All Comments on 'Kindred Strangers - Scene 01'

but I think it could use some prodigious trimming. The imagery works, but becomes a bit overwhelming. You have some nice metaphors, but as the poems goes along, it becomes a parade a different metaphors none really tieing into the other. I think if you stuck to one or two metaphors and developed them throughout the poem it would be so much more focused.

I like the use of rhyme, but you will need to either develop a rhyme scheme from the beginning or else make your closing stanzas only rhyme sporatically. Here you have free verse, slip into a rhyme, then change up the scheme. As you went into the rhyme, most of your lines ended when you ended the thought, which gave the rhyme a bit of a forced feel. I think if you enjambed those lines, it would avoid that feel.

I think you have a wonderful poem here, but I think it is about half as long as what you presently have. Trim it back and work a bit on the rhyme and this poem will shimmer.

jim : )

have i seen this, felt this, in my head.

And I've seen it in her eyes....but we are both afraid to make the move...

~sigh~

Thanks for showing me it does happen

and that I'm not the only one who feels this way

Thank you

I really am enjoying the luxuriant the way you've set the scene...I've yet to read Pt.2, but whatever the fate of these two, wanted to thank you for your really rather romantic contribution on here...I like the note of hope, freshness and wonder it adds to things, as someone who has known love at first sight - and that love was a lasting, meaningful one that went on for years!! Yes, really *lol*.

Oddly, years after losing that love, I'm finding myself in the same at-first-sight scenario again - and once bitten, you know..so I'm cynical and jaded. Only when I read this did I experience a revival of hope for myself, even if it's only due to wishful thinking and good writing :)

- (Maybe you believe in it too, (love - of some kind or duration - at first sight?) I don't know, but you write like you know your subject. So way to go...

Your words have a way of making everyday scenes very vivid to me, the reader, (I see a w/c painting forming in my mind actually), but they also sparkle with something starry and otherworldly..maybe it's that wonder I was going on about? *l* :)

And making the everyday world fade into a dream is, to me, the essence of what the first few moments and days and firsts of romance and love are about. There! I'm raving like an idiot! *lol* You're good stuff!! Hope to keep seeing your poems here !! :) (And like the quote on your bio page ;-)