For one, I don't remember it Two, I don't know how to rate it. I almost thought they would reconcile. Luckily they did not. But now who is more fucked up? Please, no sequel. None of us need to know.
no rating
by
Anonymous06/22/16
Forgiveness heals you too.
I can not say anything about Iraq or Iran other than those were extremely brave men and woman. I can tell you about watching the sun rise in the air over Vietnam though. A divorce sent me back to later face 6 months in and out of hospitals and 9 surgeries to walk again. I followed you characters until the unwell ting end. I agree the chorus she was deserves pain but if this man really had loved her your ending paints him as badly as her. It's ashame you could have at least left them better off. As children we all made some teribble chooses and your storie I though could help them at least forgive and heal. I started reading only after my last surgey and forget they are just stories. I hope your more forgiving than you character. GWG
Two people completly "fucked up"!!! She was trying to kill herself, fucking around...Why? We'll never know, how she got there...He was damaged because of her actions and because of the war...Just two issues about the story: 1st - Her relations with her father were destroyed because he found out she was fucking a black man in a street and she was worried he sent the video to her father? How could that destroy what was already destroyed? 2nd - She saw in the News that he had been wounded and didn't thought it could have been serious, even worst than what happened to him? Why was she shocked by his scar? His true wounds were inside his head, just like hers...2*
Your portrayal of Margot is a cardboard unrealistic character. We don't get any sense that this is a real person from your pathetic misogynistic writing. Carl is a psychotically sick fuck and so are you for writing such sick garbage. I do think he's a realistic character. I think he's you. Just because he served does not make him a good person.
An interesting, non formula plot for a change! 5. He never forgave her, she never asked for it, they both knew that was as impossible as a dead man forgiving his killer. Still, the remnants of their former relationship allowed them to meet again in Hell and share a moment of sex, misery and disgust. Very real.
Just a sad story all around. The last couple paragraphs felt rushed in comparison to the rest.
by
Anonymous06/22/16
Good practice at melodrama and dispair.
Really tragic fucked up people, well almost. Carl will be fine. Pharmacy school and VA benefits and still relatively healthy. Margot does not make sense, but her character was good to practice on, I guess. Her descent into debauchery and whoredom hardly follows from cheating on her husband and being divorced. Probably similar things have happened to a good number of her high school friends; no big deal. But I understand you wanted to create this whole scenario where she is the lost worthless guilt ridden whore and he is a despondent wounded warrior still suffering from her betrayal. So it read like kind of a practice effort from a writing class. Which is what Literotica is for those intelligent enough to take advantage of it, a huge real time writing class.
I give your effort a B for emotion and dark energy. The plot itself is weak, even confusing, but not important in this exercise. Fold this into a more coherent and understandable story and you have a real compelling story that could be gripping.
The writing was decent,and I can appreciate the ideas in the story and even the ending.That said could ge rewritten or added to.Margot says that he was her problem,but why? Was it she realized she loved him and it caused her to slip into being an alcoholic nympho,or was she devastated by the way people viewed her? The ending is a dark one, but in the end neither had ended things and it will eat at them,until they finally move on.It also raises questions about Margot and why she did what she did..it is obviously she came to despise him,cheating then trying to get him jailed,but why? There is room to add to to make it more full.
Didn't make to much sense. So she s worried about her family finding out she is a slut. Yet he divorces her for cheating. I'm sure her family already knows what kinda slut she is. He is shocked that his prudish ex wife would fuck 2 guys, yet didn't he catch her fucking his friend. Sorry just but this is a little dumb.
A good first effort for sure. The story did feel somewhat unfinished as I got the impression there were still strong feelings between them. The scene where she sucked him off is a bit off the wall, perhaps an effort at atonement on her part, but it did not seem to give closure. We do only have his view of things, so as a writing exercise you might want to try and write the story from her point of view which could be interesting.
Editing: "I tapped him on the lightly shoulder" - Should be either."I tapped him lightly on the shoulder" or "I tapped him on the shoulder lightly".
This would have been a 3 star, 4 star tops, but I gave it 5 to counteract misandrist SharedSigne. How she can see this as misogynist when even the wronged ex doesn't think she deserved her fate is beyond me!
Her side needs to look at the event and include the aftermath of the encounter... Your choice, not ours whether the result is good or bad. But, there needs to be a final outcome for both
It feels like an episode of the human condition that can stand alone and can also be part of a bigger life story. You're write well and I'd love to see more of your efforts.
by
Anonymous06/22/16
I liked it!
Yes, it felt a bit unfinished but believe that is what the author wanted. If not, he was a blind pig finding an acorn.
Too short, it could have been expanded out to perhaps five pages, but this left us wanting more. 5 stars from me.
The story was never boring and it was totally unpredictable. The plot was good, the tension palpable. The philosophy behind the main conclusion was sound. No RAAC here, and no BTB, just a great coming of age life story. Five stars! ***** p.s. Maybe this is what pro writing is all about.
There were plenty of reasons that were revealed as the story progressed, the least of which were the enmity between the protagonist and Billy over Margot.
A badly scarred and maimed vet who suffers extreme PTSD who is assaulted and threatened with potential deadly weapon. Instinct, training, and rage take over after that. I spend a lot of time with vets who suffer PTSD and they have paid an enormous price.
Two broken people, broken lives,not much more to tell and yet...
Don't we want to find out more? Her failures, her inadequacies, her flawed personality, his post-war stressors, his lack of real closure, his confused sense of reality; don't they all lead us to want to find out more. Does he put a bullet in her head, in his own. Does she eventually overdose on some synthetic chemical or does she simply step into traffic? Both are bent on self-destructive paths. I foresee no redemption for either, depressing.
I gave it a five.
By the way the personalized nonsexual oral activity was totally unnecessary except as added proof she'd fallen as far as she had.
Do you remember the concluding line from Queen Elizabeth in the old movie "Shakespeare in Love"? Next time write something funny, a comedy!
This is a complex little flash story. Five stars. Very well written. It does deserve more exploration. She was obviously dealing with demons regarding how the marriage fell apart. And yet she never reaches back out to him. I guess she realized he would never forgive her. I think it deserves more, because the authorial voice seemed to hint that their brief interaction could possibly bring healing and resolution to both of them. And then suddenly he cuts it off.
English
This has been posted before
Why is it posted in new? Either the author is reposting it for some reason, or it's been ripped off, either now or before. So, author, why is it here?
I've read this before, did you rip it off another writer?
Two people say you ripped this off?
If you did I have a suggestion for you. Next time rip off something better.
Fucked up the title
Margo in the title, Margot in the story. That can't be good.
Damn
For one, I don't remember it Two, I don't know how to rate it. I almost thought they would reconcile. Luckily they did not. But now who is more fucked up? Please, no sequel. None of us need to know.
no rating
Forgiveness heals you too.
I can not say anything about Iraq or Iran other than those were extremely brave men and woman. I can tell you about watching the sun rise in the air over Vietnam though. A divorce sent me back to later face 6 months in and out of hospitals and 9 surgeries to walk again. I followed you characters until the unwell ting end. I agree the chorus she was deserves pain but if this man really had loved her your ending paints him as badly as her. It's ashame you could have at least left them better off. As children we all made some teribble chooses and your storie I though could help them at least forgive and heal. I started reading only after my last surgey and forget they are just stories. I hope your more forgiving than you character. GWG
Why
did he not help her?
Two people completly "fucked up"!!!
Two people completly "fucked up"!!! She was trying to kill herself, fucking around...Why? We'll never know, how she got there...He was damaged because of her actions and because of the war...Just two issues about the story: 1st - Her relations with her father were destroyed because he found out she was fucking a black man in a street and she was worried he sent the video to her father? How could that destroy what was already destroyed? 2nd - She saw in the News that he had been wounded and didn't thought it could have been serious, even worst than what happened to him? Why was she shocked by his scar? His true wounds were inside his head, just like hers...2*
Minus 10 stars
Your portrayal of Margot is a cardboard unrealistic character. We don't get any sense that this is a real person from your pathetic misogynistic writing. Carl is a psychotically sick fuck and so are you for writing such sick garbage. I do think he's a realistic character. I think he's you. Just because he served does not make him a good person.
Interesting Plot
An interesting, non formula plot for a change! 5. He never forgave her, she never asked for it, they both knew that was as impossible as a dead man forgiving his killer. Still, the remnants of their former relationship allowed them to meet again in Hell and share a moment of sex, misery and disgust. Very real.
WTF ?
What was that ?
That made absolutely zero sense.
Something I've rarely done
1*
4 stars
I liked it. Dont let the negative people push you out.
Just a sad story all around. The last couple paragraphs felt rushed in comparison to the rest.
Good practice at melodrama and dispair.
Really tragic fucked up people, well almost. Carl will be fine. Pharmacy school and VA benefits and still relatively healthy. Margot does not make sense, but her character was good to practice on, I guess. Her descent into debauchery and whoredom hardly follows from cheating on her husband and being divorced. Probably similar things have happened to a good number of her high school friends; no big deal. But I understand you wanted to create this whole scenario where she is the lost worthless guilt ridden whore and he is a despondent wounded warrior still suffering from her betrayal. So it read like kind of a practice effort from a writing class. Which is what Literotica is for those intelligent enough to take advantage of it, a huge real time writing class.
I give your effort a B for emotion and dark energy. The plot itself is weak, even confusing, but not important in this exercise. Fold this into a more coherent and understandable story and you have a real compelling story that could be gripping.
Good luck with future writing efforts.
Different
The writing was decent,and I can appreciate the ideas in the story and even the ending.That said could ge rewritten or added to.Margot says that he was her problem,but why? Was it she realized she loved him and it caused her to slip into being an alcoholic nympho,or was she devastated by the way people viewed her? The ending is a dark one, but in the end neither had ended things and it will eat at them,until they finally move on.It also raises questions about Margot and why she did what she did..it is obviously she came to despise him,cheating then trying to get him jailed,but why? There is room to add to to make it more full.
3*
Didn't make to much sense. So she s worried about her family finding out she is a slut. Yet he divorces her for cheating. I'm sure her family already knows what kinda slut she is. He is shocked that his prudish ex wife would fuck 2 guys, yet didn't he catch her fucking his friend. Sorry just but this is a little dumb.
A good first effort for sure. The story did feel somewhat unfinished as I got the impression there were still strong feelings between them. The scene where she sucked him off is a bit off the wall, perhaps an effort at atonement on her part, but it did not seem to give closure. We do only have his view of things, so as a writing exercise you might want to try and write the story from her point of view which could be interesting.
Thoughts
Editing: "I tapped him on the lightly shoulder" - Should be either."I tapped him lightly on the shoulder" or "I tapped him on the shoulder lightly".
This would have been a 3 star, 4 star tops, but I gave it 5 to counteract misandrist SharedSigne. How she can see this as misogynist when even the wronged ex doesn't think she deserved her fate is beyond me!
@Anonymous Re: "Fucked up title"
YOU'RE the one who is fucked up!
It's "Margot" in both the title and the story!
I have to agree with Sidney43
Her side needs to look at the event and include the aftermath of the encounter... Your choice, not ours whether the result is good or bad. But, there needs to be a final outcome for both
Good story
It feels like an episode of the human condition that can stand alone and can also be part of a bigger life story. You're write well and I'd love to see more of your efforts.
I liked it!
Yes, it felt a bit unfinished but believe that is what the author wanted. If not, he was a blind pig finding an acorn.
Too short, it could have been expanded out to perhaps five pages, but this left us wanting more. 5 stars from me.
Nicely Written
I moves like a chinese swordfight lightly from point to point
Is there a chapter missing?
The story started well then seemed to miss out a middle then ended, should be fleshed out somewhat to give a better picture of their lives.
you tried.
I'll give you credit for that.
Interesting Story
Thanks for an interesting story. Lots of blanks for the reader to fill in, which I think is good and effective on balance.
Both souls are screwed up. Margot, because that is who she is. Our Vet, because he decided to marry the wrong woman.
I don't know
There is a lot missing in this story. A lot of blanks and undeveloped plot.
This story needed more imput
It really is not finished. To much left out. To short.
Peculiar
Two damaged characters moving tentatively towards reconciliation and then he explodes in a blind rage for no obvious reason. Strange story.
Good Story***
Thanks for sharing.
two broken people
in a fractured story.
no joy in mudville
1*
What a mess.
Totally brilliant!
The story was never boring and it was totally unpredictable. The plot was good, the tension palpable. The philosophy behind the main conclusion was sound. No RAAC here, and no BTB, just a great coming of age life story. Five stars! ***** p.s. Maybe this is what pro writing is all about.
Blind rage for no reason?
There were plenty of reasons that were revealed as the story progressed, the least of which were the enmity between the protagonist and Billy over Margot.
A badly scarred and maimed vet who suffers extreme PTSD who is assaulted and threatened with potential deadly weapon. Instinct, training, and rage take over after that. I spend a lot of time with vets who suffer PTSD and they have paid an enormous price.
No reason? good grief
more
excellent, more on this/these characters?
Curious...
Two broken people, broken lives,not much more to tell and yet...
Don't we want to find out more? Her failures, her inadequacies, her flawed personality, his post-war stressors, his lack of real closure, his confused sense of reality; don't they all lead us to want to find out more. Does he put a bullet in her head, in his own. Does she eventually overdose on some synthetic chemical or does she simply step into traffic? Both are bent on self-destructive paths. I foresee no redemption for either, depressing.
I gave it a five.
By the way the personalized nonsexual oral activity was totally unnecessary except as added proof she'd fallen as far as she had.
Do you remember the concluding line from Queen Elizabeth in the old movie "Shakespeare in Love"? Next time write something funny, a comedy!
Jedd Clampett
Loved it
This is a complex little flash story. Five stars. Very well written. It does deserve more exploration. She was obviously dealing with demons regarding how the marriage fell apart. And yet she never reaches back out to him. I guess she realized he would never forgive her. I think it deserves more, because the authorial voice seemed to hint that their brief interaction could possibly bring healing and resolution to both of them. And then suddenly he cuts it off.
Powerful Story
Moving and sad. Wonderfully well executed.
Yes, this story is howling for a follow-on piece.
You need to do one from Margot's POV.
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