? Where? How does she figure in? Does the son fuck her?)
And we know little to nothing of them beyond the scant character d velvet you offer.
Please continue, but please, please put more effort into humanizing your characters.
Thank you.
The problem is...
...I have a life and write this stuff for fun and not artistic fulfillment...so I have trouble going the extra mile. Maybe some day I will manage one complete and satisfying erotic offering. Thanks for all the feedback though. Very fun for me to read.
great start!
I may not have noticed grammatical problems at all, but, because of the comments, I read with one eye on grammar. Other than one typo error part way through, all I noticed was an uncertainty in the beginning about whether to speak in the first (I) or second person (you). That could have been intentional on your part. It was hot. I liked it. Keep going.
I totally get running out of steam....
....how fickle is the erotica muse! ;)
Thank you for sharing. Uber sexy.
Short but sexy
You made my old cock hard.
Hope you will write more chapters
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Jemma or
More submissions by AckleyPrince.