Party Madness

Suggestion

Hi! You mentioned at the start that you were looking for constructive criticism. Can I suggest that you review your use of commas? There are so many where they aren't needed, and I genuinely found myself thrown out of your story because they were putting breaks in your sentences and chopping them up. By the end of your first paragraph the flow was already lost and I had to push really hard to want to read the rest. If you use a semicolon in the first instance; then you can still go and separate an extra break or two within the same sentence, like this.

I hope this is of some help, and I hope to see more work from you soon.